Worried I am gay...or is it HOCD?

[davespeak]

I am a 21 year old male who has recently been incredibly worried, stressed and depressed about the prospect of being gay. I suddenly started worrying about this after a recent holiday and I now can't get the worry of being homosexual out of my head.
Don't get me wrong, I am not homophobic, but I have just never seen myself as being gay and I still picture myself with a wife and kids when I am older.
When I was 17 I had a 2 year relationship with a girl I was massively in love with, I never questioned my sexuality. I've been single for around a year now and have dated girls and had several sexual partners since (all women). Again, never questioning my sexuality until a few weeks ago.
I now find myself obsessively looking at every person as I walk down the street questioning, do I find that male attractive, or why aren't I getting as turned on as I used to when I see an attractive female.
Literally, this is all I think about day and night, it has resulted in me not being able to sleep properly, waking up in hot sweats and just generally losing interest in a lot of what I used to find enjoyable.
I find myself looking back at all sexual encounters I've had with women and dates I've been on and question whether I was actaully attracted to them and question why I never got serious with any. Ultimately, I thought it was because I didn't want to get tied down at such a young age, but now I question was it a cover up of the fact I am actually gay.
Until a few weeks ago I used to be so so attracted to females, I would walk down the street and get aroused just looking at a girl, now this seems to have frittered away and I am so confused as to what's going on.
The last couple of days the anxiety and stress hasn't been as bad as before and I'm worried this is a sort of stage of acceptance I am gay. I went to the doctors in the week where this was the first time I had spoke about it and it felt bizarre even discussing the prospect of me being homosexual, the doctor referred me to a CBT therapist but I've heard this HOCD gets misdiagnosed a lot.
I tried watching gay porn, but again this didn't do anything for me, but when I look at a guy I have never got an erection but I can't say whether I am attracted to them or not.
I am so stressed with it all and just need some advice/opinions on what I am going through.
Thanks

[Edward_1980]

Hi. I'm Edward and I am gay. I really don't know what to say here. Could it be possible that you are so anxious about being gay that you actually let things build and believe it? I can't say that I have had this problem because I knew I was gay at the age of 15. After a lot of confusion and shame being attracted to men I eventually accepted it and went on to date other men. I am in a stable relationship now with my partner for over two years. If, and I'm saying if, you discover you are gay or not, it isn't a big issue in this day and age. I'm sorry this is causing you so much stress and I hope things become more clear to you as you go through it :)

[Laura123]

Hi, I agree with Edward. I think sometimes you can be so stressed that any sexual urges just go completely, just because you suddenly don't feel attracted to anyone doesn't mean you are gay? Are you actually attracted to men or have you ever been is more if an indicator, although, I am straight but I can quite easily admire the female form, that doesn't automatically mean I am gay. If I were you I would just focus on you right now and your anxiety and try not to stress about who you are attracted to, I am sure eventually it will become clear. Xx

[Edward_1980]

I meant to ask that too Laura. What do you feel when you look at a man? Do you think that he's good looking? Do you have sexual urges when you look at a man? Sorry for the harsh questions, but I'm trying to get a clear picture here in order to be able to help you :)

[davespeak]

I really don't know...I find myself consciously looking at them, like because i'm like right look at him to see whether you find him attractive. I have never had a problem in realising a bloke is good looking but it has never been attraction, but now since all this I look and don't know whether it's attraction, confusion but I know it's nothing like when I used to look at a girl I was attracted to. I appreciate your quick responses aswell.

[Edward_1980]

You seem to be pushing yourself into thinking that you are gay. You need to take time to really work on this. As I've said, it was easy for me because I accepted it after a while. Don't keep getting anxious when you have these feelings. You might not be gay at all, but just obsessing at the thought of it and automatically thinking men are attractive.

[Laura123]

You know I think when we are suffering anxiety out minds are so confused that if you forced yourself to stare at a goldfish for long enough you could probably convince yourself you were attracted to it. Forget about Men and women right now, just focus on controlling anxiety. The rest doesn't matter. Xxx

[Edward_1980]

Well said Laura. The anxiety and panic needs to be sorted out first and then you can come to a decision about your sexuality.

[lo89]

When I am feeling anxious I feel as attracted to my boyfriend as I do to say, a fridge door. When your mind is occupied with worry or anxiety it has no space to be occupied by sexual attraction. When I am not feeling anxious (which is most of the time as it is health anxiety which I suffer from) I am very much attracted to my boyfriend!
To me it sounds like you are looking for reasons why you are having a decrease in sexual desires and instead of realising that it is your anxiety causing this, you are assuming you mist be gay. I would agree with what someone else said and focus on dealing with the anxiety rather than trying to work out if you are gay.

[Mountainclimber]

if your gay so what, live your life the way you want to , and enjoy your life. Goodluck my friend.

[loopylu86]

I don't think it sounds like you are gay at all. If you are..excellent. If not..same. LO89 has hit the nail on the head there though. Anxiety decreases sexual urges and the fact that you aren't feeling it towards women right now is due to that. If you have never had a sexual urge towards a man then chances are you aren't gay. I go through Asexual phases were I have no libido whatsoever. Especially when anxious..then all of a sudden it's back and I see something sexy in pretty much every man on the planet lol. Try not to think about it. All will become clear eventually. It is also to do with emotions and feelings too. Not just the sexual side of it when it comes to attraction. Could you imagine being in love with a man?

[Edward_1980]

Could you imagine being in love with a man?

That's what I would like to know too. Have you thought about a relationship with another man? You really need to sort the anxiety out before you come to any decision.

[loopylu86]

That's what I would like to know too. Have you thought about a relationship with another man? You really need to sort the anxiety out before you come to any decision.

Yes...I wonder because there is so much more to it than sex. I am straight so although I think women are beautiful and can see the sex appeal...I just couldn't ever feel that way about a women. Same as my best friend is gay and he is the same. He appreciates women and loves glamorous women but just couldn't be in love with one either.

It's all about the love people!!! :bighug1:xx

[davespeak]

I mean I have very good male friends, and we are all quite close but not in an attraction sort of way, but then this whole thing is making me think am I such good friends because im gay etc. When I type it and say it, it does seem ridiculous but when I do panic and get anxious about it, these are the intrusive thoughts I go through. I genuinely can't see myself settling down or being in love with a male, I envisage getting a wife and having children in future years...I want to reitterate that I'm not against homosexuality it just isn't something I want to be personally. Again thanks for the comments guys, helping a lot

[Edward_1980]

If you genuinely can't see yourself settling down with another man and have plans to settle down and have a family then I think this could be a passing phase inducted by your anxiety. You need to find ways to deal with these thoughts and banish them from your mind whenever they become too overwhelming. Do you have a coping strategy for when these thoughts enter your head? I know it's hard now, but with time you will learn to control these thoughts and they will be a thing of the past.

[loopylu86]

My best friend think's that I am gay man in a woman's body. I love it when he says this. It's so true. lol x

[lleksam]

This sounds like OCD to me, if the thoughts are intrusive and cause anxiety and you perform some sort of ritual to remove the anxiety or disprove the thoughts then you have HOCD.

We all come to a cross roads in a our lives where we discover who we are, whover I do not think being gay would cause you anxiety apart from what the social impact could be.

Best of luck and if you are gay then live proud !

[Stormsky]

I don't think you are gay... Like said it sounds like HOCD... I find lots of women attractive, but I'm not a lesbian ...
Stop stressing, all the anxiety over this doesn't help you clear your mind or think rationally...