Eclipse
07-08-06, 04:17
Ok,
Think I'm 'blubbing' in the right place.......read a post on 'Misc' a while ago which was along similar lines so hope it is!
It's taken a few vodka's to get this far and I know it's going to be a ramble which I apologise for in advance!! I also want to apologise in advance for going into too much detail thus possibly upsetting/offending anyone.
Today is the anniversary (if that's the appropriate word) of my Dad's death.
That'll put people off to start with I'm sure but I'm not after anything other than to get it off my chest.
I ADORED him - he was everything that was kind & wise in my life - he always knew what to say, how to fix things, how to listen without judgement, how to advise without being patronising and how to pick me up when I felt worthless.
I'd like to think I take after him but there are traits he had that I couldn't even hope to achieve.
It's been 11 years to the day (also a Monday) that I got the phone call from my son - who was 10 at the time and staying with my mum & dad 15 miles away from where I lived then - who shouted down the phone "Something's wrong with Grandad, he's outside.......I think he's dying"
I panicked somewhat but didn't know whether my son was over reacting so told him not to worry, I'd get a cab as soon as possible (I don't drive)
I lived with someone (who ran a pub) at that time and rushed over to tell him I had to get out to my parents house there & then. He was playing in a Home darts match that night and said that if I'd wait til he'd thrown, he'd come with me.
At sixes & sevens - mind whirling & telling myself it had to be a false alarm - I went back to wait at the bar.
You can't believe how much I regret this now - even though it was only about five minutes of waiting - it seemed like hours. If only I'd been more assertive & independent.
We got a cab pretty soon after but about five miles from my parents house, an ambulance overtook us with sirens and blue lights going.
When we rounded the corner to the stretch of road they lived on, there it was outside their drive - despite all my prayers that it had been a coincidence.
It was the first time in my life that I've jumped out of a moving vehicle and I raced up the driveway as fast as I could. I got there just in time to hear one of the paramedics say to my mum that he was very sorry but Dad had gone and there was nothing they could do.
My Dad, the man who meant the world to me, was slumped in a sitting position opposite the front porch. Vulnerable & stripped of the dignity that he so deserved.
All I really remember then is screaming for him in pain cos I'd let him down and my mum shouting at me to be quiet. I love her but I've never forgiven her for that. He was my Dad and I loved him so much.
I think the final straw that night was when - after my sister & I (who hadn't spoken for a week or so after arguing) had clung to each other united in grief & understandably sobbing - my then boyfriend, said "I suppose that's you and me finished then?"
It's got to be the most insensitive thing I've ever heard in my life! (& yes, how perceptive of him!!)
The paramedics & local Doctor in attendance were very kind, understanding & respectful and 'put my Dad to bed' to allow us to say goodbye to him properly.
Almost every day that's passed since 7th August '95, I've told Dad that I love him and that I'm so sorry I wasn't there for him.
I carry the guilt that my son was there to witness it all at such a young age - they were so close it must have ripped him apart - although he now says he doesn't remember a lot about that night (thankfully) but still talks so fondly of his Grandad even at 21.
I'm so sorry to ramble on and like I said, I'm writing this just to get it off my chest and to try to believe that my dad does understand & knows just how much he meant to me.
I know there are countless numbers of you out there who will know how painful it is to lose someone so dear and my heart truly goes out to each & every one of you.
Thanks for letting me v
Think I'm 'blubbing' in the right place.......read a post on 'Misc' a while ago which was along similar lines so hope it is!
It's taken a few vodka's to get this far and I know it's going to be a ramble which I apologise for in advance!! I also want to apologise in advance for going into too much detail thus possibly upsetting/offending anyone.
Today is the anniversary (if that's the appropriate word) of my Dad's death.
That'll put people off to start with I'm sure but I'm not after anything other than to get it off my chest.
I ADORED him - he was everything that was kind & wise in my life - he always knew what to say, how to fix things, how to listen without judgement, how to advise without being patronising and how to pick me up when I felt worthless.
I'd like to think I take after him but there are traits he had that I couldn't even hope to achieve.
It's been 11 years to the day (also a Monday) that I got the phone call from my son - who was 10 at the time and staying with my mum & dad 15 miles away from where I lived then - who shouted down the phone "Something's wrong with Grandad, he's outside.......I think he's dying"
I panicked somewhat but didn't know whether my son was over reacting so told him not to worry, I'd get a cab as soon as possible (I don't drive)
I lived with someone (who ran a pub) at that time and rushed over to tell him I had to get out to my parents house there & then. He was playing in a Home darts match that night and said that if I'd wait til he'd thrown, he'd come with me.
At sixes & sevens - mind whirling & telling myself it had to be a false alarm - I went back to wait at the bar.
You can't believe how much I regret this now - even though it was only about five minutes of waiting - it seemed like hours. If only I'd been more assertive & independent.
We got a cab pretty soon after but about five miles from my parents house, an ambulance overtook us with sirens and blue lights going.
When we rounded the corner to the stretch of road they lived on, there it was outside their drive - despite all my prayers that it had been a coincidence.
It was the first time in my life that I've jumped out of a moving vehicle and I raced up the driveway as fast as I could. I got there just in time to hear one of the paramedics say to my mum that he was very sorry but Dad had gone and there was nothing they could do.
My Dad, the man who meant the world to me, was slumped in a sitting position opposite the front porch. Vulnerable & stripped of the dignity that he so deserved.
All I really remember then is screaming for him in pain cos I'd let him down and my mum shouting at me to be quiet. I love her but I've never forgiven her for that. He was my Dad and I loved him so much.
I think the final straw that night was when - after my sister & I (who hadn't spoken for a week or so after arguing) had clung to each other united in grief & understandably sobbing - my then boyfriend, said "I suppose that's you and me finished then?"
It's got to be the most insensitive thing I've ever heard in my life! (& yes, how perceptive of him!!)
The paramedics & local Doctor in attendance were very kind, understanding & respectful and 'put my Dad to bed' to allow us to say goodbye to him properly.
Almost every day that's passed since 7th August '95, I've told Dad that I love him and that I'm so sorry I wasn't there for him.
I carry the guilt that my son was there to witness it all at such a young age - they were so close it must have ripped him apart - although he now says he doesn't remember a lot about that night (thankfully) but still talks so fondly of his Grandad even at 21.
I'm so sorry to ramble on and like I said, I'm writing this just to get it off my chest and to try to believe that my dad does understand & knows just how much he meant to me.
I know there are countless numbers of you out there who will know how painful it is to lose someone so dear and my heart truly goes out to each & every one of you.
Thanks for letting me v