my mother in law just died cant cope

[juju]

hi
sorry if this sounds sooo selfish but i am so sad my husbands mother has just passed away and all i can think about is how will i cope at the funeral -i feel so guilty thinking about myself at this awful time for all of us but i cant help it

my anxiety is soaring because i really need to be supportive to my husband i hope i can cope on the day(fri) which sadly is also my birthday too. i suprised myself yesterday though without hesitation i went straight to the hospital to see her with my hubby i had never seen death before (one of my fears) i didnt feel panicky/ scared ,she looked so beautiful lying there, i realised there is nothing at all to fear- how can there be when you see how much at peace they are from their faces
just needed to express myself thanks for listening
juju******

[Piglet]

Firstly I am so sorry to hear your sad news hun.

Secondly as regards the funeral, try not to worry here, after all no one is quite themselves at funerals so if you don't feel great no one will be judging you.

If you feel really bad on the day you could say you'd like to sit at the back as you feel a little 'off' - you won't need to expand on this, as most people would accept that and understand. Then if you needed a 5 min breather you could go outside without drawing attention to yourself.

I honestly think if you managed the hospital and were ok then you will be fine with the funeral.

Also how we mark our respect is acutally a very personal thing, although traditional to attend a funeral we can mark it in anyway appropriate for us. I knew a lady who really wasn't well enough to attend a funeral so went a few weeks later to the church and saw the vicar who did a few words with her at the grave. I also heard of another person who marked it in her own garden with a new rose bush to plant and said her own words.

Don't confuse going to a funeral with the level at which you care. A funeral is a convenient way to gather the persons family and friends but it is by no means the only option to pay your respects.

Love Piglet xx

[alexis]

Hi juju, think Piglet has said it all, she is wonderful with words, how about a bit of rescue remedy, have you tried it, it is herbal so very safe, my cousin used it at my aunts funeral last year, you did so well yesterday you should be proud keep in touch and let us know how you get on.xxxx

[Southern_Belle]

Hi JuJu,

I am so sorry to hear of your mother-in-law's passing. It is normal to have anxiety in times like this though even if you don't normally have anxiety issues. I believe it is a good thing though that you viewed her as being at peace as this will begin a healing process for you and hopefully your husband. How nice to realize that there is nothing to fear as you viewed it as peaceful!

Again, the funeral is on your birthday, not a good day but unfortunately can't be helped. Possibly you can celebrate your birthday the next day, might help cheer things up.

I think it was very brave of you to go to that hospital and in the end you saw peace.

Bel

"Our thoughts are our reality"

[nomorepanic]

Ju

Sorry to hear this sad news and please pass on my sympathy to your husband as well.

I had 3 funerals to attend when I was at my worst and I really thought that I could no way manage it.

I had to be there for Alex (all death's on his side of the family) and though I was panicky and felt dreadful I knew I had to be there for him and I was.

Get the breathing slowed down and it will help immensely.

I am sure once there you will be wanting to support your husband and you will forget your own problems.

I hope it goes well.

Sorry it happens to be your birthday as well.

Nicola

[juju]

thanks for all of your support
it helps me a great deal -this website is my biggest help yet
thanks again and all take care********

[jodie]

hi juju

i am sorry to hear your sad news .

i have had 7 funerals to go to in the last few years and i was also at my worst .one of those funerals was my little girls .it was very hard but somhow you just seem to get through it and as piglet has sead everyone is sad and not at there best so people will understand if you arnt good .
funerals dont last very long and im sure you will get through the day we have a good way of doing that at times like these .

love jodie x
i will be thinking of you on friday

[Coni]

Hi Juju

sorry to hear about your mother in law. I lost my mum last year while I was at my lowest and couldnt imagine getting through it, but I managed. Piglet gave some great advice and I am sure you will find the strength to get through this somehow. People all react differently to grief so no one will be judging you.

I'll be thinking of you on Friday. Take care.

Coni x

[hayles]

So sorry for your news.
Good luck for FRiday x

Hay x

[mirry]

Hi JUjU,

Im really sorry to learn of your mother inlaws passing.
It is a very painful time for you all and I wouldnt feel guilty about being concerned how you will cope at the funeral.
Like Piglet says everyone copes in different ways, can you take a diazepam to help your nerves ?

As for it also being your birthday I think you should do something for You on saturday, maybe a quiet meal out for you and your husband ?

Its my birthday on saturday so I will be thinking of you.

take care
mirry

mirryx

[brenda]

Hi JuJu
I had the same problem when my mother died
I got in such a state that I couldnt go to the funeral. But I did go and see her after she died and then went to the graveyard the day after the funeral.

I dont think it is important that you have to cope with it. Like the others have said everybody hates funerals and sitting at the back in case you want to go outside is a get out for you if you need it.
Even people without anxiety have problems with feeling stressed and upset so you wont seem any different to others there
Hope that helps
Pam

[clickaway]

hello JuJu, and I'm sorry for your loss.

I was in a right panic 18 months ago when I lost my aunt, and it was more to do with coping and not letting others down, especially my Dad. I got the occupational therapist to advise me on how to minimise my anxiety on the day - I had a strict timetable of actions up until the time I had to set off (3pm) and that really helped.

A few months later my own mum died, but I was so busy with the preparations, I didn't really have time to panic!

Perhaps when the time is right at a future date, you can both go out for a quiet meal or whatever to mark your birthday. You'll both be deserving of that.

Take Care,

Ray


http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[ceecee]

hi juju i,m really sorry to hear your sad news i know how you feel as my father-in-law passed away in march this year and although i was there 100% for my hubby i was sooooo worried about i would cope with the funeral(seeing as we had to go in the funeral car)but even though i was sooo worried right up until we got to the crematoruim i was so caught up in my grief i didn,t really think about the anxiety.you will get through this and once you,ve said your farewells i,m sure you will be pleased that you managed to go and support your husband
thinking of you
take care
rachelx

[Eclipse]

Hi juju,

I think your mother-in-law would have been touched by your post, especially where you mentioned how beautiful she looked.

You're not selfish for feeling that way about the funeral, it's bound to be an emotional time for you all and to echo what others have said, we all have to deal with things in whichever way gets us through.

Good luck for Friday and remember we'll be thinking of you

Best wishes
Magz
XXXX

[mia0621]

Hi JuJu,

Sorry to hear about your mother in law. This is a very difficult time for you and your family, so don't feel guilty about feeling nervous. Any of us who have had that experience understand what it's like to anticipate a funeral. Just hang in there, and know that we are here for you if you need us.

Mia

[juju]

hi all
well i made it through the funeral it was ok a bit panicky but i just thought of all the advice i was given thanks to you all.
i even stayed an hour in the place we went to after-very crowded and squashed, but i just talked to people and consoled the family and ignored myself, and not watched my body for any symptoms starting, and thought, oh what the hell im not bothered anyway, im not scared, if you want to come -come and they never, then i went straight to work after -phew what a big day im so proud of myself i feel i can conquer the world ha ha
big thanks again
juju

we are all stronger people after having this

[brenda]

Well done JuJu

Thats the way Claire weekes says to deal with it.
Just let it come and say so what :-)

Hope you can continue to use the same thoughts again when you get stressed

Hugs
Pam

[alexis]

Well done Juju, you did super, hope you find chance to celebrate your bitrthday perhaps another day?


Alexis
xx

[Piglet]

Well done juju - we all knew how you felt beforehand, so really well done for managing it.

Love Piglet x

[nomorepanic]

Julie

Well done on coping so well.

Glad you managed to go and stay.

Now try and enjoy your belated birthday.

Nicola