View Full Version : Feeling So Ashamed. I Let Myself And My Partner Down.
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 21:38
I'm feeling ashamed and full of regret right now. I couldn't even give my partner one day without stress thanks to panic, anxiety and paranoia. For gods sake, it's his birthday, and instead of enjoying it like I wanted, he is now stressed to the core because of me. One day, that's all I asked for, and no, those bloody anxiety attacks happened and once again I had to ruin the day. Do you know how much I hate myself now? It was supposed to be a day where I spoiled him. I booked tickets to see "Resident Evil" because I know it is a fave of his. But, panic, anxiety and paranoia kicked in and ruined everything. I was sitting in the cinema and having trouble breathing and getting myself into a manic state all because the people behind us were laughing. I thought it was once again all about me.
Why today? This day was supposed to be about me spoiling him, and yet I couldn't. Of course I had to take an extreme amount of Lyrica and now I feel elated and the odd twinge of panic, anxiety, paranoid thoughts. I COULDN'T do it and I hate myself right now. All I wanted to do was give him a good day, and, of course things ended up about me. I hate myself right now. I feel like I didn't give him that birthday I had planned.
Edward I am the same, it is my wedding anniversary today, I couldn't make it to go out for a meal and so ordered a takeaway, then I got anxious about the takeaway, ended up feeling so nauseous and upset tummy. have had to come up to bed and have taken diazipam to calm me down. I feel like I have let my husband down even though he says I haven't. I just hate this anxiety!
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 21:47
Edward I am the same, it is my wedding anniversary today, I couldn't make it to go out for a meal and so ordered a takeaway, then I got anxious about the takeaway, ended up feeling so nauseous and upset tummy. have had to come up to bed and have taken diazipam to calm me down. I feel like I have let my husband down even though he says I haven't. I just hate this anxiety!
I know exactly how you feel Annie. I'm glad you have Valium to calm you down. I really wish I had it right now. The shame and guilt is overwhelming and I feel so alone and wrapped up in my problems that I';m on the verge of self harming again.
Please don't harm yourself Edward..we can get through this, I know it doesn't feel it right now but we can and we will have better days. I have only taken 2mg but it is calmimg me a bit. Don't feel quilty..I am just telling myself it is the anxiety NOT me that has let him down. It will get better for us I know it will. here are lots of hugs for you :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
bernie1977
03-10-12, 21:56
Please try and relax Edward. Things just feel really bad right now because you've put yourself under a lot of stress and pressure today. I think you did really well to get to the cinema and just getting there was a massive achievement.
paranoidtree
03-10-12, 22:00
i agree with bernie, it was a great achievement to go to the cinema. Try to relax (i know, easier said than done) and maybe chat to your partner about it? Maybe you could do something else tomorrow as well?
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 22:02
I ruined everything. That deserves a razor blade across my wrists. Seriously, I'm burned out and thinking of calling Emergency Doctor to have me committed. No one needs to put up with this. Sick of life at this stage. It's beating me to a pulp and acting up with a vengeance.
I agree with Bernie. Just going to the cinema was huge! It is so hard with anxiety. If it was a physical illness that people could see then it would be so much easier. People just assume that it's all in your head or you're over-reacting..not understanding the pure doom of it all. This is not you making it about you Edward. You can not control these things when you are in the depths of panic! I know it's hard because you really wanted to make today special for your partner...but you really mustn't feel bad. Same as I said to Annie..You must of gotten so worked up about making it special that it triggered your anxiety. You really need to be kind to yourself x
bernie1977
03-10-12, 22:09
I've been exactly were you are now and felt just like you do now. The last time was on Sunday. It is the anxiety that is doing this to you, it will pass honestly. You are just feeling disappointed in yourself because you feel you've let your partner down, but I don't think you did. I think you did the best you could and that should be enough for anyone. I think you did amazing getting to the cinema. Sending you hugs Edward :hugs:
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 22:11
I ruined everything. I just wanted one day. Just one day away from it all, and I couldn't even manage that. It HAD to be all about ME. How am I supposed to keep calm now? I'm seriously on the verge of killing myself I am so full of shame and guilt. These feelings aren't going away and I have let my partner down so badly. I am seriously giving up. There isn't any point anymore.
Yes there is Edward. This is not forever!!!! These very negative thoughts are what feeds your anxiety. You need to learn some self love!! You have everything to live for!! xx
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 22:28
I just want to end it tonight. I seriously can't continue this.
bernie1977
03-10-12, 22:31
If you can't promise to wait and see how you feel in the morning I would suggest you ring the crisis team for their advice. I don't know what to say to try and make you feel better, I wish I did xx
I think you would be letting more people down if you did that Edward. You did your best today, don't beat yourself up over the fact that it didn't all go to plan. go and spend some time with your partner now in the house now, make a drink for you both and try to relax :hugs:
---------- Post added at 22:33 ---------- Previous post was at 22:32 ----------
and remember Edward...we all care about you :bighug1:
I feel awful tonight too Edward..It really gets too much to deal with sometimes. Something must be in the air tonight. You did the best you could despite the current circumstances. You have SO much to look forward to. You can't see it now but you really do. There will be a day when you look back at all this as just part of your story. Do not let this beat you. xx
Edward remember that anxiety attacks are about fear. They may be fear from the inside rather than the outside, but it is no different - it is fear, the same as someone who is afraid of spiders, or the dark, or horses. How many people can you think of who would hold a spider in their hand for 2 hours, or ride a horse cross-country if that is what they were afraid of? I can't think that many (if any) would be able to, yet today, YOU sat in the same room as YOUR fear for all that time, and you came out the other side! That really is SUCH an achievement!
Edward remember that anxiety attacks are about fear. They may be fear from the inside rather than the outside, but it is no different - it is fear, the same as someone who is afraid of spiders, or the dark, or horses. How many people can you think of who would hold a spider in their hand for 2 hours, or ride a horse cross-country if that is what they were afraid of? I can't think that many (if any) would be able to, yet today, YOU sat in the same room as YOUR fear for all that time, and you came out the other side! That really is SUCH an achievement!
What an excellent way of putting it! Fear of feeling the fear! It's all it is! The cinema is a huge achievement and as we all know..regular nerves/anxiety are quite easily relieved...put the spider down...get off the horse...with anxiety there is no relief...So endurance is so brave.
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 23:03
I made today all about me.
You didn't. Not in my opinion. You put yourself through a very scary experience for the benefit of someone else.
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 23:09
No, I didn't. I managed to ruin the whole day.
Has your partner said that? Have you spoken about how you're feeling now with him? If I feel this way about letting my husband down, when I eventually pluck up the courage to own up to him he always tells me not to be so silly, he is just pleased that I tried, for him.
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 23:16
I have to do something. Please excuse me right now.
Go to bed Edward and try to get some sleep. Think about things with a fresh mind in the morning. A tired mind is an unhappy mind, and as you've had an anxious day your mind will be extra tired x
Edward_1980
03-10-12, 23:28
I'm elated right now and don't feel like sleeping. I took all my medication and I feel better now. But, thanks for the concern. I really appreciate it.
I am pleased you are feeling better Edward. I hope you have a better day tomorrow :)
Have a good night sleep Edward! You may not see it now but you really did achieve something great today x
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