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blueorchid
26-09-12, 17:01
I'm a bit unsure if what I'm experiencing is de-realization, I think/feel like there's nothing wrong with me and get worried that there's just something off about me.

My feelings have been constantly changing over the past 5/6months I just feel really confused and all over the place.

At first I went through a period of high social anxiety. I felt physically sick constantly, I didn't want to talk to anyone or leave my room. I obsessed over what to say to people and constantly wondered how other people thought to say something or what they were thinking. I believed that I didn't have any original thoughts, I was boring and unfunny (getting people to laugh was something I became super obsessed with and actually took a mental note whenever I realised I said something that got a laugh) I didn't even want to see my friends and it was just as bad (if not worse) with my parents. I drank more than usual during this time to try calm myself. Gradually these feelings felt stupid, I'd went out with my friends and had a good time I was just being silly and thought 'why am I worrying about this?' which turned to 'why does anyone worry about anything?'

Everything and everyone suddenly seemed stupid, I got irritated at people. I'd analyse everything they did looking for some basic animalistic root. I got really down (It never crossed my mind that I might be depressed, I thought this was just how I was) I've always been pretty analytical and pretty introverted, I liked being with my own thoughts and wasn't overly concerned with anything. I started obsessing about death, what the point of everything was? but I decided that there didn't need to be one, life itself could be the point. It wasn't the most comforting thought but I decided that if that was the way things were I'd just concentrate all my effort in to being happy and making the most of it. I wasn't happy though and couldn't force myself to be, everything I used to enjoy seemed trivial. I started to wonder why I woke up in the morning? who else woke up? If I did, why didn't everyone else?

One day I woke up thinking 'did I wake up?' everything felt blurry and out of focus and I freaked out. I started experiencing what I considered depersonalisation, feeling that I was dead had left my body and was just a re-animated corpse that was charged with electricity and about to drop at any second. I read up about it and panicked myself more, seeing posts saying that It was something you could never overcome. I'd go through the day as normal as possible but by the end of it I'd just burst out crying feeling physically sick. The anti-depressants I was on at first only made the feelings worse. I couldn't sleep I got 2-3hours at most each night. I thought I'd disappear or that when I slept everything would stop existing. I needed someone beside me all the time just to make sure I didn't lose my mind or stop existing all together. I went out a couple of nights and drank a lot but It only made it worse and I completely freaked out so I decided not to do it again.

I was stubborn, I started eating healthier, a routine bed time and taking my dog out for hour long walks. I tried to get my concentration back by focussing on one spot for 10minutes at a time. The new anti-depressants got rid of the tight feeling in my stomach but made me exhausted (and still do) occasionally I felt a bit happier and they made me stop crying constantly.

The problem now is everything feels strange. The concept of their being a world and such a thing as life feels too weird. I don't know how exactly to explain it, I see everything the way I used too now but I doubt it now and wonder 'is this the way I'm supposed to see things? is this how everything should look?' Other people look the strangest even my own reflection. I can tell you where I am, what I'm doing but it doesn't mean anything to me It feels artificial. I don't doubt that there might be a chair in front of my, the trouble is 'why is there such a thing as a chair?'

I only know there's something because there isn't nothing but I feel like there shouldn't be anything. I find myself thinking about the universe and feel overwhelmed that it isn't just blank. I feel that there should be an alternative to life, somewhere else to go outside this reality but there isn't and I'm just stuck here unsure about what I'm experiencing.

I feel weird about time, that there's only ever 'now' nothing else exist outside it and you can't escape it. There only is and only will be the present, the fact that you'll only ever being 'living' just constantly existing until one day you don't. I feel trapped in a void before I felt like I was about to suddenly shut down and now that's what I want to do.

I sometimes think, 'I want to be dead, I just want to be dead' but I like being alive but It's like the interest you would have in a fantasy world. I don't fully invest myself, I don't want to because I know it's real but I don't really believe that or think it.

I know that being unable to comprehend something doesn't disprove it but I can't overcome this feeling. I feel like there's isn't anything to overcome because there isn't anything to return too. It's like I want the answer to the universe, someone to sit down and explain existence and the fact that I'll never get that answer just makes it worse. I don't know what I feel or understand or what exactly I'm scared of. I'm scared that I'm crazy or that I'll give up on myself. I'm worried about the most is that I'm only pretending that I think everything is real, I'm just pretending to be normal so no one suspects me. I don't know how I got here, I don't feel anything like myself I just want to stop.

sorry about making such a large post :-(

Annie0904
26-09-12, 17:15
The symptoms you have mentioned are all symptoms associated with anxiety. Do you take any medication and have you had any counselling?

blueorchid
26-09-12, 17:43
Hey, a small dosage of citalopram and no but I have an appointment.

Annie0904
26-09-12, 17:44
Counselling is very helpful and you could ask for cognitive behaviour therapy :hugs:

blueorchid
26-09-12, 17:54
Yeah I think It will help a lot, I need someone to talk these things out with. I don't want to bother anyone around me or put more stress on the people I love. I think it might calm me down a bit as well.

Thank you :hugs:

PanchoGoz
26-09-12, 20:07
Hi blueorchid, you have some existential anxiety. Everyone gets it from time to time. It is really scary as you feel like you are the only one with it but be assured you are not. Well done for describing it all.
Anxiety can make you worry about anything on earth, and existance is just another of those things, along side cancer worries etc. Remember it isn't anymore than just another worry.
Look into "mindfulness": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc&list=FLy25X9k9BgWf0I7CbxTJFjw&index=7&feature=plpp_video it helped me a lot.

blueorchid
27-09-12, 21:31
Thank you, It was very interesting (and his voice was very relaxing)

It's been pretty bad the past couple of days and I often get worked up and truly believe nothing is real, the rest of the time I spend doubting how much I believe it or If I'm just telling myself I do. I've been trying to tell myself 'this is just anxiety' but it's hard to believe that as well and I feel like there's just something 'off' with me. I'm hoping it might just be because the anti-depressants I've been taking are beginning to take affect (that they might be heightening the symptoms at first)

Thank you again :)

lleksam
27-09-12, 22:12
I see everything the way I used too now but I doubt it now and wonder 'is this the way I'm supposed to see things? is this how everything should look?'

I have never met anyone or read anywhere of someone who experiences these thoughts like I do, I am some what relieved to find someone else who has these anxious thoughts. I look at objects and scenes and get anxious, am I experiencing this correctly, does this look right or real? Does it look like a movie? I too freaked myself out by reading that people with depersonalization often feel like they're in movie.

I now often question does this look like a movie and I fail to trust my senses.

I would be quite interested to keep in contact with you and share thoughts.¨

blueorchid
28-09-12, 12:35
Hey lleksam, that sounds good up until now I felt that no one else could possibley feel this way or understand what I'm experiencing.

I look at objects and scenes and get anxious, am I experiencing this correctly, does this look right or real? Does it look like a movie? I too freaked myself out by reading that people with depersonalization often feel like they're in movie.

I've been doing that a lot lately especially when I'm around a lot of people I think 'is this what life is like?' a kind of 'am I doing this right?' I find myself purposfully looking about to see how 'real' people look.

I wanted to know more about DP/DR but a part of me wishes I hadn't read anything, it made me question what I actually felt or just thought I did because I'd read it somewhere else (very frustrating and confusing)

Thank you for the relpy, it would be nice to talk about this more :)

Lucas
30-09-12, 18:54
This is one of the main symptoms I have that worry me. Been the past month or so and I don't remember a day where the world hasn't seemed strange to me. It's like a combination of feeling dizzy/being in a dream/being a little tipsy/feeling fuzzy. It's horrible. I feel you and you will get through it.

blueorchid
02-10-12, 21:13
Thank you, I've been trying to approach or at least think of it as nothing more than anxiety but its hard when it feels like the very fact anything exists is what makes me anxious.

Lately it feels like looking at an abstract piece of art; I can tilt my head and squint my eyes and almost make out what is going on but there's too much other mess confusing and distracting me that I just want to walk away from it.

I've been this way for almost a month now, I know that I don't have to feel this way and I don't want to so I'm determined to overcome it. I wish you the best of luck as well, out of all the symptoms I've had from anxiety/depression this is the one that has made me feel the most hopeless but I'm just going to persevere! :)

Rich
09-10-12, 08:43
Hi there

I have had derealisation on and off for 15 years. The main problem it causes with me is thoughts of existance. What am I doing here? Oh no we are on a tiny planet in the middle of a vast universe! One day I will not be here and one day the planet will not be either! These thoughts just pop in my head from no where I no they are true and I no there is nothing I can do about them but when Im not good they scare me so much.

Rich

blueorchid
11-10-12, 19:03
That has been my main panic lately! I know there's life there can't not be but I've been wondering why? It's like my thoughts float up to the vastness of the universe and because I can't imagine anything more I get scared. I wonder why no one else is questioning their existence? Why does this feel perfectly normal to them? Why do they just accept that they've been born and that they'll die? I'm also scared because I've realised there's nothing but reality, I know this sounds silly but It's like I've realised I'm always alive and that I always will be until one day I'm not, that all there is is reality and everything around me is real and I can't escape that. I want somewhere else to go, It's like that longing to go back somewhere I've never been but I know will never exist.

Aaah I really don't know what I'm doing and why I can't just accept life and be happy with it :(

mandshere2000
11-10-12, 19:57
Hiya
Know exactly where you are all coming from its so scary and I've had it on off since 2004 my GP know nothing about this condition so in the process of trying to get to the Maudsley hospital in London they have a few doctors there that specialise in DP/DR
Do any of you take any medications that help
I take 40 mgs Prozac a day been on this on/off for 20 years have tried other antidepressants but ended up back on Prozac
Manda

PanchoGoz
11-10-12, 21:41
That has been my main panic lately! I know there's life there can't not be but I've been wondering why? It's like my thoughts float up to the vastness of the universe and because I can't imagine anything more I get scared. I wonder why no one else is questioning their existence? Why does this feel perfectly normal to them? Why do they just accept that they've been born and that they'll die? I'm also scared because I've realised there's nothing but reality, I know this sounds silly but It's like I've realised I'm always alive and that I always will be until one day I'm not, that all there is is reality and everything around me is real and I can't escape that. I want somewhere else to go, It's like that longing to go back somewhere I've never been but I know will never exist.

Aaah I really don't know what I'm doing and why I can't just accept life and be happy with it :(


Remember it's only existential anxety and is very common. Try to remember that even though you are having these thoughts now, the world around you has not changed and although it feels like everything is crumbling apart, actually, everything is very stable and you just need to be aware of your own life, here and now - try to switch that fear to curiosity and wonder. Please have a look at my thread from ages back and you will see the similarities. Once I've found the link...

---------- Post added at 21:41 ---------- Previous post was at 21:37 ----------

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=92340

Also, when you have these thoughts, ask yourself what you are afraid of: first you will say everything, universe etc, then ask why. In the end it comes down to the fact that you think you can't handle these problems. It's not that you are afraid of all these big questions, is that you are afraid of yourself not being able to proccess this like other "normal" people. You can move forward from this point.

Rich
18-10-12, 21:11
How are thing s going with you now?

PanchoGoz
18-10-12, 21:27
Yes I was wandering that, they haven't logged on in 6 days..

Sparkle1984
19-10-12, 21:42
I have experienced derealisation several times in my life, and it's a horrible feeling, especially when you start worrying about existential things. The first time I had it, I was only 9 years old. Thankfully it wore off after about a month, but then when I was 12 it happened again towards the end of my first year at high school (during the summer term).

When I was 19 years old I went through a phase of solipsism (worrying that I might be the only person in the world, and that everyone and everything is a figment of my imagination). This was the most extreme derealisation that I'd ever experienced.

I was just sitting there one day when I was 19, waiting to go to the bathroom, when suddenly this awful thought came into my mind, "What if the whole world and everything/everyone in it is all a dream? All a figment of my imagination."

That really scared me. The thing is, I'm still not exactly sure what triggered that thought to come into my mind. It happened when I was on holiday with my friend, and my friend's grandmother wanted to go to the toilet. I let her go first, even though I needed to go too. As I was sitting in the bedroom, waiting for her to come out of the toilet, that's when the scary thought came into my mind. I started to think that maybe I should have gone to the toilet first, because my friend's grandmother might not actually exist anyway. (I know that last bit sounds really funny, but back then it was really scary for me).

The thing is, I had done several things in the past to help other people, but never until that day did I have a scary thought like that come into my mind.

From that day, I started to worry about it a lot. This obsession carried on for the rest of spring 2003 and the first half of summer. It took me several months before I got over it completely.

I started to search on the internet, and it was only then that I found that there was a word for my feelings - solipsism. Closely related to it is the "brain in a vat" philosophy. Also, the film The Matrix scared me, as it dealt with the topic of everything being controlled by a computer and not really existing.

Fortunately, as the months went on, the feelings of solipsism gradually wore off. Every day I would try to look for evidence to disprove solipsism. For example, if you really were the only person in the world, then it must mean that you created everything yourself, including famous writing such as Shakespeare plays, famous pieces of classical music etc. I definitely wouldn't have been capable of creating those things in my own mind. So, for me, this disproved the theory of solipsism. I do still think about it occasionally, but nowhere near as much as I used to. Now my mind has moved onto worrying about other things instead!

willster
19-10-12, 23:00
Existential anxiety, and solipsism that's interesting.
I think your right, ultimately, I think it's a common symptom of anxiety and depression for us 'thinkers'.

I went through a period of deep thought about life and reality, it was quite intense for a while, scary, interesting but in the end quite pointless.

I spent a lot of time in India and got quite deep into studying Buddhism and philosophy for a while, doing various 'Vipassana meditations' on such things.
It's quite a common theme in Buddhism which has a concept that the reality we 'perceive' is really an illusion created by our own minds, and that you have to seek the 'truth', pretty freaky.

BTW the matrix is mainly a rip off of Buddhist pop-psycobabble, but quite good and entertaining.

I started thinking about this waaay too deep and became quite obsessed with the concept of 'Time' and the number 3, which was a bit weird.

Thankfully I rarely think about this now, much better to try and enjoy life as it is, one day at a time, ignorance is bliss.

It is interesting to read how others have also gone through phases like this.

PanchoGoz
20-10-12, 01:47
My theory is that anxious people fear things we can't escape. Lifts, death...oh hang on - that includes existence! :ohmy: Poppa: Freedom is only real within limitations.
How do we deal with this? The same way we deal with any other anxiety. It's all the same. Just tell yourself SO WHAT! What good will it do me by worrying about it?" What is me?" THIS IS ME. HERE AND NOW! Have a beer and forget your woes.