View Full Version : Its been a while
Hi everyone i dont know how to explain this because i dont really talk about my feelings very well and apologise in advance that this is quite negative.
I havent been in very often in the last few months and the main reason is that i have become increasingly depressed since xmas and have lost the will to carryon doing things, i thought things would pick up but i have reached a point where i reach an ultimate low for hours even days on end that it scares me. I hardly ever feel normal these days and i dont know where to go from here, i know i should go for councelling but i cant bring myself to do it or even let my family know. When im like this i can see no way out and if it werent for my family i dont know what i would do. It feels as though everything is causing it and that everything adds to it, but i know that my anxiety doesnt help it. I feel as though i cant tell anyone how i feel so i just keep it in. I lay awake at night for ages before i am able to relax and go to sleep.
Lately i just stay ininstead of arranging to go out, and become easily frustrated as i am constantly irritanle and lack energy causing me to feel tired. The only way i have been able to release all this emotion lately is to hurt myself and i know this cannot go on. The reason i am writing this is because i need help overcoming this as i am beginning to find i cant do it on my own but i am not ready to tell my family as my dad is not well at the moment and i dont want to put any unneccessary stress on my family, but i am scared and need help.
Please reply
Sam
Hi Sam
Firstly, you have taken the first step by posting here. We are here for you to let your feelings out so please dont feel scared to ask us for help!
Do you know why you feel depressed and self harm? Has something triggered it off or has it just been a gradual decline?
You dont want to tell your parents so you dont worry them but I truly think you do need to tell someone. Yes by all means offload on us and we can give you all the advice we can but we arent there physically to help you if you see what I mean?
The trouble with depression is that the worse it gets, the least likely you are to want to get up and do something about it.
Im not saying you should go out this minute and have a party with your mates but you need to do something to give you focus.
Start small...take time for yourself. have a nice bath, put some favourite clothes on, put some makeup on and put on your favourite music and have a let off steam dance round your bedroom. It might sound daft but I suffer depression too (although not as bad as you). im 30 and I still play dress up and dance round the house like a lunatic to make me feel better.(not when anyone is watching tho!)
Exercise (see above - dancing wildly round your bedroom) releases happy hormones and makes you tired too so this will do 2 things, might lift your spirits and make you relaxed enough to sleep at night.
Find yourself a hobby that you enjoy or that makes you smile or gives you a sense of achievement.
You say you know you need counceling but cant bring yourself to do it?
Im saying this nicely but because its typed it might come out harsh but... the only one who can help you is you. You obviously want to get yourself out of this depression or you wouldnt have asked but youve got to make steps to do it matey.
Why dont you set yourself some small goals and keep a small diary on here so we can egg you on and motivate you? It might be useful to have some regular support.
If you want to you can email me anytime and I will try to help in any way I can. If you dont want to do a diary on here I dont mind if you want to just do it on a one to one with me through email. Im here everyday.
Take care
Love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
april tones
03-06-04, 22:02
hi sam, so sorry to hear your down. This is first time ive spoken to you. I really think you should try and talk to family or someone understanding as its doing know good inside. Thats what they are there for, you will be3 surprised how understanding they might be. I really feel for you and know how it feels to feel the way you do, along with anyone else on here, keep posted, love april x
apriltones
Hi Sarah, April, id just like to say that i really appreciate your replies.
At school people rely upon me a lot they know that if they ever need to talk im there for them and they can trust me, its not just the people who i hang round with but people in lower years who i sort of know. So in a way it makes me feel isolated because asking others for helps seems like im showing my weakness if that makes sense, so i avoid it as much as i can and just bury these feelings deep down. Only lately i've come to realise that sometimes its not possible to sort everything by yourself and i have been debating whether or not to post on here for several weeks now because although i have realised i need help i don't want to burden (cant think of another way to explain what i mean) other people with them because everyone has a lot to resolve without adding to it.
Although part of me does want to tell my parents i cant't because to me i feel as though i am protecting them from me and i know that if i told them whaat was going on in my head it would really worry them. My dad isn't very well at the moment and i don't want to increase the stress on them. I feel guilty about telling them but there isnt any easy way to do it and i hate keeping things from them.
Things have just been gradually going downhill since the summer holidays last year, but i thought when school started things would pick up, and for a while they did. Then things began to get worse two weeks before Christmas im not completely sure what triggered it but throughout Christmas holidays i just kept how i was feeling hidden and acted like the normal me would. I even got the chance to see my nan but bacause of a huge family row nearly ten years ago my other grand parents went aways so they wouldnt have to see us. I hardly have any contact outside of my immediate family and it hurts that they don't want to know us. I hate the fact that although they send cards on Christmas almost all of me relatives keep away, i cant even remeber what they look like. Family is everything to me they are my whole world and one day i know theyre not going to be around and things will be to late and this feels as though its tearing me up inside. Then New year my dog died and that left a hole, and the feeling that it was somehow my fault and that i should have known. Some people think that animals are animals and that they can be replaced. But to me he wasnt just an animal he was my best friend and a member of my family.
Since then things have just been gradually getting worse, i cannot deal with my emotions so i just keep them in Thats why it has got to this point when i feel as though there taking over and the only way to release them is to hurt myself, but doing it without causing too much suspicion justs adds to it because if you do it too much ppl will see and realise meaning i have to explain everything. I know that the best way to help myself would be to tell my family but theres never going to be a good time to do it, and i dont feel ready for that yet.
By isolating myself from everyone else i am able to think about things and feel as though im not only protecting others but myself. I spend hours on my own because you can be yourself and either ignore whats going on in your head and can distract yourself. Its nice to do things with people and its nice to be on your own i havent established an even balance yet.
At home i dress comfortably, same old t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms, because like staying in its safe and feels ok. When you go out you have to make an effort cause people are going to see you. I have safety zones being at home or when im at school the library because its what i know, if you get what i mean, these are the places where i can just isolate myself from the rest of the world and be quiet and just watch. The only problem is you watch as the world goes by, hours turn to days and days to weeks and before you know it times flown by, christmas, easter, end of school. When i tried to speak to someone they said i was wishing my life away. But im not im trying
Dear Sam
I have not had long periods of being severely depressed so cannot relate directly but if I may put in my twopenny worth..
As you're just about to turn 17 - right ? it is a very difficult period in life . Not a child , not an adult , not sure where you fit in and lots of opportunities or fears ahead. Emotions are such difficult things - we love the happy and joyful ones but the sad and nasty ones can cause such surges and upset that it's hard to know how to handle them.
It is certainly not burdening to post here and release and practice 'feeling' you way through all the sensations that are thrown up.
I can understand about not wanting to tell your family what is going on with you - even though they'd probably prefer to know - but there are now lots of outlets for teenagers to explore and share their issues both on the net and with helplines and local organizations.
The being alone is fine but do recognise that all you hear continually this way is your own version of events and interpretations of scenarios and thoughts and over time if they are bleak ones anyway, there is the natural tendancy to exacerbate these out of proportion. It's human to slightly exagerate and to yourself is no exception.
One of the many good things about sharing is getting a variety of viewpoints- some which you may not have considered previously.
Managing change is one of the hardest things to do especially when it is out of your own control and thus the reason why many youngsters start self harm or obsessing or anorexia , its the only control they feel they have
- over their own body and mind.
Starting with small chunks and steps is the best way as you say. If you can control ytour body in self harm you can control it enough to insist it uses the energy in a productive fashion. Exercise and Sarahs dancing will not only release endorphins which will give you a natural lift but also energize you and give you some focus now that school is ending for the year. Being depressed is physically draining and fatigue is usual but overcomeable by movement.
Your feelings over your dog are completely natural and expected. Animals are nonjudemental and devoted and we can tell them anything and they still come and lie with us. Often pets and children have shared most of their lives so the grief is extremely pronounced.
Family issues are always wrenching - who talks to who and who can visit etc . Unless there is something positive you can do to alter it there is not much point keeping your focus here and dwelling on what might have been. Maybe you could try to reach out and meet new people who you can share with as equals rather than always being the strong reliable one although that role can be very satisfying as you help others and see that you are not tha only one with issues.
Are you doing Exams at present and whats are your plans for next year ?
I don't know if that helps at all but just points to ponder .
Do keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
Meg
april tones
04-06-04, 20:26
hi sam, you are not a burden. We are all here to help each other. It is very good site. I can tell everyone anything on here and no one judges you as we are all in same boat. I had to tell my parents as it was noticable, it hurt me to see my parents hurt and worrying but like my mom said its what they are there for. I am a young mom myself, 23 and my little boy is 8 months old. I would want him to talk to me about anything he wants as i wouldnt want him distressing hiself. So thats a point of view as a parent too. Is there any one else you can talk to? have you been to doctors? love april xx
apriltones
hi sam, i did wanna say try and keep on 'sharing' your feelings, it will help.
you're not a burden for sharing them, as you yourself give time to others, many will be pleased to give time to you.
keep posting, keep sharing
you take care andrew
Hi, thanks for replying
I turned 16 at the weekend and after a lot of thinking i did decide to meet up wiith my frienmds, although it gave me a buzz to get out there and do this i spent the whole day feeling anxious, wondering whether i was doing the right thing. Im currently in the middle of my GCSEs and part of me is enjoying them because it gives me something to do and the chance to get out and see my mates. I dont live in a town so there is not a lot of oppertunity to meet new people, but this has never bothered me because im more of a home person. When im on the internet i have been on a lot of websites and looked at the different organisations.
I know i cannot change the past and that i should look to the future i find it hard to, because the past is what i know and the future will eventually come to an end. I had the chance to speak to my grandparents on the phone at the weekend and although i was able to talk to my nans easily when it came to my grandad it was like talking to a stranger, we ended up talking about the weather to break the awkward silences. I cannot change the fact that this arguement happened but it hurts so much, i hardly know who they are and the chances are if i saw most of them i wouldnt recognise me and i them.
I plan on getting a part time job over the summer holidays to give me some direction, before i go back to sixth form. My parents would want to know how im feeling as they would want to help but i cant do it, they have begun to notice that im having trouble sleeping and am not eating properly. Ive reached the stage where i feel exhausted most of the time and find it difficult to motivate myself to do stuff. I had been thinking for a while that if i just try and forget how im feeling it would go away then i could sort it out in several years time without anyone knowing, but ive done this for so long with all my emotions that i cant asnymore.
ASlthough i have some close mates i dont feel able to talk about how i feel because in the past i have had friend problems and still do which is why i find it hard to talk to people because you don't what their thinking and whether or not they're judging you. I did attempt to talk to a teacher at school who is involved in a number of schemes but when i told i felty as though she was looking at me as though i was crazy and since have lost the nerve to talk to anyone after three months of building myself up to talk to hert. There is a school nurse at school but im year 11 and have finished so there wouldnt be much she could do as im not going to be at school for a while. be anything she can do, and the local doctors is in town. I know they can keep confidentiallity but i couldnt do that.
Thanks for your help
Sam
april tones
12-06-04, 19:45
hi sam, there is help out there for you. Please talk to someone and dont block it in. I will help you if i can.The school nurse can put you in touch with the right kind of people. As your mom and dad have half guessed it be better to tell them whats wrong as they will only think the worse as they will assume. love april xx
apriltones
Hi April, thanks for replying
Im no longer at school now finished this week, so dont have contact with the school nurse. Im not very keen on doctors, i havent got anything against them or anything, i find it hard to talk to adults in person and especially talking on phones. There is this sort of drop in councelling thing in my town which im working myself up to go to, but i think it will be a couple of weeks before i get the nerve to. Ive had a look at a lot of websites on the internet reading up on different things and they say to talk to someone, its just doing it thats going to be difficult because i find it difficult to trust people. Theres so much going on at the moment that i cant bring myself to tell my parents, there have been a couple of times when ive come close but i cant actually bring myself to do it. There isnt an easy way just to say it and i know therell want to know why i feel like this but i couldnt explain it, not to my family anyway. There are times when i just lie awake at night thinking everything through and everthing just seems pointless and insignificant when there so much going on in the world. When i feel like this i just try and bury the feelings back down and try and ignore them , just so i dont have to think about them or numb them away with a drink so that i can unwind. I know this doesnt help because it just puts it off and doesnt solve anything. Lately i have no energy and by three i feel as though i could sleep for hours. I dont know what im doing or where im going. I feel as though im trying to hold onto everything as it is now, but its like keeping water in ur hands because eventually things will change. I think about the future i think about the past and slowly im beginning to let go of it. When im walking down the street i see people and think that could be me in a couple of years. It sounds stupid, but i dont recognise who i am anymore a year ago i knew, but now the years come and gone, a week turns into a month and a month into six and here we are in june, where has the time gone, its not as though ive achieved anything im just existing, and i dont want to carry on wasting time because we only get one chance at life and with those who we care about so i want to enjoy it as they are. I just dont know what im doing with my life.
Sam
hey Sam
I know exactly how you feel(its so similiar to how i was) i was 17 when i first started being anixous. I was the same as you...always dealing with other people's problems but i never could tell anyone about mine! its now 3 years on and only now do my friends know everything!(try to let them know ur abit:(
I know now the reason i had problems was change i didnt know what direction to go in and i felt pressure from every side! and like you i watched my life away (i still do now sometimes), i always wished one day everything would be fine!somehow like magic my worries would disappear!bet thats how u feel!?
Ok so advice keep a diary i do! its a great release and no one has to see it but you! and i think you should tell ur parents(well at least your mum) My mum has been amazing and it will really help you, even if its just taking you to the doctors! think about it they are probably more worried now cos u wouldnt tell them whats up!
Also i used to go out alot when i was ur age and when i started panicing i would still go but drink alot!not a good idea! try not to drink when ur feeling low it only makes you feel worse!
i hope this help (and makes sense), you are not alone remember that! try everyday do something that makes you smile, even just alittle thing will make u feel better!
Love Jenny xx
hi jenny, thanks for replying
By writing on here this is the first time that i have been really able to tell people how i feel, and i know that by doing it i know that it will be understood. At school i am friends of everyone but friends of no one, if that makes sense, i have no real close friends i am there for people when they need some help or someone to talk to but i have no one who i can talk to. I feel sort of isolated and worry if i were to tell someone what would they think? Its as though theres two sides to me the one that has all the feelings and the other which hides the first and protects me from getting hurt by not letting people in. I've got to the point where its finally begining to reach the surface and im scared what if it comes out but at the same time i know if it does i will be able to get some help. I want to let my mum know but feel as though i am protecting her by not. how did u tell your mum how you were feeling, if you dont mind me asking. Its just i cant bare to worry her or any of my family because i would do anything to protect them but i know by not telling her she is becoming increasingly more worried and keeps asking if everythings ok.
For the past couple of weeks i have been sleeping really badly and now feel completely exhausted both mentally and physically. Im considering taking something to help me sleep but im determkined not to go on any meds or pills which is one reason im not keen on going to the doctors. I am so fed up and exhausted i just wish everything would stop but i know that it wont go away just by hoping it will or ignoring it, and that it will take time. Ive been reading up on a couple of things and a lot of it says that stress can shorten your life over a prolonged amount of time and can result in othere problems, which frightens me.
I have never kept a diary and im paranoid at starting one in case any one in my family were to come across it, im already paranoid that they mind find this forum because i dont feel ready to tell them yet. Ive decided to try and go to a dropin councelling consultation in my near by town this week, to see if it helps.
Sam
Hey Sam
Of course i dont mind you asking...basically i didnt tell her, it was the end of the summer holidays and i was very worried about goin back to school!it was goin to be my final year of a-levels. I was on the way to school and i had a major panic (i didnt know what they were at the time) my mum took me home i walked through the door and collapsed, i was taken to the docs and i was told i was suffering from nervous exhaustion!
I dont mean to scare you!it wont happen to you.but i think my mum found that hard to deal with because i hadnt opened up to her sooner!
Do go and see a councellor it will help!!!!!!
Take care
Jen x
Hi, i just thought id put a quick message into say that im going to go and see a councellor tomorrow for a consultation, luckily i can do it in the town centre. Am feeling quite anxious about it but i know that it will help, thank you all for your support.
Sam
Hiya Sam
Good on you for going and doing something about it.
I hope you get on ok.
Let us know how it goes wont you?
take care
Love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
Hi Sam
You have been ever so brave in discussing your problems with us. Well Done.
I'm so very pleased that you have put your fears to one side to get help.
Good Luck, and let us know how you get on.
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.
[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'
hi sam, well done for managing to sort out a counsellor consultation and i hope it goes well for you. you might feel a bit anxious - who wouldn't - but im sure you'll cope alright.
you take care andrew
Hi everyone, thankyou very much for your support it really has helped.
I nearly didnt make it, after turning back twice and pacing up and down outside the carpark i went and stood under the sign for ten minutes outside trying to talk myself out of going. If it hadnt been for one of the councellors opening the door to help someone out noticing me i wouldnt have gone through with it. i thought of all the help you've all given me and knew it was the right thing to do. The person who i spoke too said that she could see i was becoming increasingly anxious and was very supportive to me, i felt as though she understood how i was feeling. It did help but i felt as though i didnt know how much to tell her because i werent sure if i could trust her but the more we talked the more relaxed i became. Ive decided that im going to back next week but this time remember my rescue remedy so that i can avoid shaking. I still havent told my mum how im feelingbut have decided that in time i will i just need to deal with some of the stuff thats going on inside me first. Untill then i cant arrange specific times but i can do drop in sessions when im in town, im hoping next time it will be easier to walk through the door, lol. I have a school dance tonight and am really anxious i know it will be ok once i get through the door but im terrified of going through the door and am dreading it part of me thinks it would be best to stay at home because i can then avoid the people who are going but if i continue not to do these things ill always end up avoiding them. Unfortunately only soft drinks so im going to have to rely on deep breaths and a lot of positve thinking to get me through the night.
Thankyou all for your support
Sam
Positive thinking is the key to success!
Hiya Sam
Really well done for plucking up the courage to go to see the councellor. You have taken a positive 1st step towards helping yourself so im really proud of you mate!!!
I hope you feel more confident and less shakey next time eh?
Im sure you will be fine at the dance tonight. Go and have a good time. Like you say, you will be fine once you go through the door. Go get em girl!!!
love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
hi sam, i was really pleased to read that you managed the 'counselling' despite being very anxious, good for you. hopefully you will gain positive benefits from it.
try and go to the dance, im sure you'll be ok once your through the doors. if its not any good or your not enjoying it, you can always leave - but i hope you have a good time.
take care andrew
Sam
I was so pleased that you went to the counsellor and had a good experience there.
It will be easier next week as you know what to expect . I stood outside several doors dawdling battling with myself of whether I could face going in or not so well done to you and the door opener for geting you in ..
Now that you're seeing someone who can support you , it does take the pressure off. Mum would probably prefer to know but in the great scheme of things we've all not told Mums things and I can think of a great many worse things to keep from her .. so all in your own time.
Enjoy your dance if it's good and worthwhile.
Meg
'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'
Dr.David Livingstone
Hi everybody, thank you all for your support, its taken me a while to get back because weve been having computer problems.
The dance went pretty well and by the end of the night wqas glad i went, so thankyou all for your encouragement. Ive now had two sessions and although ive only just started i really cant see how things can change i will always have these feeling and it just takes something to happen to bring them back. I cant find any happiness in what im doing. Last year i was always optimistic and positive but now ive changed from within myself and i dont recognise who i am. Im trying to stay positive and take things one step at a time i know its going to take a lot of work and that i need to help myself but up untill now i have always been able to deal with it on my own. I was seriously let down by someone i considered a close friend and this has completely shattered my trust. Theres nothing i can do about it because what happened happenned and it cant be changed. This has led me to question everything and i feel if someone can do that to a friend what else can they do. I feel so much hurt, sadness and anger that it seems ast though its eating me up from within and destroying who i am. Everynight i fight to get myself to sleep i try to unwind and listen to music to calm myself but it doesnt seem to help. Im trying to avoid meds as much as i can but know eventually i may need them, then when i am asleep i constantly have vivid nightmares. We only get one life and everyone has to work so hard at it but we are still born to die, we spend most of our life working to retire then die. There is so much suffering in the world that it doesnt seem fair, some people get one year whilst others get seventy but the outcome is always the same. I cant see where i am going or what i am doing i am not who i was.
Sam
hi sam, you sounded pretty down writing that last post, hopefully you're feeling happier today.
it really is too soon to be judging the effectiveness of the counselling - i remember going for 6+ months myself and looking back that wasn't long enough.
suggestion, maybe 1 hours counselling a week isnt enough support for you - try posting more on here, going chatroom, maybe involving your family, ask the counsellor for suggestions, NO PANIC do telephone based support things. i do understand and totally relate that 'reaching out for support' aint really your thing, try to find a balance that works better for you.
sorry to hear you was let down badly by one of your friends just carry talking and sharing your feelings about it - dont let it eat from within, get it out, talk, share.
also be careful of your feelings, cos reading the last part of your post it seems your hurt has 'doom and gloomed' your whole outlook on life. i know that hurt when you're let down by someone youve let in, especially when you dont trust easierly. try not to let it cloud your whole future. you wont go back to being the same person, you've had new experiences but there are no reasons why you wont be optimistic, positive, happy, that sam is still part of you.
hope i aint lectured, you take care and keep in touch
andrew
Hi Andrew thanks for replying
I really want to tell my mum, there are times when i think just tell her it will work out for the best but i really cant bring myself to do it because i know that once ive told her how im feeling she'll want to know why im feeling like this. There are times when i feel myself but these dont last long, and i think maybe i can get through this on my own, but deep down i know i cant. I cant change the past or go back to it but at the moment i cant accept the future and am stuck in between. I have so little energy at the moment that by the afternoon i feel as though i need to sleep. When i do sleep im constantly having pretty disturbing dreams some of which are starting to reoccur and most of the time result in someone i know being killed. I keep dreaming that i get shot in the head and kneck, but because they always happen at the very end of sleep i never finish the dreams.
Someone i thought was practically my closest friend told me that they were dying and for two years i believed them becasue its not something you'd make up. But always in the back of my mind there was some doubt which i suppose was me trying to prevent myself from feeling gullible. At the same time this person always came out with things like its ok for you at least your not going to ie in ten years time, what can you say to this, do you believe your friend and trust them or not and then something happens? I trusted him and i dont trust people easily then a month before we finnish school he says 'im cured' and this is so insulting to the people who really have the disease as there isnt a cure at the moment. He lied and manipulated us, i feel as though he took part of me shredded it spat on the parts then stamped on it. When i spoke to him he told one lie after another, all i wanted was the truth, but now i dont know what to do.
Sam
hi again sam,
you could just try saying to your mum that you are feeling bad quite often and think you may have some anxiety and depression - you dont need to be able to justify your own feelings, who knows why we feel, how we feel.
do you wake up when you've been killed in your dreams. just a thought on why they happen at the end of your sleep and dont seem to finish. this might seem a bit weak but it works in the long term - when it happens, reassure yourself that you are ok and it was just a dream, also that you are an ok person, tell yourself, hear your voice.
wow, what a w....., how uncool is that. you are the only one that can decide what you're gonna do, you can give yourself as much time as you want to make your mind up. the hurt will pass.
anyway you take care...........andrew
Thanks Andrew
Ive decided that before the third week of the summer hols has gone at some point i will tell my mum, i cant do this anymore there is no light ahead all i can see is darkness. When i feel really low it feels like ive sunk into a pit and theres no way out, when i feel like this i just want to be away from the everything and everyone just so i can try and blcok all thoughts out. I realised yesterday that i dont know how long i can go on like this, i cant just keep waiting for these feelings to pass i need help to deal with them so when ive told my mum im going to go to the doctors. I just cant do it at the moment i hate that im keeping it from them but eventually i know im going to have to tell them because i cant see any other way out. The councellor person ive been speaking too has been very supportive and has suggested ways of telling them its just finding the right moment. I think about death a lot especially when i am feeling down but there are times when i just wish everything would end, i still have the feelings that i want to cut myself and sometimes thinking about it eases the pain but its the idea of my family finding out thats stopping me, they are whats keeping me going. The dreams that i have normally happen just before its time to wake up so i never reach the end because i have to get up, but most of the time it takes about 15 mins to remind myself that they are only dreams no matter how real they are. I just cant see any positive way out at the moment, i know it will take time and a lot of work but i always thought i'd always be able to deal with things on my own but i cant any more.
Sam
hi sam
firstly i wanted to say that i thought you were coping well, obviously your going through a tough time at the moment but you are dealing with it, your the one feeling your feelings and not burying your head in the sand. try not to let it all overwhelm you - there is always hope, keep your chin up.
its good youve a plan to tell your family, cos reading your posts its an issue that you need to resolve - if only for your own peace of mind. and the doctors is worth a try, you need to do whatever it takes.
errrrr, im not sure what to say about the self harm other than DONT. i think i meant with the dreams - to kinda mother yourself along the lines of ' it felt bad but its ok now' rather than it was 'just a dream'
anyway, what are you up to in your day? are you keeping yourself busy and occupied?
you take care and stay in touch........... andrew
Hi Andrew thanks for replying, ive started work in the evenings now which is good as it helps distract me and is really enjoyable. I hurt myself because to me it feels like i deserve it like in winter no matter what the weather was i didnt wear a coat or jumper most days because i kept thinking that if i was ill id deserve it. That probably doesnt make sense but its just something ive felt for a while.
Sam
Positive thinking is the key to success!
hi sam, pleased to read youve found a job your enjoying and good to have some money in your pocket as well. it is helpful to have to concentrate on 'doing things' rather than 'thinking things' eh, ive just gone back to work after a couple of months myself.
yeah i always felt all this to be a bit of a 'self hate illness' for want of a better description. but i think half the battle is to actually see it. and although those feelings run deep and arent easierly changed, as you see yourself feeling that way - you can try to change the way you react.
hope the counselling is going ok and your enjoying the sunshine today, keep in touch, take care ....... andrew
Hi, i dont know what to do i am so scared that im going to loose my dog, i tried not to get too close to him when we first got him because i hadnt dealt with losing my first dog at xmas and i was scared that the same thing would happen. Weve only just had him a short while and hes only a pup, we took him out yesterday and i was watching him for twenty minutes while my brother was racing. In this time he was feeling quite playful and chewing on his lead and scavenging in the grass like all dogs do. But fifteen minutes later he started drooling at the mouth i pointed this out to my dad and he said it was bile. He then started having diarroeha, was sick, his eyes were watering and he was shivering; I was terrified that we were going to lose him. All the way home we were trying to keep him comfortable and keep him awake because if he fell asleep we were scared he wouldnt wake up. Even though weve only had him, a short time he is already a big part of the family and if anything happens to him ill never forgive myself. He was picking up cigarette ends, and pieces of a plastic bag but i made sure that i got them off him. Hes spent the night on a drip and although the vet says hes come through the worse hes still very ill. What if it was something he found in the grass when he was with me, i dont know. I will never forgive myself if anything happens to him and i know that my family wont either, because i was responsible for him at the time and i shouldve been paying more attention to what he was sniffing and picking up he detereioated so quickly. The vet doesnt know what caused him to get ill but says it could be something to do with my dogs gastric..... He had already spent most of the day asleep. I felt so guilty with what happened to my first dog that i felt i shouldve know something was wrong. If anything happens to this one i will never forgive myself, i just dont know what to do im so scared all we can do is prey and hope for the best but there is always what if?
When i was 17 (im only 18 now!!!) i felt majorly depressed and even once told my dad that i wanted to kill myself (that was scary) however, it was strange, one day i was just doing my own thing and a weight got lifted off my shoulders and so far so good, ive not been that bad since.
I really hope a weight gets lifted off your shoulders Sam xx
H
hi sam, please dont blame yourself for this - it could have been a million reasons why he was sick and all of them totally beyond your control. and talk to somebody as to why you feel guilty about your first dog. hopefully he will make a swift full recovery. you take care ..... andrew
Sam,
Dogs run off and scavenge - its their job as dogs to do this , you mustn't feel responsible for their every move.
Its clear he got hold of something toxic - a one off- and its made him ill as toxic food make us ill. Imagine how Mums feel when something they provide make their family ill and it happens in most families at least once in a lifetime..
I do hope he's ok and recovers well and swiftly. They're like babies they get ill quickly and get better quickly too.
Take care
Meg
Caz Fab Pants
31-07-04, 23:19
Sam,
Just been reading through the pages of this thread and get the impression that you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and yet you are only 16!!
I dont have the answers to all your problems but I do know that you need to learn to like yourself instead of putting yourself down, blaming yourself for things and disliking yourself so much that you want to physically harm yourself.
To me you sound like an intelligent person who is dealing with a mixture of emotions. This probably isn't helped by the fact that you are at an age where you have alot of hormonal changes going on which effect your mood.
Try looking at things from lots of different angles instead of one negative angle. For example, its not that you were gulliable when you believed the story your friend told you. The truth is he obviously has issues that he needs help with or else he wouldn't feel the need to tell such lies. I'm sure your friend didn't set out to make you feel like your trust had been abused, he probably just said something that got out of hand and he was unable to retract it without looking (and feeling) silly.
Would love to hear how you're doing with the councelling and wondered if your dog recovered ok?
Hugs,
Caroline :)
x
Rennie1989
01-08-04, 16:06
sorry i havent had the chance to read dis post
welcome back (yes i know a bit l8 now)
how did ur GCSEs go 4 u
Scooter Girl
if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears
Hi everyone thanyou all for your support, sorry im pretty late replying
My dogs hoime now and has recovered :D it took him a while to regain much of his strength but is back to his old self. When we took him in that day he spent the night under sedation on a drip so that hed be able to keep down the fuids that they were giving him, The vet told us that he wasnt sure what it was but there was a chance it could happen agin. Im so grateful that he is alive and well, i dont know what would've happened if wed've been further away. Im scared to leave him on his own in case anything were to happen while we werent there even the slightest sympton starts all the what if thoughts coming back and starts me panicking thinking its happening again. The night before i was worried something was going to happen but i never dreamed it would. Hes such a big part of the family already that i dont know what id do if he werent here. At the weekend we took him out for a little walk and all the way back he kept rubbing his face against his front paws, i knew something was bothering him but when we checked him over we couldnt find anything so the anxiety kicked in assum,ing the worse. When we got him home he had a nap when i went to check on him there was a corn seed that had come out of his eye. LAter on he went out in the garden and started scavenging ending up in him choking on a small piece of twig! My mum got it out but it was just another thing, people say things happen in threes and hopefully this will be it, hes so small and seems so defenceless that i just want to protect him, but he has to learn and grow, im keeping a close watch over him, im just so grateful hes alive.
When i lost my first dog i felt that it was my fault that somehow i should've known, he was my closest friend i know he couldnt talk but i really felt like we understood each other. He was always there for me and when he needed me most i wasnt there. If i could've i would've swapped places id've done anything for him just as i think he would've me. I feel so guilty because we had him put down, ive always had strong beliefs about animals rites and have always felt it was wrong. He'd been ill for a couple of weeks beforehand and although when he was asleep id check he was still breathing i didnt expect it to be a real possibility. He went in for a check up, the morning he did go in i didnt get a chance to see him, i was in the shower and didnt think they were leaving till later, thinking he was going in for antibiotics i thought id get a chance to see him when he came out, but late that afternoon we got a phone call saying that whilst he was under the anaedthetic they had found a big tumour in his chest that was spreading, because of his age they couldnt operate. They saiid at the moment he didnt feel any pain and the kindest thing to would be to not bring him round. i felt like id failed him i wasnt there to comfort him, i didnt see him in the mroning and i didnt say goodbye. We buried him in our garden my parents didnt want me to see him as he was or being buried but i feel that if i had i couldve said goodbye and got closure. I asked that he could have his favourite ball with him so knowing that he had that i felt a bit better. I put off dealing with these feeling for so long that i feel so guilty, when he died a part of me dies with him. There are times when i still half expect to see him sitting down waiting for me to come and stroke him or say heelo. When we go to walk our second dog i sometimes turn round expecting to see my first there with us. There are times when i just feel so empty of any feelings inside, trtying to block out any emotions that i feel if you stuck a sphere straight through me i wouldnt feel it, and there'd be no blood. A bird died on our grass recently, when we went to bury it maggots and ants had already started to infest it and eat it, and thats made me think of how my dog is, i want to think of him as whole but the image of the bird comes back and now makes me think about what happens when anything is buried. When i think about
Rennie1989
03-08-04, 22:00
sam
im gonna be yr10 on september
make sure u PM me ur results, be nice to now, :D
Scooter Girl
if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears
hi sam, good to read your little dog is recovering well and i hope your doing ok yourself. im sure the first one knew how much you loved him and he walks with you still in your feelings, having a little cry will let go of some of the pain not your happier memories. hope your well, take care .. andrew
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