Abusive relationship after effects

[memeaustin]

Ok, so I left a 7yr abusive relationship last year, and since then my anxiety has slowly got worse and worse, till last week I was prescribed 15mg Mirtazipine.
However, everytime my ex is mentioned, or it comes to my daughter going over there every other week, I just get so overcome with nerves.
I'm now getting in a state over the Friday handover, my chest is hurting and I'm thinking irrationally.
I just want him out of our lives because I can't stop panicking about what might happen.
He has a restraining order, but I still think that he will get to me. He has sent smahed up DVDs back in my daughters changing bag.
I contacted the police - and they are going to contact him to remind him, of his restraining order- and that is scaring me to death - because I know it will annoy him and he'll try and get me back for it.
I just can't carry on like this.

[Anxious_gal]

Could you try for full custody?
If it was me I'd be nervous too : (

[london]

dont ever let any one bully you
cant you get some one to be with you when he comes to see his daughter
if not just anser him at the door dont let him in
good luck
god bless

[memeaustin]

Thank you for your posts. I wish I could have full custody, but I can't afford to go back to court and I'm not eligable for legal aid. Wonderful isn't it?!
My ex is not allowed to come near me because of the restraining order, and my partner's mum does the handovers for me.
So you would think that I have nothing to worry about. But even now, there is a fear that he will do something. Because I'm not under his control, he will punish me - and then I list all of the things he could do to punish me and I get myself in a state.
He is manipulative bully, and will always find a way to let me know he is there.

The Mirtazapine came good last night, and I managed to rest well before bed. It numbs it to a degree, but it's still there.

I have another appointment next week with the doctor. He will offer counselling, CBT etc... I would really like some advice to what might be best for me?

Plus is Mirtazapine the best med for anxiety?

[Laura123]

It will take time for you to get over the damage this relationship has done to you, stick with your meds and if I were you I would speak to your doctor about counselling, I think you would benefit greatly from it. Xx

[ammiemum]

the very best thing is 'the freedom programme' it is specifically for people who have been mentally and/or physically abused. after a 24 year 'marriage' it was ##### bad 'freedom' saved me and helped me to try and realise it wasn't my fault etc et and all of the things you have been told by your abuser.. if you have any sort of councelling they may have contacts with them or see this site www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/)
i would not have survived without them...:hugs:

[memeaustin]

Thank you. I will have a look at the link - my domestic abuse advocate is trying to get me on the 'pattern changing' course.

Today is supposed to be handover day for my daugher, and I have picked my lips to nothing. (Something I do when I'm really on edge).

He is supposed to be having a third party pick her up from her afterschool provision (dancing).

But since he sent abusive messages to my mum, he has gone silent, and I'm not sure what is happening today.

The unknow is scaring me to death - I'm thinking the worse - that he'll start a fight, go back to court etc...

[london]

why not move away and get rid of the mug
god bless

[memeaustin]

I wish I could. I wish he'd drop dead - problem solved.

Its a case of wanting to deal with it so I'm not a victim of his cr*p anymore.

Getting control over my anx would really aid me in getting on and over it.

I physically got away from the bullying ahole, and now I need to get away from him on an emotional level - and realise that he has no control over me anymore!!!

[london]

remember no one owns you he cant just do as he wants
god bless

[Edward_1980]

I'm delighted that you have a restraining order out on him. Do not allow this beast to run your life. Stick with the meds and keep in constant touch with your Doctor. Iwish you all the best.

[memeaustin]

Thanks for your post - He didn't even show up to pick my daughter up on Friday. Says a lot really.

[memeaustin]

You're right, he doesn't own me or my feelings

I can't switch the anxiety off though - Mirtazipine is not working - have a docs appoinment on Friday - I need to tell him that I'm not happy to carry on with the Mirtazipine, so worrying about what he will say!!

Would like to try something different - thinking - SSRI would be better suited to me.

[Carina]

You are worth so much more than the value this nasty little bully places on you. Someone like that should never get to cast a dark cloud over your life, that man isn't even half the person you are and doesn't deserve to have anything to do with you. You're too good for that. I'm so glad to hear you've already taken action, it was really brave of you to get out of there - what you went through is so frightening and I hope this all works out for you and you have a good support system where you are.

[memeaustin]

Hi Carina,

Thank you for your post. It really brought a smile to my face.

Unfortunately I don't have much of a support network. My family live 300 miles away, and it may sound pathetic, but I have no friends.

A lot of it comes down to my ex not letting me go out etc... but I myself find it hard opening up to people. I have colleagues at work who I get on with very well, but there is no wat I would unload my problems on to any of them.

I have a new partner, and I confide in him a lot, and he's very good about it all. I speak to my family over the phone, but its all very polite, if you know what I mean...

Been back to the docs today, and he has taken me off the Mirtazipine and prescribed me citalopram instead. Fingers crossed they will eventually help with the anx - was on 30mg 4 years ago for depression (when with ex believe it or not) and they worked wonders.

Your words mean so much to me, and I appreciate it no end :D

[stay_gold]

Easier said than done but I think you should pretend to be strong and and not scared anymore, he knows he has some hold or control over you and thats why he feels he can be like this. If you pretend act like he's doesnt eventually he may back down, realistly speaking though he will push toget that control back before he stops. I dont know if that helps but I honestly hope you overcome this experience, I really do.

[memeaustin]

Ok, so I'm back on Citalopram - definitely heightened anx but I know it will be worth it in the long run.

My ex contacted my other threatening me with court because we never got in touch to let him know he could have my daughter on Friday!!! Uh - that's why there's a court order in place...

So this Friday (and I'm already panicking about it) he is supposed to be having her. I can feel the anx building up to it.

What's he going to say to her?
What if he goes back to court?

With my reasonable head on - I know that he would make a complete muppet of himself in court - I mean he hasn't paid any child maintenance at all...

I think it's the fear of going to court.... does that make sense? - I mean I get worked up just going to the doctors lol!