Makara
09-10-12, 08:51
I signed up for this site years ago, but I don't think I really did much here. Lately this sort of thing has been on my mind even more than it used to be though.
I get anxious a lot, but I don't know if I really have a disorder or if it's just a combination of little things that make it seem a lot worse than it is. I really don't like going out, sometimes I'm okay when I'm outside but other times it feels like everyone is looking at me and making fun of me. Generally I don't enjoy going out because I don't want anyone to see me. It used to be that I wouldn't go out anywhere without anyone, but sometimes if I'm in the right frame of mind I can face up to it.
I enrolled in college a few weeks ago, and for the first couple of weeks I was feeling really confident. Probably the most confident I've ever felt. I made a ton of new friends within a couple of days, and I actually took charge and lead people for a change. Apparently my teachers noticed too, because I was even elected for the student voice panel. But then at the end of the week something changed, I said goodbye and said I'd see everyone next week, then never went back.
And now I'm getting all these phone calls and it's tearing me apart because I want to be at college, I want to do this and advance and build a career, but it feels like the second I go outside the world's going to come crashing down on me. This isn't the first time this has happened to me, I'm just so sick of putting all this effort into things and then snapping out of it halfway through. I don't even know if it's got anything to do with anxiety, I'm wondering if it's just my personality that's at fault here, if I'm just getting lazier as I get older or something. The anxiety goes away if I don't talk about it, or if I avoid the things I don't like, so I feel really normal and happy when I'm inside. I talk to my friends long distance and some days I honestly forget that I've ever had any problems. As long as no one talks about it, I could probably go for months and months without feeling bad about never going outside. Except for the fact that it makes me gain weight like crazy.
I don't have panic attacks as often as I used to so it feels like I'm getting better, but then seemingly nothing throws me off and I'm just sitting here wondering what's wrong with me. Whenever I'm with friends I just get this huge confidence boost, but I can't bring it out on my own. I live so far away from everyone I know, I can't work up the courage to do anything anymore.
I have a doctor's appointment later today. My parents want me to take medication because this has been going on for so long, ever since I was in primary school. I'm really not happy about taking any kind of drugs, I barely even take paracetamol, but I don't want to go through this cycle anymore. I'm just so sick of it all, but I'm sure you all know that feeling. :\
I get anxious a lot, but I don't know if I really have a disorder or if it's just a combination of little things that make it seem a lot worse than it is. I really don't like going out, sometimes I'm okay when I'm outside but other times it feels like everyone is looking at me and making fun of me. Generally I don't enjoy going out because I don't want anyone to see me. It used to be that I wouldn't go out anywhere without anyone, but sometimes if I'm in the right frame of mind I can face up to it.
I enrolled in college a few weeks ago, and for the first couple of weeks I was feeling really confident. Probably the most confident I've ever felt. I made a ton of new friends within a couple of days, and I actually took charge and lead people for a change. Apparently my teachers noticed too, because I was even elected for the student voice panel. But then at the end of the week something changed, I said goodbye and said I'd see everyone next week, then never went back.
And now I'm getting all these phone calls and it's tearing me apart because I want to be at college, I want to do this and advance and build a career, but it feels like the second I go outside the world's going to come crashing down on me. This isn't the first time this has happened to me, I'm just so sick of putting all this effort into things and then snapping out of it halfway through. I don't even know if it's got anything to do with anxiety, I'm wondering if it's just my personality that's at fault here, if I'm just getting lazier as I get older or something. The anxiety goes away if I don't talk about it, or if I avoid the things I don't like, so I feel really normal and happy when I'm inside. I talk to my friends long distance and some days I honestly forget that I've ever had any problems. As long as no one talks about it, I could probably go for months and months without feeling bad about never going outside. Except for the fact that it makes me gain weight like crazy.
I don't have panic attacks as often as I used to so it feels like I'm getting better, but then seemingly nothing throws me off and I'm just sitting here wondering what's wrong with me. Whenever I'm with friends I just get this huge confidence boost, but I can't bring it out on my own. I live so far away from everyone I know, I can't work up the courage to do anything anymore.
I have a doctor's appointment later today. My parents want me to take medication because this has been going on for so long, ever since I was in primary school. I'm really not happy about taking any kind of drugs, I barely even take paracetamol, but I don't want to go through this cycle anymore. I'm just so sick of it all, but I'm sure you all know that feeling. :\