Post-traumatic Stress

[venusbluejeans]

I have done an awful lot of thinking during the 8 years since I was alone and found my Dad collapsed and passed away on our kitchen floor and have suffered on and off since then with severe Panic and Anxiety, fortunately at the minute I am pretty anx free and can live a just about normal life.


I have never actually been diagnosed with anything other than anxiety and panic attacks, but have been thinking why? Why should it have happened to me? Is there a reason for my anx/panic or is it just how I am?


Post-traumatic Stress disorder (PTSD) has never been suggested to me I never thought anything of it…… after all losing a loved one is all part of life isn’t it?? PTSD is just for soldiers who have been at war and witnessed something terrible while at war isn’t it??


For me I will ALWAYS feel guilty for having panic and anxiety because of the death of my Dad…… Yeah it was the most traumatic experience of my life and I will NEVER forget that day but I mean so many more people have had it worse than me and they are fine so hell why should I let this affect me when others who have suffered more be fine.

Anyway this kind of led me to research PTSD and see if any of it actually applied to me….


What is post-traumatic stress disorder?

The term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) is used to name a range of symptoms you may develop in response to experiencing a traumatic event, which is outside of your normal human experience. It is often a delayed response.

Hmmm yeah was definitely a traumatic event for me especially as it was me who found my dad, but it is normal for people to lose loved ones isn’t it part of human life unfortunately, no matter how it happens.
Delayed? Yeah I guess so as afterwards my first plan was to look after my mum and be strong and look after everyone else first before myself (I still prefer to do this a lot)

What are the symptoms?

PTSD can cause many symptoms. These symptoms can be grouped into three categories:

1. Re-experiencing symptoms:


Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
Bad dreams
Frightening thoughts.



2. Avoidance symptoms:


Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
Feeling emotionally numb
Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.



3. Hyper arousal symptoms:


Being easily startled
Feeling tense or “on edge”
Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.


Not sure I had many of those symptoms really although I could probably say what happened that day in great detail. I have had a few bad dreams about it but my main problem is that I sit and think about things, things that I could have done, lots of what ifs…. What if I had not have had a lay in that day, what if my neighbour was not in etc.


I feel extremely guilty because I have thoughts like

‘it would have been a lot better for me if I was not there as I would not have seen what I did and perhaps would not feel as I do now’

Or even worse

‘I am glad that I was not actually there when he collapsed because the drs said there was nothing that could have been done when he did, so would not like to have tried everything and it all be in vain as it would make me feel worse’


It makes me feel worse because I should NOT be thinking like that, I should not be thinking about what would have been better for ME…. I mean what if I could have done something it would have been better if I was there…. I just feel rather selfish for thinking like that.
Ok so I guess I do have a lot of the symptoms then….. Still hate being alone especially in the house, so I guess I avoid being alone because of the memories. When I was really bad with anx/panic my mum was my safe person…… I am only now starting to think that maybe that is because I want to keep her close so nothing will happen to her like it did with my Dad….

I cannot avoid the place it happened and to be honest I don’t think I would want to….. It is home and it holds so many memories for me… yes the main one being a really bad one but there are so many good memories here, so many things that remind me of little stories that make me smile.


Writing this I think I have realised that yes I think I had PTSD which led to me having Anxiety and panic attacks. But I do not think I have it now…. I am just left with the ANX and panic that the PTSD caused….. and I am well on my way to beating that, although it will always be in the background I feel that I now have the strategies and coping techniques to be able to cope with it if it does raise its head


It makes me realise that yeah crap things happen, we are diagnosed with things, people die and people come in and out of our lives….. but above all, WHATEVER happens in your life you have to make the most of it, you cannot live your life in the past or thinking about things that MAY happen…

I am not actually expecting anyone to have read all of this or have reply to it as it is very long and was really just to get things out of my head before it exploded :yesyes:

Not one of us knows how long we have, so make the most of what you have. Make sure you live your life!!

[Annie0904]

I was one of the first on the scene of a car accident when I was only 17 (54 now) and it was very horrific so I will not go into details but I kept having flashbacks until a few year ago when a counsellor told me that as soon as the scene comes to my mind to change the picture into black and white, that way it wouldn't be so bad. It worked but I still get panicky every time I go on a car journey (most days) and even more so when I know my kids are out driving. I guess that may be a bit of PTSD. The worst thing is I was also one of the first at another fatal car crash a few years ago but that one has not affected me as much as the first.

[Sparkle1984]

I think it might be PTSD, especially as it was you who found your dad. It must have been a very traumatic experience for you. :weep: If that sort of thing happened to me I'd really freak out.

[loopylu86]

This is so sad. I was 18 when my Dad passed away and that was 8 years ago. I suffered anxiety after. He had been ill for 4 years with cancer and being the age I was I never once allowed myself to imagine that he ever would die. My family are close but not the kind to sit and address "what if's"...It was just too hard to face the reality and we never really had the talk that it was what would eventually happen. I will always remember the day my sisters and I were called to the hospital and just seeing him so,so ill. It breaks my heart everytime I think of it. He passed a week just short of a week later. This August was the 8 year "anniversary" and my dad passed away at just 43 the day after his birthday. My nan passed away 2 days before this day this year. This has what has brought my anxiety and panic attacks back in full force. It was a very similar scenario this time also...It just brought everything back. I know ptsd is for shock and things lke war etc and exactly as you described what happened with your dad but I wonder whether elements of it could be applied to my experiences...I have always thought no because like you said...People die and it's a fact of life. But I just find death too hard to deal with. Hence why I react with anxiety etc.

[Annie0904]

I am the same when it comes to death, I am fortunate to still have both my parents (.they are 82) It must have been awful for you to be the one to find your dad. I know that it was after my Grandad died when I was 7 that my dad started to suffer from anxiety (I sometimes wonder if mine could be learnt behaviour). I have lost others who were very close to me (including my 2 closest friends). Venusbluejeans you mentioned that you stayed strong to support your mum, I had to do the same for my friends children who were very young at the time. I started grief counselling last week and the counsellor mentioned that maybe I have not let myself go through the grieving process myself because I was trying to hard to support others. I decided to have the grief counselling because I know I have not dealt with the deaths and they are contributing to my anxiety. :hugs:

[loopylu86]

I am the same when it comes to death, I am fortunate to still have both my parents (.they are 82) It must have been awful for you to be the one to find your dad. I know that it was after my Grandad died when I was 7 that my dad started to suffer from anxiety (I sometimes wonder if mine could be learnt behaviour). I have lost others who were very close to me (including my 2 closest friends). Venusbluejeans you mentioned that you stayed strong to support your mum, I had to do the same for my friends children who were very young at the time. I started grief counselling last week and the counsellor mentioned that maybe I have not let myself go through the grieving process myself because I was trying to hard to support others. I decided to have the grief counselling because I know I have not dealt with the deaths and they are contributing to my anxiety. :hugs:

I can relate to this Annie. I always keep emotions under wraps. I didn't cry just felt numb and was there to comfort everyone else. My CBT man said that I was trying to skip the grieving process and it's unhealthy. We need to grieve too.

[saro]

Aww emmz... Im so glad that you have finally managed to get through such a tragic time in your life. Its good that you recognize your feelings and have dealt with them so well.. well done hunni xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ((hugs))

[Elen]

Emmz so much of your story makes total sense.

I am glad that you have got to the root of the problem.

You have done a great job dealing with your demons and this is yet another brilliant sign.

tc hun

Elen