View Full Version : Disturbing on waking!!!
So I began 10mg of Cit 2nd sep and am now day 4 20mg. I struggled to get to sleep last night and just felt "weird" and after a disturbed sleep night I woke at 7am to a pitch black room and I could hear,not see and just felt this overwhelming blackness. I didn't know where I was,who I was and adrenaline had kicked in before these thoughts and I was just in that second wanting to die. It felt like oblivion...nothingness and it was absolutely terrifying. So hard to describe but I keep getting this doom. I don't know whther it's the cit or me or what. I googled "disturbing thoughts on cit" and they are all the kind where people keep imagining crashing their car or hurting someone etc. Nothing anywhere seems to relate to the kind of experiences I am having. It has put me in this weird frame of mind for the day and I just feel numb. I really have never experienced anything so disturbing and awful.
Is this the Cit?
I just logged on to my laptop and was about to post about traumatic waking up and there it was, your post at the top of the threads! I don't take cit, so it is just pure anxiety with me. I woke up terrified and thought I can't cope with life any more I just want to die!I wake even more exhausted than I felt before I went to sleep. I didn't have a good day yesterday and my stomach is already churning. Feeling really scared. Going to get up and make myself a drink and hope the day will get better for both of us, I just want to cry at the moment :hugs:
AWWW Annie!! Me too!! So nice to know that we are together in feeling this awfulness. I am on youtube trying to distract and get some normality in my mind. It's strange because part of me just wants to sleep to stop all the thoughts but now even that is a disturbing place!! How did you feel on waking? xx
The second I wake up it is just sheer panic, I try to go back to sleep but I just keep feeling worse, it is just a really feeling of panic and life has no meaning to me, I just don't want to be in this place any more. The world feels such a horrible dark place and I just can't cope any more..it is all so scary. My cousin has been sending me drawings on the phone so I am trying to distract myself guessing those but today I just can't see and end to it. I have a doctors appointment at 4 and I am scared he will say I have to go back to work then I am worried what work will say if I send in another sick note..grrrrr Why do I have to worry so much. xx
This is exactly my feelings today. I have opened all curtains. music on,tv on. You honestly aren't alone this morning with this! Must be one of those days. You know it won't last and that is all just the anxiety making you feel this way. As the day gets into swing it will calm down. I just feel like I have only just woke yet it was an hour and a half ago!! I think it's because it's getting so dark these days too! I am going to change my blackout curtains for some white ones today so that the light comes in naturally. I think not seeing anything on waking heightened all the other senses for me today making it all the more disturbing. It's like when you wake in the middle of the night kind of feeling. Extra anxious! I am hoping it's just my new dose of cit. I am also worried about work now as my money has came down to sickpay. I know it is soon going to prove a big problem but I just don't feel ready to return yet. Maybe once we have returned to work. We wouldn't dwell so much in the mornings as we would be rushing to get ready/distracted? xx
I just think that while I am waking like this on a morning, I know I am not well enough yet to go back to work. Just thinking about getting up and having to drive to work would make me even worse. I just wish I could wake up on a morning and feel happy and look forward to the day ahead. I have black out blinds on my windows, maybe I shouldn't close them in the winter. xx
I know waht you mean...If I could have just a week of consistent normality then that is all it would take just to start feeling normal. Sick of everyday being like russian roulette but with anxiety being the higher stake lol. I have been up for 2 hours now and still haven't got out of bed. Still feel very spaced out. Going to have a bath and food etc to see if that wakes me up abit x
Me too, I'm still in bed but have been down to make a cup of tea and bowl of cereal. Running the bath now with Epsom salts and lavender. The builder knocked on the door and I answered in my pj's. He said "how big do you want the door step?" I don't know! I just said "whatever you think...big enough for me not to fall off it since I am so accident prone! I fell off the last one a few years ago and sprained my ankle!
Hi Loopy and Annie, I read your post and can totally understand where you are both coming from. I dont know if you have read my story, but throughout the whole ten years that I suffered, waking in the mornings was always the worst experience for me. It seemed that whatever horrible frightening thought popped into my head, that stayed with me for the rest of the day. Getting out of bed seemed the hardest thing to do. I had kids to get to school, so most days I had to force myself, but any opportunity I had to stay in bed I would. Sadly the longer I stayed there ruminating, the worse I felt. I never really understood why things were so much worse in the mornings. Staying at someone else's house became a nightmare, even with my own sister, as I knew even if I went to bed feeling ok, I would wake with the same high level of anxiety. People used to tell me to get on with something I enjoyed, but they did not understand that when I was feeling the way I was, nothing was enjoyable. The way I recovered from this was to do something that I knew I wanted to do, and ignore how bad I was feeling about doing it. You have to make what you want to do more important than the anxiety. I wont pretend that this was easy, but slowly things got better. Someone once told me, the content of the thoughts dont matter, they are thoughts and nothing more. This is hard to take on board when they are flooding your mind and frightening you to death. But I can now see where they were coming from. I spent many hours scouring the internet trying to discover if anyone had ever had the same thought content as me. The thoughts are only a symptom of your high level of anxiety. I wish I could help you both. I am desperate to start some sort of help group in my area for people suffering but dont know where to start. I wish I had found a site like this when I was suffering as no body seemed to understand me. I send you both a big hug and hope that your day gets better. If there is anything I can help you with I am more than willing to. You can recover, you will not be like this forever. x
Thank you Harley, that is reassuring for both of us..I just hope it ends soon. I had been anxiety free for a year but it came back after an accident and I keep thinking I have got through it before so can do it again but on mornings like this I just can't see the wood for the trees!
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