View Full Version : Intense feelings of sadness & loneliness
I've been feeling intensely sad & alone of late. I know its down to losing 2 life-long friends who meant so much to me. They also made me feel good about myself.
I was bullied by 2 of my 4 brothers throughout my childhood. They were very cruel. I struggle at nearly 50 to shake it off & thought I'd dealt with all of this during 3 years of therapy (that ended 6 years ago now).
My 2 bullying brothers both developed alcoholism & 1 of them died in February as a result. I thought I'd feel happy as he can no longer do me harm & triumphant that such a horrid person came to a sticky end. Instead it triggerd very powerful, negative emotions about myself.
As usual today, I found it hard to get out of bed but did muster the energy to get to work. Meanwhile I just keep feeling waves of intense loneliness & sadness. I've confided in my partner & some friends but still feel alone. It's the same even when I'm with the closest people to me, people I know who do care for me alot - I still feel alone.
I've been seeing a counsellor since May as well & just wish I didnt feel so bad.
I tried hard to avoid going back on Prozac & coping with these feelings but it's making me anxious; particularly in the morning. I've had to give in & feel so disappointed that this is a failure.
My partner doesnt help; Sometimes she gets moody & instead of telling me about it, she suddenly says things in a harsh manner. That upsets me. I know it's best to express how I feel but she gets incredibly defensive. Then I feel guilty and so the cycle of anxiety goes on.
I hope that Prozac will buy me time as anger is becoming a huge issue as I try to contain my feelings.
Sorry to hear you have gone through such a difficult time. Don't think that taking medication means you are a failure. You have been strong for a long time and are not a failure at all, quite the opposite. I hope the meds along with the counselling will help you through this. taking meds is not giving in...it is a step to getting well.
I'm sorry to hear your having such a difficult time. I have started on prozac, been taking for just 2 weeeks. The subject of partners and depression, I have been married for 30 years, he has never been sympathetic, nor very understanding. He says he does'nt understand, I have had bouts of depression over the years and he has never really been there for me, thats why this time I think I have fallen into a really dark place. His attitude has always been just get on with it, I feel I have been on my own every time. Like you I feel very lonely and sad at the moment.
thank you, annie. everyone says that taking prozac isnt a failure & i do try to listen but at first it always feels that way. i've taken it before & know it always helps but I want to make sure I deal with the underlying things too.
katie: I know what you mean; my partner can be understanding (when i'm upset).but then its as if their sensitive side ebbs away & a few days later we are back to square 1. we've been together 17 yrs & i do believe we are good together but i know what you mean about the dark place. A shame for you to feel very lonely and sad too.
Sparkle1984
11-10-12, 13:59
No no no, you are NOT a failure! On the contrary, its a sign of strength to accept help for depression. This illness is hard enough to deal with without feeling guilty for getting help! Don't burden yourself with such thoughts. Depression is not your fault! :hugs:
well, i am pleased to report i have had some relief since my hormones have calmed down. seemingly everything has been made 20 times worse by raging pmt; including anger turning to rage. Temptation is to stop prozac but this helps with everything and i think i must carry on with it. i know from past experience it takes a few weeks so hopefully things will stay calmer til then....
Hallo Katie
Do hope you are feeling better very soon, people
dont always understand unless, they have
experienced the same feelings, which of course
makes you feel lonely.
Thank you SarahKay... I have always felt alone, but this time I will get thro it...... I know its gonna be difficult, cos these side effect are horrid, but I will do it. Thanks again.
Hi Tessar and Katie22
It is so awful to feel sad and alone- it is soul destroying isn't it hun?
I have been through these times as well and I want you to know you're not alone I am sending you big hugs.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:
It is good you're going to see a counsellor and taking Prozac- these are positive steps to getting better, and you will get better.
I'll be thinking of you
Thank you Bluebelle; I am trying to absorb your kind words now. Had a session with my counsellor this a.m so I feel rather raw at the moment. I'm not very good at showing emotion so this contributes to feeling alone. I've been tasked with trying to open up a bit with reliable friends/colleagues. Will give this a go & hopefully it will help. I know it's only 10 days now but I've been hoping the prozac's going to make a difference soon. My parents are visiting this weekend; they always stress me out so I've booked another counselling session next week as a sort of de-brief. Hopefully this will help me keep things in perspective....meanwhile anyone else out there who is feeling down or lonely; I am thinking of you!
what i'd like to know is.... having been through lots of CBT, got better but then fallen back into depression, why am i able to give out loads of sound advice to everyone else but i cant follow the simplest of suggestions myself?
Yesterday my counsellor seemed quite frustrated with me; i havent really given a clear idea of what i want from counselling (we are about 20 sessions down the line now). i think today i'm just reacting to what i interpreted as her frustration.... but being pushed really hard for answers (and getting the impression she thinks i should try harder to put things right) made me go blank.
i didnt sleep particularly well last night; today i do feel anxious; not helped by prozac i think which is making me worse (some 10 days in i think it is).
at work at the moment wondering if anyone will notice my rather zombie like state. probably not because i spend alot of time hoping people will notice i dont feel right or that i am bothered by stuff. of course i do a wonderous job of hiding my emotions so that perpetuates the whole situation.
today i'm full of self-loathing & feel very negative about life generally. all because my parents are here for a few days. they arent even staying with me (they're at my brothers locally) but are negative, energy sucking leeches. they dont make any effort to be interested in me, but instead seem to enjoy being negative. my father sits there resigned to nothingness in life; my mother, who is now losing her marbles though old age, is so angry all the time. all brings back bad memories of childhood (4 brothers, 2 of whom bullied me & were abusive). one brother died of alcoholism & tho this was obviously why he died, my parents wont face it. instead, despite his bullying of me, that no-one would admit, i'm supposed to say nice things about him. cant wait for my parents to go back home. only have to put up with them 1 more day. sorry for such a rant but they make me feel so hideous about myself. plus at about 12 days into taking prozac my emotions are all over the place.
Hi Tessar,
Don't be full of self-loathing -that's just sucking your own life out of yourself.
I had an older brother who bullied me terribly when I was young, with physical and verbal abuse. He also died of an alcohol-related illness four years ago. I couldn't bring myself to give a eulogy at his funeral. Fortunately, there were people who had only met him in recent years who did that. I just kept quiet. It's my secret.
My other secret is that I have survived. You're a survivor, too. It's a source of positive energy you can use against the self-loathing and negative feelings.
Take care.
Hanshan
I know exactly what you mean about feeling that it is somehow a failure to go back on meds, I reluctantly went back on citalopram last week after about 5 years and have been wrestling with my descision, maybe we just have to give ourselves a break and accept what others are saying. That sometimes we may need a bit of support, be it in the form of medication, counselling, CBT, diet , excercise or probably a combination.
I hope you feel real better real soon, hugs and best wishes, Stephen:)
Thank you both for your kind replies. You're right that self-loathing sucks the life out of you. Hanshan, how spooky that your brother died in a similar way. I feel gladyou didnt do his eulogy; at my brother's funeral, when there's the bit you're meant to have a quiet word before they "go", i just had a blank mind but i feel much hatred. that isnt good for me i know. must be hard for you not talking about it. What you say about being a survivor & that i'm a survivor, i've never realised that. never would have even thought it.
seeing my parents this weekend makes me realise what a negative effect they've had on me. my mother is now suffering dementia. its horrible. i always wanted her to love me but for some reason she seemed to prefer my brothers. she idolises the one who died. over the last few years i've limited how much i see of my parents; i can see why so clearly every time we speak or meet. ridiculous tho it may seem, i still feel guilty about limiting our time together.
tomorrow i see my counsellor; i just so badly need to talk about this & get it out of me. at least she makes me see that reflecting on all this stuff isnt self-pity, it's a necessary process to healing myself. being that survivor i guess.
Also thank you stephen re: meds. saw mr Dr yesterday & he thinks its the right thing to do. i find winter quite hard so it's a time of year thing as well. you're right, we just have to give ourselves a break and accept what others are saying. i just find that really hard as my father in particular always banged on about how it's a weakness. you'd think by now i'd spot that he was so wrong. again it's something i'm working on.
seen my counsellor this a.m and actually managed to confide in her about my self-loathing feelings. apparently the way i come across while speaking with her does not mirror how i feel inside. it is sometimes like i have this "thing" living inside me; this dark horrible thing that i'd like to irradicate. hard tho it is the only way to do that is writing about it to get rid or talking in sessions. i am really sick of feeling this way but do hope there'll be light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. waiting for the prozac to make a difference too; hopefully soon & then if i keep working at it i can finally shake off the past.
Sparkle1984
24-10-12, 13:34
Re your father saying its a weakness: I think there is still stigma amongst the older generation, as they grew up in a time when anxiety and depression were considered taboo subjects. I've generally found younger people (eg my sisters and friends) to be more understanding. So try not to take what your father says too personally.
Hi Tessar,
Is this dark and horrible thing inside you just a tiny, frightened child who was told they were dark and horrible?
As always, take care,
Hanshan
i think Hanshan you are probably right that the dark and horrible thing inside me is a tiny, frightened child who was told they were dark and horrible. if i hear people talk about "little girl" pretty much in any context, it makes me feel sad and tearful. i did think after my brother died that it's time to let her (the little girl) out. maybe now is the time. next counselling session i think i'll take a pic of when i was 5. that's when i first remember the nastiness beginning. maybe we can work on remodelling my feelings about that little girl so its not scary any more.
thats amazing, sparkle, that you picked up on my father being form the older generation. he dismisses depression as a "state of mind". which of course it is but he thinks you can just snap your fingers & it goes away. I will take on board what you've said. also u r rite about younger people being more understanding. i have a cousin whose been amazing. so that's again where maybe i need to be focusing instead of on the negatives.
Hi Tessar,
Good luck with letting the little girl take a walk in the sunshine.
Hanshan
i feel sure i'm closer to letting her out. I've been doing homework which is helping me see how, as a child, i was treated in a cruel, unfair way and the damage its done. i am beginning to understand this from a child's point of view (instead of looking at it as an adult delving into the past).
now i realise this is why my inner child is shrouded in a horrible dark shell. if i keep working through many hurts caused by my family (represented by the shell) the layers can come off and she can be free.
Hi there ive just been reading your posts and really identify with you and wanted to wish you well and i hope one day you can remove this darkness within you. i am on the same journey and its not an easy one at all. Sometimes i feel it will take forever.But we must always have hope:)
xxx
Alihud, thank you - it's good to know that someone can actually identify with me. not that i'd want someone to be in that situation because i know it doesnt feel great. but i also wish you well too because you are right, it is a journey. Definitely not an easy one but easier for knowing there are people out there who can feel empathy. I also feel it will take forever but you are right about always having hope
Still working childhood on issues.... difficult times ... feeling sad .... been doing lots of writing to try & help get it out of my system; It isnt easy but does seem to help unpick things. Current stuff still triggers past feelings, especially at the moment as I'm trying to deal with it all. I find myself reacting as if I were a 5 year old (instead of a 40-something). As an example....
.....I have a lovely boss who makes me feel valued. Their dog died a few weeks ago & they asked me not to talk about it as it was too upsetting. This week, as some time had passed & I had a moment alone with them I thought I'd mention how sad it was & that I feel for them. But they got upset; I didnt realise it was still so painful & this made me feel really bad. I know I'm a kind, compassionate person but it upset me too; I apologised & made a quick getaway.
I promised myself I wasnt going to ruminate but of course I found myself thinking "I'm a bad person", "they think I'm horrible", "why did that stupid girl mention it when she knows I dont want to talk about it". The result is that now I feel like my boss hates me. Logically, I know they dont, in fact they've been just as friendly as ever, still saying kind things to me (which I feel I dont deserve). I wish I could stop this way of negative thinking as it stands in the way of feeling like an ok person.
I know its a carry over from childhood. I felt the same when I used to try & make my mother feel better; I stood up for her when my brothers were nasty but she'd throw it back in my face because it came across as me interfering.
I know I'm not really bad but still have this feeling inside that I am. I'm sure this is down to horrible things I endured when I was little. I just need to keep my head above water til next week when I see my counsellor. It's been a hard time as she's been away but I'm hanging in there. I want to get it all the bad feelings out of my system before it eats away at me any more.
When we feel sadness or loneliness, that is a warning sign to us that something is very wrong with our relationship
When we feel sadness or loneliness, that is a warning sign to us that something is very wrong with our relationship
I'm curious if you mean our relationship with ourselves (as perceived in our head/mind) as opposed to our relationships with other (real) people?
I'm sorry to hear your having such a difficult time. I have started on prozac, been taking for just 2 weeeks. The subject of partners and depression, I have been married for 30 years, he has never been sympathetic, nor very understanding. He says he does'nt understand, I have had bouts of depression over the years and he has never really been there for me, thats why this time I think I have fallen into a really dark place. His attitude has always been just get on with it, I feel I have been on my own every time. Like you I feel very lonely and sad at the moment.
Katie, this is an old post thread from a while back & something made me go back to it,. I just happened to be wondering how you are....if you've had any improvement at all?
Ive been on prozac for 28 days, it has been difficult but I feel it will be worth it in time. I felt so alone when I first had signs of anxiety, to be honest I tried to ignore it as much as poss because I felt ashamed and weak that I let it get to me again. I carried on, I told no one, the first person I told was my boyfriend after 7 months when my p/a s became unhideable. so I went to drs and got meds and time off. I wish I didnt hide it, but I couldnt help it and I felt very isolated from my life, like I was living a lie, and it slowly and gradually got on top of me. Still havent told my mother! Much love to u all xxxx
Ahhhh Whiskey...... It is very hard to talk about this sort of thing but I am very glad you have managed to confide in your boyfriend. Things can get better. From when I first posted in this thread til now, I have come a long way. I had such a good network of friends around me and I was not really alone t all but I felt that way.
I felt such a desperate need to share but didn't feel there was anyone I could share with. Luckily I was seeing a counsellor, I still am. That has made such a difference. I did CBT several years ago and that changed my life so much for the better. I always recommend it to people.
Also I have found that NMP has made me feel heard. People here listen to what you are saying . Nobody judges you and you are free to say it how it is. That is invaluable, as indeed is the feeling that support is there when you really need it.
I dealt with strong feelings of shame and I can see now that there is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of for feeling as we do. I recall when first going back on fluoxetine, I felt I had failed. But people here pointed out to me it wasn't a failing. I believe them because they are right.
I hope your meds do the trick because they really do help me. And thank you for your kind wishes.
Oh, I nearly forgot, I don't know how you get on with your mum, but hopefully when you feel ready, you will confide in her. My parents were a bit stumped when they found out i was seeing a therapist (that was a few years ago now). i think it scared them...but then they arent very good with things like that anyway
If you have a close relationship then I am sure your mum will be supportive. Obviously you know best on that score and I feel you will know when the time is right. If you want to mention it then by all means do, but if you felt it would be too awkward, it isn't actually necessary.
Byeeee for now. xXx
Hey tessar,
Yes im close to my mum but we live 3hrs apart and she will only worry if I tell her. Im getting on very well now so I dont think there is any need to tell her, she would flip and come and get me immediately!!
It is difficult to confide, but sooo much better if you do. Ive told all my work mates so when I return I have no doubt they will be supportive.
I try not to, but I am disappointed with myself for anxiety getting to me again.
Thankyou for your kind words, I appreciate them and wish you good health and happiness xxxxxxx
Whiskey; thats really good that u r close to mum. its difficult like you say, with her living 3hrs away.
you're right about it being difficult to confide, but I also much better if I do. It's great that u have told your workmates & also must be reassuring for you that they will be supportive.
It takes courage to share like that, you've done really well. Often that is one of the hardest parts but it makes it easier on both sides since as they know, its easier for them to check how you are and to mention the subject without worrying
Really, dont be disappointed with yourself..... anxiety has a habit of coming & going but gradually you get there. if you have off days, remember that happens to all of us & even someone like me who has had cbt can still get caught up when life throws things at me. its human nature & part of life i suppose.
Thanku for your kind wishes & in return I also wish you good health and happiness too xXx
tessar katie annie.
hello all of you. I think I am having a bad day but at least I am not
alone.
I do feel for you . blessings for you winging your way.
I am on floxetine but doc gave me some diazapan last week have not taken them as i dont want to get used to all these pills. but think I may have one now having read on this forum best of luck hopey
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