JoBo1980
18-10-12, 11:14
I have been battling with anxiety on and off for the last 4 years. It comes and goes and usually rears its ugly head when life gets tough and this year has been the toughest i've known with the anxiety taking over my life for the last 10 months.
The long and short is that my mum separated from her partner of 15 years, he racked up a sh*tload of debt and walked out. leaving her with a £135k mortgage at the age of 60, a mortgage she cant even afford to pay, and then threatened her with court action over half of the house etc etc, she's losing her home of 25 years and then she got breast cancer.
its bad enough worrying about her losing her home. i've had to pay her mortgage for the last six months as she had nothing. my savings have disappeared and not only am i left worrying about mine and my husbands future, but my mum's future too. people say its not our responsibility to worry and that she shouldnt put such a strain on us but what do you say when you get a phone call from your mum saying she's terrified and has no idea what to do, and doesnt have enough money to eat. you dont turn your back. you do what you do for your family. despite the consequences on my health at the moment. but the C word that just takes it to a whole new level. you hear of so many people that are affected by it, it's so common. and then it happens to someone so close to you, its scary and frightening.
i feel like the last year of my life has been taken away. the whole 10 months of this year has been consumed by me worrying about her future, how to get her out of the mess, how to find her somewhere else to live where she will be safe, going through the breast cancer with her, worrying about how she is going to get herself to radiotherapy, how she will feed herself when she doesnt work etc etc, what if it comes back and she doesnt get better next time?
this 10 months of constant worry has taken its toll on me. i never used to be afraid of much in life. now it takes all my strength to get me out of the house in the morning and on to the train to get me to work. i have to carry on. if i give up, i will lose everything.
i often sit on the train to work in the morning and look at the people around me and think "can they tell i'm sitting here trying not to have a breakdown?", or maybe they feel the same as me but you can't see it just by looking at someone. i was always and in some ways still am, finding it hard to talk about it in case people think i'm silly. people at work have asked me if i've lost weight recently and i'll say "yeah a bit, probably through stress" and one of them laughed and said "what have you got to be stressed about?" if only you knew i thought.
i've been putting off for months talking to the doctor about it but today i made steps to do it (even though i cant get a bloody appointment for 3 weeks). i woke up this morning after really worrying about everything more this week and felt dizzy and like my head was going to explode. i've taken today as sick. i LOVE my job and the people i work for but they can only be sympathetic for so long. i cant keep taking time off because of the anxiety. its time to take my life back now. i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. i've just got to be brave and strong enough to reach it.
The long and short is that my mum separated from her partner of 15 years, he racked up a sh*tload of debt and walked out. leaving her with a £135k mortgage at the age of 60, a mortgage she cant even afford to pay, and then threatened her with court action over half of the house etc etc, she's losing her home of 25 years and then she got breast cancer.
its bad enough worrying about her losing her home. i've had to pay her mortgage for the last six months as she had nothing. my savings have disappeared and not only am i left worrying about mine and my husbands future, but my mum's future too. people say its not our responsibility to worry and that she shouldnt put such a strain on us but what do you say when you get a phone call from your mum saying she's terrified and has no idea what to do, and doesnt have enough money to eat. you dont turn your back. you do what you do for your family. despite the consequences on my health at the moment. but the C word that just takes it to a whole new level. you hear of so many people that are affected by it, it's so common. and then it happens to someone so close to you, its scary and frightening.
i feel like the last year of my life has been taken away. the whole 10 months of this year has been consumed by me worrying about her future, how to get her out of the mess, how to find her somewhere else to live where she will be safe, going through the breast cancer with her, worrying about how she is going to get herself to radiotherapy, how she will feed herself when she doesnt work etc etc, what if it comes back and she doesnt get better next time?
this 10 months of constant worry has taken its toll on me. i never used to be afraid of much in life. now it takes all my strength to get me out of the house in the morning and on to the train to get me to work. i have to carry on. if i give up, i will lose everything.
i often sit on the train to work in the morning and look at the people around me and think "can they tell i'm sitting here trying not to have a breakdown?", or maybe they feel the same as me but you can't see it just by looking at someone. i was always and in some ways still am, finding it hard to talk about it in case people think i'm silly. people at work have asked me if i've lost weight recently and i'll say "yeah a bit, probably through stress" and one of them laughed and said "what have you got to be stressed about?" if only you knew i thought.
i've been putting off for months talking to the doctor about it but today i made steps to do it (even though i cant get a bloody appointment for 3 weeks). i woke up this morning after really worrying about everything more this week and felt dizzy and like my head was going to explode. i've taken today as sick. i LOVE my job and the people i work for but they can only be sympathetic for so long. i cant keep taking time off because of the anxiety. its time to take my life back now. i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. i've just got to be brave and strong enough to reach it.