Really struggling and have nobody to talk to

[sazz_1984]

Hi,

I am new here and just felt I needed to post as a release as I can't possibly tell any friends or family what i'm going through at the moment.

I feel I have been depressed most of the time for the past few years. I cannot recall a time where I felt truly happy, yet I have never been able to talk to anyone about this and do not want to go to the doctors for fear of people finding out as I am surrounded by very judgemental people with perfect lives.

I have ruined 2 relationships because of the way I am. I had what other people would deem the perfect life. Nice house, no debt, loving boyfriend who would take me on holidays about 5 or 6 times a year, yet when I was away I could just not act happy and would be tired and feeling sick and end up with anxiety attacks all the time. My boyfriend even offered to fund therapy for me but I was too stubborn to admit there was anything wrong and refused help. Eventually it all got too much for him and he left me (which I completely understand and don't blame him). I went through a pretty dark time then, but managed to push it all to the back of my head and soldier on with work etc. I have mastered appearing normal on the outside perfectly.

After a while I started to date again. Probably a little rushed as I was trying my best to find someone to make me happy. I did start seeing a really nice guy, but surely enough after a few months I could no longer put on this false front and he saw right through my moods and said I appeared depressed because of the way I act ( I constantly have to keep myself and my mind busy so as to not sit and dwell. So I would throw myself into working a lot). He told me I needed to get help and left me because of the depression. Now I know that you have to help yourself, but I feel this is the worse thing he could of done as I just needed someone to talk to and offload onto and I felt I could trust him with opening up about it, but he does not want to listen and help and this has made me mistrust people even more.

I just don't know what to do as my family will just think i'm stupid and work colleagues will all talk behind my back.

I cry every single day, struggle to sleep and constantly think about death and the point to this life. I'm just willing myself to keep going each day in the hope that one day I will just feel different about everything. I am losing hope as each day goes by though.

I don't want to die but I'm not seeing much other options at the moment. I just really can't admit this to anyone.

I'm sorry to go on, but just feel I needed to write this down as some form of release.

[Corona89]

Go to the doctor and get help. Don't worry about people being judgemental, at the end of the day depression is an illness and has to be treated so don't be embarrassed about it. Doing nothing will not make it go away, so good luck and i hope you feel better soon.

[Harley]

Hi Sazz, so sorry that you feel this way but please please go and talk to your GP as a start. Medication and therapy will help you, you dont have to feel the way you do. It is an illness and nothing to be ashamed of. Why do you think your family will think you stupid? And you may be surprised to find that a lot of your work colleagues have, or are suffering the same. I didnt tell anyone at work for a long time, but when I did, I was so surprised as to how many others had experienced the same.
Depression and anxiety are recognised illnesses. You dont have to be alone. You have made the first step by coming on this site. There is help out there for you please dont be ashamed to ask for it. You dont have to be alone in this, and it is possible to recover with the right sort of help.

[isthisasgdasitgets]

Hi sazz, sorry your struggling at the mo. You really should go talk to your doctor, they've heard it all before. As to family/friends and colleagues, I'm positive, if they knew how you were feeling they would only want to help.
I had a blip last year and had 5 weeks off work,I was so scared of what my colleagues would think when I returned, but honestly they couldn't have been more understanding. 1 in 3 people suffer with mental health probs in their life, so you're not alone.
As to men, I'm afraid looking for a boyfriend to make you happy won't work as you have experienced, happiness can only come from within ourselves.

You've took the first step by coming on here and talking, have you got a good friend or family member you could talk too? Please don't suffer in silence. Hope you get the help you need x