View Full Version : Defeated By A Road
A little back ground have been suffering from anxiety/Panic disorder and some agoraphobia put in for good measure. I take Pregabalin to treat it (but I am thinking of coming of it) been on it for about 10 months. Everything has been going fine for about 6 months until about 4 weeks ago and it started to fall apart again.
So here goes my little rant/story about today:blush::blush::blush:
Please bear with me, Yesterday was a day spent feeling dizzy sitting down fine but as soon as i stood up dizziness would happen spent most of the day in fear off fainting.
Right here goes today. Had a good night’s sleep finely woke up around 8am went down stairs with my 3 year old daughter did all the normal stuff all fine, wife finished work and was home by around 1pm so I had a thought that I would go out because I was feeling good I may be able to spend some time out with a friend in the pub as long as it was quiet.
So I told my wife I was going upstairs to freshen up and my daughter asked me where I was going (a normal trick of hers) so I said to the moon to catch a alien anyway I got ready to pop out all cleaned up and ready to go and my daughter started asking me if I was off to the moon and that made me think in the back of my head about heaven (I know that is stupid) but here comes the sting in the tail curious George yes that cheeky monkey, Was about to start and my daughter kept saying ambulance as it was a episode where he goes in one that made me think about the 2 times I have been rushed into a&e.
So I was a little on edge I would say but I still went out my daughter looked sad that I was going out and that breaks me up.
But I still felt like I could do this so of I went 6 minutes from home my chest started to hurt a little (ok kept going) 5 minutes later I got to a main road about to cross and a car came so I took four paces back then DAMM I was stuck right to that spot felt dizzy and sick to the pit of my stomach unable to carry on.
So turn back to go home still feeling dizzy, pulse now 130bpm came to a small road ohhh my god that took some getting across part way over felt like I was about to pass out but had to do it. Phoned the wife and spoke to her and that made me feel a little better but I still had another little road to cross went to the edge of the pavement but no could not cross so it was a case of zig zag from pavement to road until I had to cross to get home.
Made it across the damn stupid bloody road and home was near.
I feel stupid and unfit to call myself a man
Sorry for the long silly story.
You are certainly not unfit to call yourself a man! Don't forget that anxiety and panic attacks are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of being strong for too long! I am really sorry you have had a bad day today and most of us here only have the slightest thing to trigger an attack. I have had a really bad moment this morning that triggered it off again and it seems silly to me now but that is how anxiety works so don't pull yourself down because of it. sending you :hugs:
Thank you.
Annie0904 for your kind words and I am sorry you have had a bad time today:hugs:
Wish someone could figure it out way anxiety seems to rise its ugly head when you feel good.
Its a hard fight that we will all win at some time.
Take care Chris
beautifulfreak77
26-09-12, 16:19
Hi..sorry to hear your having a bad day..
i have panic disorder and agoraphobia so i totally understand how you felt,i just went to the school to collect my daughter and felt anxious and when i get to the road i get more anxious,cars and lorries go so fast and its so noisy...its horrible...
i hope you have a better evening...take it easy...
Hello beautifulfreak77, I really feel for you having problems picking your daughter up from school that is a major worry for me at the moment as she has just started 5 days a week and my wife works a few mornings in the week so have had to explain my problems to her teacher that she may not even make it to school on the days I need to take her!! How bloody sad is that my problems having a effect on my daughters schooling.
Hopefully for us all things will get better with time!
Thanks for you words Chris
beautifulfreak77
26-09-12, 20:25
hey,its not sad,i have had days where i havent been able to take her and i beat myself up about it,and sometimes its worse picking her up from school as i have got to go,i have to force myself to go get her sometimes iv even cried as walking along but i cant just leave her at school,and afterwards i feel so stupid i hate myself..but we shouldnt beat ourselves up really..its not our fault we are ill..
i now listen to music on my headphones to drown out the traffic and take my dog so i dont feel so alone...maybe im sad too ha,but it makes me feel a bit better...
please dont beat yourself up...you do your best...:)
Kerry...
I think your being hard on yourself, you still attempted to go out even though you were feeling anxious before you left home and you made it home so the roads didn't defeat you :) sometimes things don't go quite to plan
Your no less a man than I am. Ex army and went through two spells of horrible anxiety which have been so bad they had me housebound and almost in tears.
You write that day off and start again the next day.
Never give up mate you will get through.
Please don't put yourself down. I too have agoraphobia and used to look around and ask myself why I was so weak for not being able to go out, whilst others just did it without thinking. Then I heard the following phrase "Courage isn't doing something without fear, it's being fearful and doing it anyway". We are the strong ones for being scared about going out but doing it anyway. So you should be proud of yourself, not ashamed. As Greyskies said, you felt anxious but went out anyway, so YOU defeated the fear, nothing defeated you.
Edward_1980
28-09-12, 13:55
A little back ground have been suffering from anxiety/Panic disorder and some agoraphobia put in for good measure. I take Pregabalin to treat it (but I am thinking of coming of it) been on it for about 10 months. Everything has been going fine for about 6 months until about 4 weeks ago and it started to fall apart again.
So here goes my little rant/story about today:blush::blush::blush:
Please bear with me, Yesterday was a day spent feeling dizzy sitting down fine but as soon as i stood up dizziness would happen spent most of the day in fear off fainting.
Right here goes today. Had a good night’s sleep finely woke up around 8am went down stairs with my 3 year old daughter did all the normal stuff all fine, wife finished work and was home by around 1pm so I had a thought that I would go out because I was feeling good I may be able to spend some time out with a friend in the pub as long as it was quiet.
So I told my wife I was going upstairs to freshen up and my daughter asked me where I was going (a normal trick of hers) so I said to the moon to catch a alien anyway I got ready to pop out all cleaned up and ready to go and my daughter started asking me if I was off to the moon and that made me think in the back of my head about heaven (I know that is stupid) but here comes the sting in the tail curious George yes that cheeky monkey, Was about to start and my daughter kept saying ambulance as it was a episode where he goes in one that made me think about the 2 times I have been rushed into a&e.
So I was a little on edge I would say but I still went out my daughter looked sad that I was going out and that breaks me up.
But I still felt like I could do this so of I went 6 minutes from home my chest started to hurt a little (ok kept going) 5 minutes later I got to a main road about to cross and a car came so I took four paces back then DAMM I was stuck right to that spot felt dizzy and sick to the pit of my stomach unable to carry on.
So turn back to go home still feeling dizzy, pulse now 130bpm came to a small road ohhh my god that took some getting across part way over felt like I was about to pass out but had to do it. Phoned the wife and spoke to her and that made me feel a little better but I still had another little road to cross went to the edge of the pavement but no could not cross so it was a case of zig zag from pavement to road until I had to cross to get home.
Made it across the damn stupid bloody road and home was near.
I feel stupid and unfit to call myself a man
Sorry for the long silly story.
Hello. I am new to the forum and I can relate to how you feel. I am also on Pregabalin (75mg twice daily) and want to come off of it too because I find when I take it I become a little elated and manic. I hope we can be friends because we are suffering from the same disorder. I would very much like to keep contact with you. I hope you are feeling better soon.:flowers:
Thank you all for your kind words and also your understanding.
As with everyone I think things like this really knock yourself believe and we are all worthy to be happy and live a peacefully life but sometimes things happen along the way to disturb this.
I know I have only been living with anxiety/panic disorder and agoraphobia for near on 2 years but have been told it could really of been for several years as I used to be a heavy drinker and they say that was masking it all, But it feels like it has been with me for most of my life as this as time seems to feel like it has slowed down.
And I am scared this is now going to be the norm for me (maybe well all think this way) but I am going to try my hardest to find a way out of this for myself and hopefully others.
And Yes Edward 1980 I would be happy to keep in contact with you and others.
Donny mate I hear what you say and yes yesterday has gone and a new hopefully brighter day is just around the corner.
Just one footnote my agoraphobia/panics have continued over the last few days. But I walked up to my daughters school with my wife and what I would call my best friend I have known for many a year and used to drink with him every day for years he’s a exrugby and cricket play a real man about town.
I have never told him about my problems but he noticed a book I had in my hand called DON’T PANIC, A guide to overcoming panic attacks by Sue Breton.
Anyway I decided to open up and tell him and his reaction was just what I expected.
A real man does not go through this, what’s up with you and things like that he still thinks of me as being the lad around town with him going drink for drink pub to pub from morn to morn. Mistake on my behalf.
But the words you read on this forum from fellow suffers makes you still look at life as if you are still normal but something has found your weakness “like kryptonite to superman”!!!
Thanks all and Edward message me anytime online for hours every day looking for answers or the miracle cure if there is one.
I am sorry your friend was not more sympathetic with you...but remember it IS NOT a weakness, anxiety is an illness and it can and usually does hit the strongest. My dad is the most inspirational man I know and many look up to him as a role model but he suffered from anxiety for many years also, it certainly did not make him any less of a man and nor does it you or Edward or any other men on this site :hugs:
Hi xtremx, Take no notice of your best mate. You ARE a real man!! Anxiety/panic can hit anyone at any time. You are most definitely not weak or anything like that. None of us are. I am not suffering anxiety/panic or agoraphobia right now but I have had my fair share over the years and as a result, have even volunteered on an anxiety helpline for a couple of years. I last had anxiety for 3.5 years. It was my longest ever episode. So I know how it feels. Anxiety and panic too. I sympathise, really I do. Do you ever do breathing and relaxation exercises? They will help you. And exercise does too. It burns up the adrenalin that's giving you the symptoms. Also, have you read Claire Weekes, "Essential Help for your nerves" or "Self Help for your Nerves"? She is great when it comes to helping with anxiety/panic. Also go to www.anxietynomore.co.uk Thats a great site written by Paul David. He was a sufferer for years. He has also written a book. I still have my copy. Its called "At last a life". it certainly helped me.
hello xtreme i know the whole road thing,,the times ive had this happen,,ive been going along ok,,well as good as it get for someone with the dreaded aggie lol ,,go to do something so simple as cross a road only to find myself in a blind panic,,i cant see ,,feel dizzy,,i freeze but at the same time feel this pull like im going to run out infront of a car its very odd,,i also do the zigzaging havnt a clue why but its happened for years now,,i even struggle with small roads even with my hubby,,
as for feeling less of a man ,,,i grew up in a little street where all the familys knew each other very well kind of an extended family really,,we had a lovely family wonderful people the hubby was called tom huge six foot chap worked outdoors all his life ,down the pub each night for his jar before going home,,now i grew up knowing this chap,,when i hit my thirties he must have been in his late fifties say,,and around then i started getting my agoraphobia and only went out to visit mum or when i had too,,id ask about mums neighbours and she said tom had been ill of late and having tests,,,well two years later i bumped into a very pale shaken looking tom clutching his wifes arm for dear life ,,i asked if he was ok and he looked me in the eyes and said your mum says you have,,im thinking have what ,,his wife told me tom too had agoraphobia,,imagine my shock this huge strong man from my childhood was standing fear in his eyes ,,from then on i realised it can get anyone doesnt matter who you are ,,how strong or how weak and its not a respector of gender either ,,i know men like to be the protectors but you can still be strong and suffer with nerves ,,my dad did all his life and i still saw my tall dad as my hero nerves or no he battled it well ,,and thats what counts if your mate spent a day walking in your shoes he,d be a quivering wreck,,never mind months battleing week in week out,,your little one will always love you no matter what its what little girls do,,
[QUOTE=teez;1046479]i freeze but at the same time feel this pull like im going to run out infront of a car its very odd[QUOTE]
Yes my god i get that feeling it is a crazy feeling I can almost see in my mind what would happen if that did happen aswell.
And everything else you have said rings true.
Also to everyone else I understand what one persons opinion (and I know others) does not really mean you are any less a person than anyone but the problem is it reminds you very much of who you used to be.
And I think that hurt me more than anything he said.
Chris
:mad: Damn you roads :mad:
Defeated again, Had to have a ecg today so that intailed a 30 minute walk into town everything was going okish just having some problem with my left leg "well foot really"I want to walk straight but my foot was intent on veering off course.
But anyway got over 1 main road, Had my wife and my daughter was holding my hand.
Came to a 2nd road and that was it went to cross and I could not move had to take a step back and lean against a wall as it felt like my windpipe has closed up on me my throat dried and i could not breathe or swallow.
Made it worse as the road I was about to cross had a crossing man as it was close to schools kicking out so he came to the centre of the road to let us cross but I a 40 year old bloke lost his BLOODY BOTTLE,, STUPID STUPID ME.
Anyway got across the road went doctor had my ecg and that was ok.
Still BOTTLED IT AT THE BLOODY ROAD.....
Don't be so hard on yourself, you may have got really anxious about it but you did it...you got to the doctors :yesyes: Think about the positives about what you achieved today and don't dwell on the negatives. I think you did really well.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you may have got really anxious about it but you did it...you got to the doctors :yesyes: Think about the positives about what you achieved today and don't dwell on the negatives. I think you did really well.
Thank you Annie, Always with the words of wisdom. You are correct think on the positives.
It just really gets to me ,Like most of us wish I could turn the clock back to a time when none of this was happening.
But that was in the past have today to think about and tomorrow well just have to wait and see what comes.
Thanks
That's right, the anxiety can be so crippling sometimes but if you achieve something then give yourself a pat on the back because that is a positive on the road to recovery..a road you can and will go on :D A big well done for what you achieved today. We will get there..there's always light at the end of a tunnel :)
Hi there
As with the above - well done!
Did you notice what you did there? You began with the negative and detailed it at great length. The positive result of it all (i.e. "I made it across") was almost an afterthought.
You made it across. That should have been the highlight of the post. It is the highlight of your experience.
So many of my clients behave in the same way. They detail all the problems they had and the achievement is forgotten.
You crossed the road despite your terror.
Next time, rather than completing such a task and thinking "wasn't that dreadful!?" please take a moment to thank and praise yourself for your achievement. It doesn't even matter too much whether you believe that voice or not. Just do it.
You weren't defeated by the road. You conquered it.
Do you think Hilary wasn't nervous before tackling Everest? You tackled yours and won.
I'd like to hear how you made it across. What was it that helped you do it? How could you use that to do it again? How could you use that to tackle other things which make you anxious?
Praise yourself for every small achievement, no matter how small. Begin to recognise the positive rather than always focusing on your supposed weaknesses and failures.
Well done, again.
Paul
WOW Thanks Paul,
I understand what you have said and at the end of the day that will sink in. I have just had a message from my mentor (will I call him that but he is a new friend I have made on Facebook and he is a fellow panic attack suffer but he seem to have made it his gaol to win the battle and help other along the way).
Anyway I got a message from him and he suggest I keep a record of when and how I feel when this happens so I can look back and see how I was able to overcome this and feel that I was at the end of the day able to gain control over my feeling and emotions. To better understand the nature of the beast.
Thanks again for you message.
Chris
Good advice!
Remember, however, that you may be tempted to name "wife, kid or God etc" as reasons why you made it across. "It wasn't me, they caused me to do it. They gave me the strength."
In truth, none of them will have made you put one foot in front of the other. So, discount any external reasons as to why you made it across a road or achieved any other goal. The reason will always be within yourself.
Paul
Hi xtremx, I keep a diary and record everything I do and how I felt at the time.Then when I have a bad spell,I can look back and see how bad I was before and yet I STILL survived it.I suppose its a form of CBT....good luck and know that you're not alone.
Fishy
Thanks Fishy,
That sounds like it does really work to help put it all into perspective and gives you something to look back onto to prove that you have been and done this in the past and come through it.
Cheers Chris
Hi, gosh reading Your thread, just chills my spine! I think the classic textbook panic attacks and those who have suffered them are truely shocking! I used to get out think NO I can do this! I'd venture out and it would just creep more and more over me the further away ii got from home or my car. I'd still be saying no, carry on but it's like having a fight with yourself and when your will power weakens and weakens due to continous bad experience you loose your confidence & with that your control and Bam - the panic takes over with full effect and wins. Then the usual , full panic , need to get back home, breathless high pulse and your scrambling in a jerky motion not sure where to put your feet , but all you can think is I need to get back!! Almost disorientated and complete loss of grip on reality or rational!!!!
Its got nothing to do with wheather your male or female, when your brains ill, it's ill and I believe like an upset stomach, the brain needs recovery time first and then you can consciously begin to set goal! I was reading the post by beautifulfreak77 GOSH school run an absolute shocker for me last year! I actually broke down one day had a full panic attack at my daughters school! School run was a major issue despite driving her to school an 4 minute car ride for many years , was the Bain of my life, when I was struck down with panic for the very first time! It was shocking it would get to 2:30 an hour before school pick up and my heart would race for over an hour in anticipation that I might have a panic attack! This of course lead to full blown agrophobia! It was a real bad time , I wouldn't wish these symptoms on my worst enemy!
Honestly take good care of yourself don't rush , set yourself small goals and get a hobby.
Destraction and rest and sleep :winks:
Hello Col.
It sounds like you really had it bad (I hope you are alot better now).
What you wrote is every emotion you feel but it is rolled up in to one nasty little ball and just throw at you like a curveball and bamm.
I said to a friend whom i meet on her lately when I got tho the road it was like watching a prize racehorse when you see them get to a fence and they pull up rearing and distressed and the strange thing is they may have jumped several fences before that and in turn made the very same jump before but doubt slips into the mind and DAMMMMM thats it no way.
But the only way forward may not be the easy path but it has to be taken and by the sounds of it you have done it and many many others on this site and other may just be at the begining of their own journey through this.
And with the way you and others replied to my post that makes me feel that the people who are here and whom will come to this site for help are in very safe hands.
Thanks Col and others for the right words and wisdom shared:yesyes:
Xtremx, I love that analogy of the horse, that's soo true! Yes I've seen that happen, it's very strange.
I just like to try and help people, share my personal experience & I think many others do because panic attacks and anxiety disorder are shocking! Before last new year, I had never had this, always confident, up for a laugh and would go away , anywhere. Now so cautious and I over think anything I do before I do it! I am a lot better now BUT I live in fear ( when I'm having a bad day especially) of ever having this To the extent i did, again, frightens me to death?!! It effects every single thing in your life and every one! My career is ruined & it took along time for family to understand! I went from larger than life to being invisible! I was absolutley so unaware myself, at how many people suffered like they do. I was also totally unaware of the whole panic disorder!! I can not believe there's not really any sort of anxiety awareness day or generally more out there, advertised! It really does ruin people! I've got 2 kids and not being able to go to the park with them and stuff, made me soo guilty on top of dealing with giving up my teaching career and loosing my income when we'd finally moved out of my in laws house (5+yrs) and had a huge mortgage!!! Shocking shocking ! There really should be public awareness about this! I hope your feeling better & as you know your really not on your own ! Takecare :grouphug:
Wow I love that horse analogy too...quite brilliant actually!!
1st thank you Col and fishman65. I'm not very good at explaining how things make me feel so sometimes I think it makes it hard for people to understand how it all effects me, I don't explain fear or pain well at all as I was never brought up to. I was always having to keep things locked in as to be strong for everyone else.
So using the racehorse was my way of just using a case of something I could relate to so yes "analogy". But Please don't think of me as being a prize racehorse more like a donkey ot blackpool beach:D
Col, I'm going to quote you reply and just high light how this is effecting my life and even more my family. My story beings Before 2/3 years ago, and the only family I have is my wife and 2 kids
QUOTE=Col;1074737]Xtremx, I love that analogy of the horse, that's soo true! Yes I've seen that happen, it's very strange.
I just like to try and help people, share my personal experience & I think many others do because panic attacks and anxiety disorder are shocking! Before last new year, I had never had this, always confident, up for a laugh and would go away , anywhere. Now so cautious and I over think anything I do before I do it! I am a lot better now BUT I live in fear ( when I'm having a bad day especially) of ever having this To the extent i did, again, frightens me to death?!! It effects every single thing in your life and every one! My career is ruined & it took along time for family to understand! I went from larger than life to being invisible! I was absolutley so unaware myself, at how many people suffered like they do. I was also totally unaware of the whole panic disorder!! I can not believe there's not really any sort of anxiety awareness day or generally more out there, advertised! It really does ruin people! I've got 2 kids and not being able to go to the park with them and stuff, made me soo guilty on top of dealing with giving up my teaching career and loosing my income when we'd finally moved out of my in laws house (5+yrs) and had a huge mortgage!!! Shocking shocking ! There really should be public awareness about this! I hope your feeling better & as you know your really not on your own ! Takecare :grouphug:[/QUOTE]
We are so alike it is uncanny, And like you this condition needs more public awareness.
I put a Poll up on panelbase to with the question If you knew someone who suffered from Panic Attacks would you support them with offers of help to overcome the disorder? So far only 233 responses 71.30 YES, 6.73 NO, 21.97 Don't Know/Not Sure
I find that to be a good section but it just goes to show that their is not enough public awareness of Mental Disorders (I use Mental Disorders to hopefully incase all)
Thans again Col for your post and I hope you are doing well
We are really similar & I bet there's hundreds more of us on NMP and the world over that has had to go down this rabbit hole! Honestly before I was a sufferer, I really didn't understand panic disorder! My auntie has it & as I was growing up Id just think she was a naturally nervous person & narrow minded I know but, I used to associate these sort of problems with nervous shy types - shocking! I've learnt my lesson the hard way. I would not dream of wishing this on my worse enemy, it can ruin you. I think the poll you've put up is a great idea, interesting to find out why some said no??? But awareness, not only for normal folk BUT even health professionals and employers , everyone who could be linked in anyway to someone with panic/anxiety disorder ~ should really be aware just how, dibillitating this can become for some people! The worries of work & what family think of you ironically make you feel more worse OR in my opinion prolong the getting better process & they end up making you feel worse and more and more hopeless!
Yes we really need to get some big public attention, people underestimate how bad these sorts of thing are & because someone may, to look at , seem fine it's exactly that what makes any mental health problem worse! Some People think well your not dying, your still able bodied , pull yourself together! Yes I've heard those ones personally and from other sufferers, shocking! Your brain goes, it goes & there's nothing you can do, other than pray you'll feel normal again ASAP!!!! Takecare & keep in touch :emot-highfive:
Some People think well your not dying, your still ale bodied , pull yourself together! Yes I've heard those ones personally and from other sufferers, shocking! Your brain goes, it goes & there's nothing you can do, other than pray you'll feel normal again ASAP!!!! Takecare & keep in touch :emot-highfive:
I have heard this from people also and if only they knew!!! I was defeated by a checkout yesterday!! But at least I managed to stay in the shop as long as I did...maybe next time I will make it through the checkout :D
I have heard this from people also and if only they knew!!! I was defeated by a checkout yesterday!! But at least I managed to stay in the shop as long as I did...maybe next time I will make it through the checkout :D
Ahh Annie how are you feeling today? I remember your post from yesterday, hope your feeling a whole lot better today.
I know,people can be soo cruel even the ones who are meant to be there for you. X
I was anxious as usual when I first woke up but not too bad today. I managed a little walk out this morning. I really need to stop thinking about getting back to work as worrying about not being there is making me feel worse. I don't think I am physically strong enough yet and until I get my physical strength back I am not going to get my emotional health back x
Yes, I can relate to this. I was doing the PGCE right in the middle of it & last February had to leave & I hate leaving anything half finished! But I was both physically & mentally, drained and I remember saying exactly what you have, until I feel physically stronger , how will I carry on coping emotionally! I had a shocking time, I thought it would take me a few weeks to feel better, I didn't realize how bad anxiety disorder actually was, seen as though it's the first time I had it. I thought it was like a virus and would take a couple of weeks and go. Hmm 18 months later, I'm just a stay at home mum , with a burning ambition to return to work we've been destitute as a consequence, also! It's soo hard, just try & focus on you at the moment, for as long as you can. It just makes the whole problem of anxiety worse, when work and career issues need resolving. :hugs:
Col,you make some excellent points here.I first had a panic attack at the age of 20 whilst sitting in the back of our work van on the building site.I had never heard of panic attacks (this was 1985) and all of a sudden I was extremely afraid...but of what? I saw my GP at the time who told me to stop looking inwards so much and to enjoy life.Obviously that wasn't much help and I went 7 years before I saw a doctor again,this time a younger one and he put me on prozac and diazepam.
It is indeed an illness that is hard to understand for health professionals let alone non-sufferers,that's why websites like NMP are so important.
Take care now, Fishy
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