Admitting GAD, this is hard

[Bird2006]

Hi, I hope this is ok to pour everything out here, I'm not even sure this will make sense but I need to get it all out here tonight.

I had my first panic attack aged 14 at school sports day, I seriously thought I was going to die. We all had to participate in an event, but I could just feel everything closing in on me. Eventually I got taken to hospital, they said it was a panic attack. I went on to start having intermittent panic attacks at school, which were mainly hyperventilation and tingly fingers, racing thoughts and palpitations. Even in hindsight I feel like I was making them happen, it was like a switch and then I couldn't stop it. I also used to walk around town and feel floaty. I went on to have such terrible anxiety about school that I couldn't go any more. I had some brief (not evry good) counselling, but eventually went on to college.

I'm now 32 and experiencing a bad phase again. I'm just starting to come to terms with the fact that I never really got over my anxiety, I've been in absolute denial. I haven't been able to go to parties without alcohol and if i am honest with myself I have used alcohol to control my anxiety frequently during my adult life. I have experienced thoughts that I can't get rid of, at one point I was really worried that I must have HIV, or thoughts that I am a terrible person who is capable of committing a crime. After I had my daughter I was convinced that I would do something horrendously wrong. I was very anxious after she was born, but no one noticed. This is probably because I am so well practised at hiding it now, I haven't shared it with anyone.

As I type that I worry that you will all think it can't be that bad if I can hide it, but it feels awful, like a constant dialogue. I wake up to the dialogue, in the middle of the night or in the morning.

More recently I have started a strange ritual, when I am out on my own and I start to feel anxious I tap each of my fingers with my thumb on my right hand whilst counting 1-2-3-4. I don't even know why and again, it feels like I am making myself do this. I've just accessed some short term confidential counselling through a work scheme and the counsellor suggested that I see the GP, but I'm pertrified of doing that because then it would be real. I sometimes think that the only way I am ever going to be free of this is to not be here, although I would never act on that.

I don't know what I expect back from this post, but I just want someone to hear it.

[fozzy is crying]

:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[Annie0904]

Hi :welcome: I hope you find help and support here. The tapping thing...Do you think you do it as a distraction from the anxiety? I often find myself tapping the tops of my arms and I know I do it because if I concentrate on the tapping it helps to distract me from the anxiety.

[Bird2006]

Thank you for the replies. I think the tapping thing just helps, I suppose it is a distraction of sorts, but it also helps me to feel better.

[Stormsky]

hi,
Anxiety is scary, literally, its fears that keep it alive....
Its good you are going to have some counselling, and dont be ashamed to see GP, youve already admitted you have anxiety here in this post, and 1 in 4 of GPs patients is anxiety related these days, so nothing you tell tell them will be new to them... You dont have to go the medication route, you can try lifestyle changes, exercise , diet, etc...
I would say that alcohol isnt a good mix with anxiety, it makes it worse in the long run...
Intrusive thoughts and rituals are more OCD, but anxiety causes alot of them in the first place.... dont be afraid of the thoughts, the more you fear them and try to push they away, the more they come... just tell them, your not interested in them, that they are false... if you dont fear them, theyll eventually go away....
remember they are just thoughts, not actions....no one with anxiety has acted out these thoughts.... if you were the type of person that would hurt someone or commit a crime, then the thoughts wouldnt scare you... these thoughts are usually the complete opposite of who we are, which is why they effect us so much...
Good luck, admitting you need some help is half the battle

[Pipkin]

A warm :welcome: to you!

That's a really honest post that I think a lot of us can relate to at some point in our lives. As Stormsky says, there's nothing wrong with discussing this with your GP. In fact, I think you'd get some comfort from it, and definitely some guidance as to the best way to tackle the problem. People always assume that doctors are there only to hand out prescriptions. Whilst medication can be a lifesaver for some people, they're not for everyone and there are many other things you can do.

GPs are very practised at working with patients and listening to what they want and it's rarely a matter of being told what to do. I find mine genuinely listens and guides me to what's best for me, which is different for everyone.

Take care and keep coming on here - we're all in very similar situations at the end of the day and I know you'll find it comforting to see you're not on your own.

Pip xxx