Ready to fight this, but I need help

[Ferry1995]

I've suffered from general anxiety for 4 years, health anxiety for 6 months, and about a month ago I had a very bad psychotic episode which triggered a very very bad spell of anxiety in which I went to A+E 3 times in a week, it was brought to a head when I was sitting in a waiting room crying for 3 hours straight, the only thing that kept me going was that I needed to see my parents one last time before I went mad/died/lost myself, after that things started to improve, perhaps because they'd just got too bad, I mean, I had myself a suicide note written, very unlike me, as i'm a staunch believer that every day is a gift and we should make the most of it, as this is the only life we get.

It took a trip to my shrink and a lot of talking to realise I hadn't been well for a long long time, I've been suffering anxiety since I was 8, and bad anxiety since I was 13, ( I'm 17 now ) and I guess I didn't even realise, I just thought humans were supposed to live like this ( I was upset 90% of the time about something or other ) but anyway, about 6 months ago I got a really bad spell of health anxiety, which really affected my quality of life, I struggled on and started myself on some clompiramine, which didn't help, and I really didn't want to up the dose, so I thought i'd face it without meds. 2 weeks after I came off it, I had a random psychotic episode, no trigger, I had honestly begun to feel better too. this last month has been a struggle, I'm finding holding on difficult, the general anxiety is bad, the health anxiety is bad, I keep forgetting things, I can't focus, I just can't really hold myself together, sometimes I just want to bury my head in the ground, I don't know how to cope.

However, I'm ready to face this, I know that to live a good life, I need to fight for it, I need to know I won't lose my mind, I can distract myself in the short term, but In the long term it just feels like an onslaught, I am adamant not to go back to medication. I want to know what works for everyone, I've just started a 20 week CBT course and have myself a CBT self help book, I'm not sure what else I can do, what does everyone reccomend to get me better quicker, I am 110% dedicated to getting better, and I want it to happen ASAP, I know it's not an easy fight, but i'm ready to start the journey.

I've got a job, a college course, some friends, a band, everything I could ask for, but the anxiety is swallowing up everything.

Is the forgetfulness normal, is it normal to feel just dazed, confused, spaced out all of the time, has anyone experienced all this? occasional blurred vision, shortness of breath, headaches too, are these common symptoms?

Thanks for listening guys.

[Stormsky]

Firstly you won't go crazy, nearly all Anx sufferers believe they're losing it at some time or another...
Anx takes a toll on memory, so that's normal to forget stuff..
Lifestyle changes, exercise, diet, lots of water..these are all important for natural feel good hormones...

[Ferry1995]

That being said i've been eating/drinking so much recently, I've put on 4 pounds over the last 2 weeks just from overeating, I do quite a bit of excersise nowdays, try to get to the gym every day

[Harley]

Hi Ferry, I can relate to so many of the symptoms you are suffering, I had all of them and more. I too felt that I had everything in life to live for so couldnt understand why I was feeling so bad. I think you will find the therapy helpful. I found that a combination of drugs and therapy helped. After trying various SSRIs I was prescribed the drug you mention. Because I suffered so badly from intrusive thoughts I had to take a very high dose but suffered very few side effects. I had to stay on this drugs for a considerable amount of time. Eventually I choose to very slowly come off it. I have been well now for more than five years. My advice would be to try and find out as much as you can about anxiety. In my experience once you understand how anxiety works it takes the fear away and you are able to accept more easily and acceptance is the key.

[Ferry1995]

Thanks for your response, had a bit of a rough day today, I've kinda worked out that half my problem is that I don't know what the problem is, I just feel low, stressed,hopeless, confused, forgetful, etc, everything just seems to give off negative vibes, I don't really feel safe when I'm alone these days.

Got very stressed out this morning, woke up not knowing where I was, had some breakfast, got myself gradually more and more worked up as the day went on, felt a bit better for having a shower, got myself cleaned up, had a shave for the first time in a few weeks, etc, decided mabye a slight jog around the block might help things, got very angry and worked up and ended up running 6 miles! felt exhausted afterwards as well as spaced out and tired, had to have a cigarette but that didn't really help, my friend came over on the afternoon, we had a good discussion about music, as we're starting a band up, but as soon as he went my mood's dipping again, I've seen some people speak about this paid CBT course online, has anyone got any experience of this?

I am adamant I won't touch another med.

[Laura123]

hi ferry, i am sorry that you are having such a rough time just now but please believe that if you are committed then you will get better! I have suffered anxiety and panic since i was a kid too and it is really rough, no point pretending it isnt, i think you have to learn to accept that this is your make up, its part of who you are and you can learn to deal with it. I tried CBT last year and yes it made a huge difference and helped me alot at the time but my gad has come back and has been quite bad, like you i was adamant i wasnt taking meds but decided thsi time, what the hell, i will do anything to feel better. I am on day 10 of sertraline 50mg and you know what, i do actually feel alot better, the medication road is a personal choice and only you can decide if it is right for you, what i would say though is that with anxiety, a closed mind is unhelpful for recovery, i dont think it matters how you get better, so long as you get better! I hope you will find this forum as supporting as i have, everyone here really understands. Do you have people who you can talk to about all this? x

[Ferry1995]

Thanks for the reply, I am 100% committed, I just want my life back, whatever it takes, my psychiatrist says they really don't want to put me back on meds before I have a proper try of the CBT, Do you have any techniques that help make the day more manageable? like, to counter the spaced out feeling, the confusion, etc... Yeah, I have my parents who are extremely supportive, they've helped me through everything and unfortunately me being the way I am, I'm pretty difficult to live with so this in turn has triggered my dad's depression so my mam has to put up with us both now, but she's extremely supportive, as is my dad, both have complete confidence that I will get better.