Anxiety After My Mum Passed Away

[Edward_1980]

Hiya. This is going to be a long post so please bear with me:)

My Mum passed away nearly two years ago after a long and painful battle with colon cancer. I went to her on her death bed and apologized for everything I ever put her through. She was in a coma with only hours to live, but I still believe to this day that she heard everything I said to her and that she passed knowing just how much I loved her. After her passing I refused to leave the hospital and stayed with her body for hours after she was gone. I made a very bad mistake and demanded on staying when the funeral directors came to take her body to the funeral home. I actually saw her being carried away on a stretcher with a red blanket covering her head (I was forced to leave the room while they transferred her body from the bed to the stretcher). That image is haunting me to this day and causes very bad anxiety attacks. I collapsed outside the hospital after the body was gone and over the next few days I was prescribed Diazepam and Xanax to get me through because I just wasn't coping with life and I was highly suicidal wanting to be with her. The day after her body was removed I once again obsessed and stayed with her in her coffin at the funeral home. I demanded on talking to her for hours and everything I left the room to go to the toilet I kissed her on the head and told her that I would be right back. People came and went to visit her body but I didn't take any notice of them or what they were saying to me. I was in a world of my own and just blocked them all out as if they weren't there. The night of the rosary when we said mass was a total numb feeling for me and I think I got through it ok, only for my aunt to start crying badly and telling my Mum to say hello to her son in heaven I broke, anger, grief and panic attacks kicked in and I had to get out of there. I was emotionally drained at this stage and I knew I couldn't keep up the pretense any longer. Dealing with this made the anxiety sky high and I relied on the pills to calm me down and numb me further. I would like to talk about the next day and the funeral, but I simply can't for the reason that I just can't remember it anymore. My mind has blocked it out and now I can't even remember her face. Every day it's like I have lost her all over again and I'm suffering panic attacks because my frame of mind is back two years ago when the sheer shock and panic knowing that she isn't there anymore. Writing this is killing me and I am emotionally all over the place, but I'm hoping that someone who has been there can relate to this. I need my memories back and I need to be able to remember her face. I always get ready for grief therapy, but when I talk about I break down and it's almost too much to bear.

[Laura123]

Edward this made me cry! Thanks a lot!!!!! :)

Darling 2 years is not a long time, it's all still so raw and painfull, perhaps you are just not in a place for the grief counselling yet. Perhaps just learning to cope day to day is the starting place for you, I said in my earlier message to you that your mums face will come back to you in time, and it will Edward, it really will, this is such a common thing when someone passes away. Sending you a massive hug, and we are all hear to try to help you. Xxxx

[Annie0904]

Hi Edward I have just started going for grief counselling and I think the counsellor would expect you to break down at some points. I sometimes have to stop talking and just have a good cry but the grief counselling really will help you to come to terms with this. Your Mum will be certainly know how much you love her. When my Gran was dying from cancer I was too scared to see her like that but you were able to be with your mum through her final hours and you can commend yourself for that. I didn't get to do that with my Gran but I do know that she knew how much I loved her and will understand why I couldn't be with her. 2 years ago is not that long and I can understand your grief but I would advise grief counselling, sometimes we have to let all the scary stuff come out so that we can move on to more positive days. :hugs::hugs:

[Edward_1980]

Thanks Laura and Annie.

Annie. I am so sorry for your loss and know how you feel. I am going to go ahead and get counseling because I need to break my frame of mind and get it back to the present. I can't go on everyday feeling like she has just died and having panic attacks because I realize she won't be there for me any more. Congratulations on taking the first step and going for the help you need and I once again apologize for the long post. Just remember that your Grandmother loves you and you love her very much from what I have taken from your reply :) XX

[Annie0904]

I lost a lot of family and close friends all in the same year and I was trying to be strong and support everyone else so I didn't really go through the grieving process myself. What I do know is there will always be a little piece of them always in my heart and in that piece I find and think about the happier moments we shared and that gives me comfort. I know that my Gran wouldn't want me to be unhappy, She had a heart full of love and always wanted to share it. I want to make her happy by trying to be the kind of person she was and helping others as much as I can just like she did. I started of crying writing this but now I am smiling because I am remembering the happy and funny memories :)

[Edward_1980]

I can be very upsetting writing these things and I am sorry if I brought this on. You seem to know exactly what to do. Your Grandmother loved you and is looking down right now knowing that you are doing everything in your power to find happiness. I'm sorry that you lost so many people. It makes what I went through seem like nothing. You seem to be a very strong person. All these people are looking down on us and know that we are trying our very best to stay positive. I know my Mum is looking down know, and if I know her, she is probably cursing me in heaven because I haven't made that much progress. I am trying though, but opening up about this subject is heartbreaking for me and I am full of shame, guilt and anxiety because she died before I made any sort of progress. All she saw when she was alive and suffering was a panic ridden, depressed alcoholic who was drunk every day as a way to cope with things. That is the reason why I demanded to stay with her in the hours before and after her death. I had to tell her to go and not worry about m.e anymore. Sorry, I'm shaking here with anxiety and tears rolling down my face. I want her back so much and I'm crippled with anxiety, panic and I'm emotionally drained todfay.

[Annie0904]

Edward sometimes we need to have a good cry to release our emotions and your Mum I am sure will be proud of any tiny little bit of progress that you make (I know because I am a mum) and she will not be cursing you...real Mums have unconditional love for their children and your Mum will have that sort of love for you. You obviously believe there is a heaven and that is good because you know your Mum is in a good place. My Gran was very religious and taught me that. Lets continue to put effort into making progress for my Gran and your Mum and grief counselling can help to do that. Lots of hugs Edward :hugs::hugs: and cheer up and think happy memories xx

[Edward_1980]

You will make it Annie. I know you will. You are so strong and believe that you will get through this. I can't even turn to my partner right now even though I am at emotional breakdown. I just feel I am bothering him so I am keeping it all inside with the occasion trembling and crying. I'm facing the computer screen so he doesn't see my tears. Days like this kill me because I obsess over everything. Did I do OK in the days between when she died and the funeral? Is she at peace knowing that I am this way? Does she want me to be with her so that we can do this together in the after life instead of me carrying on in life? If I tell Mark everything that I am feeling today he will bring me straight to a Doctor because I'm clearly not coping with my life at the moment. I'm crying and I'm angry and I can't cope with the feelings Annie. I feel like I'm breaking emotionally and honestly don't know what to do anymore. This is eating me up inside and I simply don't know if I am safe to be out of the hospital. I'm sorry for this and I know it's not positive, but it's how I've been feeling for the past two years. Every day struggling to get a grip on reality and my mind back two years ago with the shock of it all. Can this drive people crazy Annie?

[Annie0904]

Oh Edward, I wish I could make it all better for you. Don't think I am strong, I have had days just like you were I have felt like just ending it all but think realistically, I would hurt so many people here now and I know that would be the last thing my Grandmother would want and it will be the last thing your Mum would want. I would hate to think that if I died from whatever what that my son would consider taking his own life to be with me. You CAN get through this Edward but don't try to rush it, you are not going to get better overnight. Going for grief counselling will be your next step towards recovery and I know you can do it and we can help each other. I have my next counselling next Monday. I always seem to think of the negative and I am now trying so hard to be more positive and doing that is helping me to remember the happy memories, Yes I really miss my Gran more than anyone could ever know but I am going to beat this anxiety and be happy which is what she want me to do. If I decided to just end it all she would be waiting for me up there and I would get a right telling off for giving up!!! :hugs:

[Edward_1980]

I think I can understand what you are saying Annie. I know that if I were to harm myself or just end it all it would kill my Dad, my brother and Mark. I have to think of other people's feelings and not be selfish like I am being now. I seriously think a trip to the Doctor is on the cards. I need something to shut my brain down for a few hours so that I can have peace of mind. I'm sure he will give me Valium. I really need it. The shaking and crying is too much for me to handle right now. I even had a stupid though of digging my Mum's grave up, but what would that achieve? Today is just one of those days that I need a little help from my Doctor. Two panic attacks already today and working myself up to another one. I'm so drained Annie. I'm so sorry that you have experienced this also. I'm so happy that you didn't entertain the ideas of harming yourself.

[Annie0904]

I think a trip to your doctor is a good idea and you ask him about the counselling as you really need some support to get you through this. I know how awful it makes you feel, you are the important person at the moment and we need to concentrate on getting you well. See your doctor, get the counselling and tell yourself "I can get through this and I will get through this, I can be happy again" I will always be here for you if you need a chat as will the majority of people on this site :hugs:

[Granny Primark]

My mum passed away suddenly at home in 1984. She was my best friend. There was only me and my brother(whose over 7 years older than me)
I went upstairs and she was in bed and looked fast asleep. She had just had her 60th birthday.
She must have been cold when she went to bed and put an old cardigan on. I carried that cardigan around for months. It was my comfort blanket and its still in my wardrobe and if im stressed I go and get it out and give it a cuddle.
I also talk to her.
At the time she died me and me hubby were desperate for another baby and sure enuf after 10 years of wanting another child I found out I was pregnant! So she must have heard me to telling her to ask God for another baby for us. And 17 months later we had a little girl that we named after her. Emma.
Youl never get over losing your mum but I dont think you have lost her its just that you cant see her. Shes with you in spirit.:hugs:

[Edward_1980]

I think a trip to your doctor is a good idea and you ask him about the counselling as you really need some support to get you through this. I know how awful it makes you feel, you are the important person at the moment and we need to concentrate on getting you well. See your doctor, get the counselling and tell yourself "I can get through this and I will get through this, I can be happy again" I will always be here for you if you need a chat as will the majority of people on this site :hugs:

Thanks so much Annie. I think it could be passing. I took a Lyrica and right now I feel zoned out and numb. No more tears of shaking, but very depressed. Like a numb feeling where all the thoughts are there, but I'm just immune to them. I think I will ask the Doctor for a sleeping pill. Just one for tonight and get an early night. Well, bed at around midnight because I made a deal with someone to support them tonight and I am sticking to that promise. You are wonderful Annie. You have seen me through a very bad day and I am grateful for that. :hugs:

Granny Primark. I am so sorry for your loss. That must be very hard for you and I can relate in a way. I know she's with me in spirit. I just wish she was with me in person to see me through this time as she did all those times she was alive.:hugs:

[Annie0904]

Get some Bach rescue night spray from the chemists Edward, spray it in your mouth when you go to bed and it helps you sleep. I hope you have a better evening :hugs:

[Edward_1980]

Thanks Annie. Just used my rescue spray now. I have the Bach Rescue Spray. Is the night spray different or can I use that tonight as well?

[Annie0904]

You can use the one you have at night but the rescue night makes you more sleepy :)

[Edward_1980]

You can use the one you have at night but the rescue night makes you more sleepy :)

I'll buy that tonight at Holland and Barrett Annie. Thanks for today. Must go and get ready for the Doctor. You were great despite the fact that you are suffering too. Thank you soooo much :hugs::hugs:

[Annie0904]

Your'e welcome Edward :)

[Edward_1980]

I got a Zimovane 7.5mg Annie. That, along with my two sprays, should help me some bit tonight. I have also got the number of a Psychologist that I can ring and make an appointment to see. Her business cards were actually on the receptionist's desk and I happen to find it and bring it home with me. Thank god I could go into see the Doctor after five minutes because I wasn't in the fit state to be waiting in the waiting room. Hopefully now I can settle for the evening and then take my pill tonight :)

[Annie0904]

Pleased you have been able to see the doctor...hope you have a good evening :)

[Edward_1980]

You have a great evening too Annie :)