kevd72
17-10-12, 23:40
At last I have found somewhere to talk and listen to other people who suffer from from severe panic attacks and depression. I think it,s amazing that someone has taken the time and effort to start something like this up so to the people who helped a big THANK YOU. I am a 40 year old male who lives in Kent about 20 meters away from the sea in a very large flat. But for the last 2 and half years I have been out 2 or 3 times and its such a peaceful beautiful area it makes me feel so guilty. I have a borderline personality disorder and due to my bad nerves and the way I self medicated I now have a serious heart condition. I guess some of you may have also drunk alcohol over your lifetime at some point to ease panic attacks , well I went into it in a big way . I owned a landscaping company which was great working outdoors not in crowds etc. But employing people gave me the excuse to drink all day long and being successful I was working 7 days a week every week until I staggered to one breakdown to the next. I was drinking 8 cans of super strength lager a day on top of 60mg of diazepam and 45mg of Mirtazapine. As you can imagine I slipped into to being a alcoholic , these were the things that damaged my heart. I had the stupid notion of because I was used to these amounts I could get away with it , I honestly thought customers didn,t even know I had been drinking. Not once did anyone say anything to me and I had contracts for the landscaping of 3 local police stations and a district judges estate . When I look back on it now I cringe , and feel ashamed so ashamed. Anyway to cut a long story as short as I can make it I ran away , yes a 36 year old man. I left everything my long suffering partner , my car ,van , home everything. I lived in hotels was drinking a litre bottle of vodka neat just to go out to get more and blew everything I had on misery. Needless to say I had a heart attack and as soon as they discharged by I was taken straight to a mental health ward where I spent 4/5 months with some of the most disturbed people I have every met in my life outside of television it was a daily constant nightmare. However I am now on the road to a much better future I have not had a drink for nearly 3 years. But I guess as many of you know its a very lonely uphill day to day struggle. I am still on 40mg of diazipam and 45mg of mirtazapine and morphine for pain and of course 2 different heart tablets and Lyrica. Im sorry this posting has been so long but I,ve waited nearly 5 years to tell this to someone and for the spelling mistakes but I,ve poured this all out in under 10 minutes and now somehow I feel better for it . If you got this far thanks for taking the time to read it.