RoxyFox
27-09-12, 20:50
Hello Im Roxy. Im 22, live with my boyfriend and daughter and have just started university. Im really sorry i havent replied to anyone elses thread yet but i have had a look threw and will deifnitley be (trying) to give some advice later on. The first time i had a panic attack i think i was 18 and i thought i was dying, having a heart attack or a stroke or something i cant explain it but i was absolutley convinced. It was one of the worst things ive ever gone threw and afterwards i was a wreck for months. i suppose im lucky in the way that i rarely ever get full blown attacks but ever since that first attack ive been a different person. Im anxty all the time and i worry about everything to the point of being physically ill. Ive got loads of phobias now (spiders, bugs, sankes, traveling in cars) and im convinced that me (or even worse) someone i love is going to get blown up in a nuclear war/ terrorist attack, shot, murdered, raped or choke on food. I hate walking by mydelf anywhere because i always get really dizzy and feel like im going to faint. Im convinced ive got a brain tumor or am going to have a heart attack. it sounds ridiculous now that its all laid bare like this but its my absolute reality im so sure of it i can feel all the symptoms as if there actually happening. I hate being around people i dont know very well (even if i like them) for fear that im going to puke, shit or piss all over myself (none of which has ever happended). All this was whilst ridiculous was not really an issue when i stayed at home with my daughter full time as i didnt have to face anything really apart from taking her to groups which had a nice safe vibe and to the shop etc which was fine about 70% of the time which i could live with. However now ive started university the problems have really started to surface. i have to leave the lectures every 10 - 20 minuites to go to the toilet or else im convinced im going to wet myself. Ive had to stop on the walk home and call my boyfriend to com eand collect me beacuse i thought i was going to faint and couldnt carry on walking. Im just thinking i wont be able to carry on with uni if this carries on and i really really want to do it. Im worried that having this social freak of a mother who noone really likes will ruin my daughters life, although my biggest fear is dying and leaving her behind because shes so young and loves me and my boyfirend and depends on us for almost everything. I drink alcohol to self medicate. its the only time im ever free from fears and relaxed. Its the only drug that works for me and ive tried a fair few (prescribed and unprescribed). The trouble is im having pints before and after my lectures and seminars now to get me threw the day when previously i only drank in the evening once my daughter had gone to bed. I really dont want to become an alcoholic but at the moment i feel like alcohol is the onlyt thing getting me threw uni. I drink by my myself in the day or if my daughter is at nursery my boyfriend will come just to sit with me (although he dosent drink in the day). Im ruining everyones life and its just because of this stupid anxiety that i cant seem to shake. Ive been to the doctors and they are always nice enough but i think that unless someone has been in the same situation themselves they really just cant understand what its like. Its like trying to explain the theory of relitivity to a cat or something. But i just came here as a sort of (not last but close) attempt. I would be so so grateful if anyone took the time to read this shit and please please offer some advice.