Never thought I'd be here

[Tractor]

I'm glad I have found this forum, as I never thought that I would end up in a position to need it. I'm a 31yr old male, married for 9yrs (together for 11), with 3 young children and a physical job working shifts.

From my parents splitting when I was young, through a number of attempts at suicide in my early teens, to 3 years of marriage troubles (and various other life-affecting events), I finally cracked a few days ago.

Uncontrollable shaking, crying at almost anything, not being able to eat more than a few crumbs even though I was starving and the inability to sleep for more than a few minutes - all this happened after a week in which I convinced myself that my wife didn't love me, her Grandfather got taken into hospital and died a couple of days after, my Grandmother got taken in to hospital at the other end of the country, my car broke down with a possible terminal fault and the celing came down in my daughters bedroom.

I had spoken to the Samaritains a few months ago, and after ringing them again the other day, I realised I needed more help than someone who could just listen. Luckily my work offers access to an independant counselling service, and from what the practictioner said, I rang just in time.

I have spoken with him 3 times now, and have been to my doctor who has prescribed me 4-weeks of Citalopram 20mg, and she is arranging an NHS counsellor and CBT. But I am scared about the side effects of the drug, as my wife is grieving and I don't want to add to her troubles.

But I know that I can beat this - it's not going to be easy, but I don't want to be feeling like this, so I will fight all the way to get to the other side. I have told a limited number of friends as I am not embarassed, and have been suprised that more than one has experience of similar problems (either themselves or their partner).

I look forward to forming friendships and helping not just myself, but others in the same situation.

[nomorepanic]

Hi Tractor

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[Tufty]

:welcome: Tractor,

First what a great post, some positive statements in there about beating this - that's a great way to start and don't forget that - no one is like this forever.

It sounds like you've been through the mill and need some time out to recover, your nerves are worn out, try to rest, eat a little healthy stuff and drink lots of water if possible.

I've also been surprised at the number of friends that have suffered with anxiety and depression and those I would never of imagined would - the seemingly strong and capable ones - its definately not a sign of the weak - quite the opposite its a sign of being strong for too long resulting in your nerves becoming frazzled.

This website is great for support and distraction whilst your recovering (which you are now you have as you say 'cracked'), you're on the road to recovery. As for the medication - that's a matter of personal choice, Citalopram can increase your anxiety in the first few weeks so be prepared - maybe some Diazepam would help get you through this breakdown. CBT is great - there's also lots of great advice on this site

Take Care and welcome again
Sam

[Sparkle1984]

Welcome to the forums! :) Sorry to hear you've had such a tough time of things recently. :hugs:
I'm on citalopram 10mg and I've found it really helpful so far, although I did have side effects for the first few days, it will get better. :) CBT is really useful as well.

[almamatters]

:welcome: Hope you find this site as helpful as I have.

[fozzy is crying]

:welcome:
:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[Hope73]

:welcome:

[Tractor]

Thanks for all the welcomes.

Had my first Citalopram yesterday. Felt strangely calm for the first hour or so, then - because I had not had any sleep the night before - I had a nap for a couple of hours.

Felt a bit odd when I woke up and ended up being sick. But I felt better after!

When I bought the Citalopram from the chemist, I asked about help sleeping, and the pharmacist - after the usual questions - gave me Nytol. First time I've ever needed help sleeping, so was a bit wary, but I went up at 9pm and slept through until about 5am.

My head was banging when I woke up, and after lying in bed for a while, I got up and went to look in the mirror. I have been doing this for the last few days, as I have found that I couldn't concentrate enough to focus on my face. I managed to do it yesterday, but this morning my pupils looked huge, and each eye seemed to focus in turn, rather than both at the same time - very disconcerting!

However, I have just managed to eat a small bowl of cereal and drink some orange juice, which is the most I have had for about 4 days. I did this by trying the basics of CBT - basically telling myself that although my mind was trying to stop me eating, my body needs the energy to function.

But, although these good things are happening, it is taking a lot of energy for me to 'push back' the things that don't need to be done yet, so that they don't drag me back down. I know this won't be a quick-fix, but it is a part of my personality that will need some work, as in the past I often felt positive about impossible things, and negative about things that are actual good.