Jo_anna
13-10-12, 16:19
Hi
I'm Joanna, a 20 year old Psychology student in the final year of Uni. I'm from the South of England.
I am not diagnosed with any anxiety disorder or any disorder for that matter. My father had/has OCD and my mother has some problems with alcohol, depression etc..
I don't know whether to go to the doctors about my anxiety. I have had a few panic attacks this year and in the past. They have lasted hours. My panic attacks usually last an hour... I tend to be able to avoid some panic attacks. When I feel like I am about to panic I try to divert my attention to something else that isn't going to make me feel anxious.
I have particular problems in social situations. There is not a time when I don't feel anxious about engaging in a social situation. As a result I don't have many friends and this depresses me a lot. I tend to push people away when I feel like they're getting too close to me because I'm afraid I'll let them down or be let down. I obsess over my appearance most the time because I'm worried what other people think and having some control over the way I look makes me feel 'acceptable'. I often feel like I'm not worthy of others company or conversation. If I see someone I know in the street I will avoid them because I think they don't want to talk to me or dislike me for some reason. That kind of situation makes me pretty anxious and panicy because I never know how to really react.
Recently I have begun to notice more when I get depressed I won't look after myself so well so I won't wash my hair so regularly for example - this then makes me want to itch my scalp and I will itch it til it bleeds and then pick at the scabs. I will also comb my hair with my fingers with some force that a bit of hair falls out. I also pick at my gums/teeth, especially if I can feel a crack in a tooth. I will pick at them til they bleed and then use floss. I don't feel like I can help it though and it gives some kind of relief when I'm feeling stressed/anxious. Since becoming more aware of this I have tried to avoid it but the urge is still there.
I also make lists, not so much out of choice though. i don't feel like I'll remember everything I need to do unless I plan and write it down. I don't really have the motivation to do anything at the moment so making a list helps me focus on things I need to do. I will make lists of really small things though like 'Brush teeth, wash face, mouthwash, cleanse face/apply cream'. I've begun to obsess over the timing and order I undergo tasks. I always try to optimism the time it takes to do things. I often feel like I am rushing around trying to get everything done. Despite this I've been late a lot recently because I find it hard to leave the house even though I give myself enough time (like 2 hours). I get anxious about having to do things and the way I do them (the time it takes to do each thing and in the 'best' order).
I get claustrophobic for no real reason sometimes. For example many of the panic attacks I've had have started from me feeling claustrophobic or trapped - if all the doors are shut in my room or I'm in an enclosed area on my own such as in a toilet cubical, I begin feeling anxious and have to focus on what I'm doing and get out of that situation as soon as possible to avoid feeling more anxious. There is one fairly traumatic event I can think of that perhaps relates to this in some way but I'm not sure.
I almost had a panic attack on the train the other day. I was almost near my stop but this didn't help rationalize the situation. I started to become more and more aware I could not get off the train, I was in an enclosed area with other people watching. I began scratching at my arms to calm myself down (tried to do this discretely obviously). I have self-harmed in the past but never too severely in my opinion, mostly because I worry about what people will think if they saw and have always lied or not told anyone about it. I also get suicidal thoughts/begin to wish not to exist when I'm feeling particularly low.
I feel embarrassed about going to the doctors about these things because I know it could be so much worse. But i'm also worried about the anxiety getting worse. I'm worried the doctor won't take what I say seriously. The whole idea of going to see a doctor about my anxiety, makes me really...anxious!
I tried counselling last year but it had to come to an end. I have also had therapy due to being depressed after a loved one passed away and in relation to family issues when I was much younger.
The main reason I want to get help is because I'm worried about how my anxiety will affect my final year at Uni. I've already had one panic attack due to stress and depression - and this was in the first couple weeks back at Uni!
Obviously there is also the whole social side and other aspects which worry me too.
Any advice and honest opinions would be very much appreciated and if you'd like to know anything else about me please ask!
Sorry this post is so long and if I should of posted this else where, please let me know.
Many thanks and look forward to getting to know you all more.
J
I'm Joanna, a 20 year old Psychology student in the final year of Uni. I'm from the South of England.
I am not diagnosed with any anxiety disorder or any disorder for that matter. My father had/has OCD and my mother has some problems with alcohol, depression etc..
I don't know whether to go to the doctors about my anxiety. I have had a few panic attacks this year and in the past. They have lasted hours. My panic attacks usually last an hour... I tend to be able to avoid some panic attacks. When I feel like I am about to panic I try to divert my attention to something else that isn't going to make me feel anxious.
I have particular problems in social situations. There is not a time when I don't feel anxious about engaging in a social situation. As a result I don't have many friends and this depresses me a lot. I tend to push people away when I feel like they're getting too close to me because I'm afraid I'll let them down or be let down. I obsess over my appearance most the time because I'm worried what other people think and having some control over the way I look makes me feel 'acceptable'. I often feel like I'm not worthy of others company or conversation. If I see someone I know in the street I will avoid them because I think they don't want to talk to me or dislike me for some reason. That kind of situation makes me pretty anxious and panicy because I never know how to really react.
Recently I have begun to notice more when I get depressed I won't look after myself so well so I won't wash my hair so regularly for example - this then makes me want to itch my scalp and I will itch it til it bleeds and then pick at the scabs. I will also comb my hair with my fingers with some force that a bit of hair falls out. I also pick at my gums/teeth, especially if I can feel a crack in a tooth. I will pick at them til they bleed and then use floss. I don't feel like I can help it though and it gives some kind of relief when I'm feeling stressed/anxious. Since becoming more aware of this I have tried to avoid it but the urge is still there.
I also make lists, not so much out of choice though. i don't feel like I'll remember everything I need to do unless I plan and write it down. I don't really have the motivation to do anything at the moment so making a list helps me focus on things I need to do. I will make lists of really small things though like 'Brush teeth, wash face, mouthwash, cleanse face/apply cream'. I've begun to obsess over the timing and order I undergo tasks. I always try to optimism the time it takes to do things. I often feel like I am rushing around trying to get everything done. Despite this I've been late a lot recently because I find it hard to leave the house even though I give myself enough time (like 2 hours). I get anxious about having to do things and the way I do them (the time it takes to do each thing and in the 'best' order).
I get claustrophobic for no real reason sometimes. For example many of the panic attacks I've had have started from me feeling claustrophobic or trapped - if all the doors are shut in my room or I'm in an enclosed area on my own such as in a toilet cubical, I begin feeling anxious and have to focus on what I'm doing and get out of that situation as soon as possible to avoid feeling more anxious. There is one fairly traumatic event I can think of that perhaps relates to this in some way but I'm not sure.
I almost had a panic attack on the train the other day. I was almost near my stop but this didn't help rationalize the situation. I started to become more and more aware I could not get off the train, I was in an enclosed area with other people watching. I began scratching at my arms to calm myself down (tried to do this discretely obviously). I have self-harmed in the past but never too severely in my opinion, mostly because I worry about what people will think if they saw and have always lied or not told anyone about it. I also get suicidal thoughts/begin to wish not to exist when I'm feeling particularly low.
I feel embarrassed about going to the doctors about these things because I know it could be so much worse. But i'm also worried about the anxiety getting worse. I'm worried the doctor won't take what I say seriously. The whole idea of going to see a doctor about my anxiety, makes me really...anxious!
I tried counselling last year but it had to come to an end. I have also had therapy due to being depressed after a loved one passed away and in relation to family issues when I was much younger.
The main reason I want to get help is because I'm worried about how my anxiety will affect my final year at Uni. I've already had one panic attack due to stress and depression - and this was in the first couple weeks back at Uni!
Obviously there is also the whole social side and other aspects which worry me too.
Any advice and honest opinions would be very much appreciated and if you'd like to know anything else about me please ask!
Sorry this post is so long and if I should of posted this else where, please let me know.
Many thanks and look forward to getting to know you all more.
J