View Full Version : The frightening realisation that your parents do not love you
* I've spent a lifetime longing for a meaningful and loving relationship with my mother. It took me a long time to work out that I've wasted years seeking out alternative mother figures in the hope they could provide something to replace the missing connection, only to be repeatedly disappointed. So many lovely people who would have made the most amazing mother. I just wish they were mine.
* A couple of days ago, I read an article "My Mother Doesn’t Love Me and the Process of Grieving" (by Darlene Ouimet) and finally I believe I have enlightenment to the source my lifelong unhappiness: My life's biggest fear - that my mother does not love me; that my parents do not love me.
In the moment of that realisation I felt very scared indeed. More alone and frightened than ever before in my life.
* It felt almost too difficult to think about this let alone talk about it but despite overwhelming sadness and fear, I shared my realisation with my counsellor yesterday. It's like being laid bare to the world, all my protective layers removed. I am completely transparent and curled up hiding, just wanting these awful feelings to go away.
* Some of the things I experience are extreme loneliness (even when i'm with people I know love me and value me). Also guilt, shame, and just feeling that something is missing inside. I do long for real relationships with people, to feel valued & loved. I see now that I never really valued my side of any relationship, that I see other people as more important and valuable than myself.
* My hope is that having made this realisation, I can move forward and work on my self-defeating behaviours and learn to love myself. Instead of fearing and avoiding love, perhaps I can actually learn to express my feelings of love to others and begin to feel my worth in relationships.
* It does make me feel like a fraud because I do have a long-term, loving partner and many very good friends (friends whom I am told love me even though I find that hard to accept, even though their actions do speak louder than words; they have all shown warmth and caring towards me. it's just very scary to let them into my heart). I have much more than many people do in a lifetime but I just want to connect with the reality of it all actual "feel" this and not just see it as a list of facts on a piece of paper.
* I do know that my difficulties stem from relentless emotional abuse and bullying throughout my childhood & teenage years from my brothers; One of my brothers abused me very briefly and though his actions werent particularly intrusive, he abused me nonetheless. My parents never stepped in to stop the day to day bullying. In fact my father joined in. My mother just used to shout at me if I showed any fear or emotion, I was just a nuisance or hinderance to her much of the time (because I was emotional, unlike the rest of my family).
* I coped by hiding my feelings very, very deep inside. I'm much better at letting them out now than I was but since my abusive brother died earlier this year, I have been really struggling. People have told me I am a survivor, well I dont feel like I am surviving. Right now I am filled with fear, anxiety and at my lowest ebb. But what I am taking from the last few days is that whilst this has been a very painful realisation - it is very likely a huge turning point for me. I've recovered from deep depression before and now I'm hoping that this latest realisation is going to be the thing that changes my life forever.
* Here's to hope.
It must have been very difficult for you growing up in those circumstances and will have added to your low self esteem. Now that you have realised what has been holding you back I hope that you will be able to move forward in your life and built up your self esteem where you can learn to love yourself and accept the love from your partner and friends. :bighug1::bighug1:
---------- Post added at 17:24 ---------- Previous post was at 17:16 ----------
I also saw that on another thread that you are embarrassed about crying. Never be embarrassed to show your emotions. I know you were made to feel bad for this in your upbringing but you need that release :hugs:
Awwww that post makes me want to cry. You are such a strong person to endure what you have. I am so sorry you had to do deal with this. No one should have to be raised like this. A lot of my anxiety has much to do with my past and abusive parents. I commend you for being able to express your feelings, and trying to move on. I can express how I feel today (physically) but I have never opened up on the past except with therapist. Not even my Husband, or children. It is not an easy thing to do. You are well on your way of getting out of this cycle. You are a step above me, my friend. I wish you the best of luck on your journey of trusting, and loving. I know you will get there. :hugs:
oops, just read your lovely posts Annie and Panicky me; now i am crying. its quite hard to believe that the kind things you said are actually about me. i am determined i will move on up and keep "letting it out". i know that each time you do cry about it, a little bit of you heals. Interesting PM you say "I can express how I feel today (physically) but I have never opened up on the past except with therapist. " When i did cbt several years ago, she said i was very "closed". i never cried once. that's because it was way too scary. now, after all these years (I think because my brother who inflicted most of the pain has died) i have been able to begin letting it out. maybe that'll happen for you too one day.
paranoidtree
26-10-12, 10:02
oh tessar, just reading your post made me feel so sad. in some ways it echos how i feel though for slightly different reasons. i'm slowly working through my past and am astounded how much it has affected me. i hope that you can start to move forward and are able to find the love you deserve.
thank you paranoidtree; it is astounding isnt it when you do realise how much it has affected you. my counsellor pointed out to me that dont feel i deserve any love or affection. i am beginning to see i dont feel worthy (but am realising of course i am). like when i saw my doctor recently i thought he was going to moan because i had normal blood tests. in fact he was very caring. that overwhelmed me. i felt really sad & unable to control my emotions afterwards, all because he was kind. i still think people are going to dump on me but am realising that most people arent like that, i was just "trained" by my family to believe that (because of course that's what they did - and still woudl if i let them)
Hi Tessar, my heart goes out to you I know not everyone gets on with their parents mum or dad but some of us have a much more difficult time which go beyond simply - not getting on! If its any reassurance I come from a very hostile background! My parents are very good actors and people at first always think they are so nice but to date my mother is and has been shocking towards me! When I was growing my dad had a couple of affairs and it turned my mum from being ok and quite nice bubbly young mum - twisted! Shed shout and hit me as a teen! Then although my mum was 19 when she had me I had my first child at 20 ( you'd think she'd understand ) she bullied me more as an adult than as a child! My mother can not really love me or have my best interests at heart! I was pregnant and sat whilst wheel of fortune was on and I was living with my mum at the time and I said oh I'm really scared she turned and said " oh shut up" I'm not one of those that complains either and never really spoke about my pregnancy with her and that's what she was like ! The midwife once mentioned breastfeeding my mum said " oh no no u don't wan to be doing that" she hit me with a coat hanger when my baby was less than a week old because me and my babies dad were finding our feet and she used to say " well where is he, he don't give a shit" she then made my npthen boyfriend now husband cry in his own home mocking his religion putting packets if ham in a carrier bag for me to take home constantly provoking an argument! I was at university at the time my daughter was 1 when we had bought our own house and my friend said she's jealous !!!! I was shocked but what else could it have been the realisation spher own kids were growing up and shed let time go by like she never married my dad and she wanted 4 kids but only had 2! She also named my daughter Mia and to this day it's caused problems with my husband being Muslim when he found out shed rang all my aunties when she was born and named her my husband told his family her name was Rana!!! Still 10 years on??? My hubbies family were very dismissive of me and our baby and granted it took them a couple of ears to come round but what my mum did to me was beyond care it was an obsession! We eventually when my daughter was 3 got married in secret quick registry office because of all this and I regret now I'm 31 not having that princess day. She then went on the year I got married to commit suicide but is was questioned by my brother who was in the house at the time and now well for 7 years he's had nothing to do with her at all, more problems! She's continued to this day and now my bro is absent from her life because of the person I am I always feel like I have to compensate for him not being at family parties - infant she's been at it today because tonight there's a family wedding quite a way from my house and I'm anxious because my cars not in the best of condition and my little boys unwell but she never said earlier if he gets worse don't bother to come!! Because I have to put on united front for her and I've helped her massively this year! I've tried to reunite her with my bro SO for the first time in 7 years she saw him my dad found out thinks I did it deliberately and now me and my dad are not talking because he believes I that she's lucky I speak to her as it is! I've also helped her cover up meeting up with her partners boss who took a shine to her and her partner called me saying have u seen your mum I said oh she's in town I think she's bumped into a friend and also this year my cousin had a go at her and she got blamed for my auntie not comming to a wedding I went up to sort the issue and I nearly ended up getting hit by my cousin and my kids were left about 7 meters down the road!!! She's very good at playing the vulnerable card with her depression and my absent brother , it's soo hard and she loves portraying us as a string family - front constantly!!! God I'm so depressed! So Hun don't ever think your alone with problem mums your not, I really understand!!!
I hope you do turn that corner , I'm sure you will, keep your head up X takecare I better decide if to go its getting late :winks:
Tessar, thank you!!! Hang in there my friend, you are doing a fine job.
Blimey Col, there's so much going on there. I cant help feeling your mother is very, very lucky that you are still in contact with her. Obvioulsy i dont know how other people feel but for me, because they are my parents (and because it was always drummed into me that you respect your elders), until the last few years, i'd never really considered they might actually be wrong about a few things.
think about how you feel when you're with our family. do they make you feel good??? Mine certainly dont. I didnt realise til recently i have a choice in this matter. my choice is to limit how much time i spend with my parents. it's something i have thought long and hard about but they continue to make me feel guilty and bad about myself. i feel like their lives work was turning me into this horrid thing. now i am busy peeling back the layers of hurt, the damage they did, to reveal a nice kind person. the person everyone else tells me i am.
i think what i'm trying to say is that if people are damaging to you (and your self esteem) it's best not to spend time with those poeple. as my therapist once said to me "they are poison to your mind". she was sooooo right.
it doesnt mean shutting them out completely but limiting time spent with them (even how often you speak on the phone) is helpful. after all, if they were your friends and made you feel like that, very likely they soon wouldnt be your friends.
it makes me feel guilty to feel like this because "they are my parents". but really, they did not respect me at all. they didnt protect me or look out for me when they shoudl have. so i do remind myself when feeling guilty that i am only restricting my time with them because of what they did to me (or didnt do for me). things i am told that we are all entitled to as children.
from the outside my family also look just fine. someone at my brother's funeral said that we have nice parents. i wanted to tell them the truth. woudl have been great but not particularly appropriate. instead i am busy confronting how i feel and looking at the reality of what cause me to fele this way.
hoping that this is all part of the healing process. good lcuk to you too, col. you'll have to keep me updated :-)
Hi Tessar thanks so much for your reply ~ it really helped to give me perspective!
The bit about "poison to the mind" and limiting time and contact, i have tried lessening e contact time with my mum but , she's quite persistent especially since I have 2 small kids she's always got an excuse! I thought at times I was mean despite all the grief she's given me or maybe I just fall for her dramatised vulnerability BUT I know she is selfish and very good at forgetting and because of my nature and life's too short attitude I do let people get away with a lot more than I should and I'm no angel BUT I decent and I have never done anything bad to either one of my parents! I've never brought drunken or drug behavior to their door when I was growing up nor done anything at all bad to warrent the crap ive had to deal with! AllI did was fall for a guy of a different culture and bam~ downward spiral in tandem with my parents final separation! And like I said they've always been selfish in different ways but it really did come to the fore once I started my life as an adult! So your helpful words are comforting, sometimes I feel quite isolated and although I'm surrounded by different people from different circles I find it hard t go into and also think they must think I'm a bit of a story teller? I know that when my panic attacks started last new year it was certainly not all but a vast part ~ down to the constant compounded family meltdown over 10 years and attack and bullying from my own parents especially my mum!
You Takecare tooo, good luck speak soon
Hi Col, I'm glad that my post was helpful, I find it helps me too just sharing stuff with people. I dont think you are mean at all; do wots best for you. I've had the same sort of thing with my mother over the years. Much more subtle but still eats away at me. Like you I'm too good at forgetting and as time goes by I let some stuff creep back at me. Then I have to draw a line again. Again I'm decent, never done anything bad to either of my parents and like you never brought drunken or drug behavior to their door. Who you fall for isnt something you can plan. It just happens. My parents dont approve of my relationship even tho it's been steady for nearly 2 decades. Finally now I realise they are not going to change. I do wish I'd realised this years ago. Perhaps they are just scared (of something/someone different). Who knows. Thing to remember is their the ones with the issue.
I'm realising from various posts on here that there are several things I keep hearing again and again. I also relate to your saying about family meltdown/attack & bullying etc.
At the moment I'm trying to deal with how bad it felt growing up with bullying, teasing, tormenting all directed at me. Even after years of therapy, I'm only just beginning to see that I was just a defenceless little girl. I realise too what they denied me... simple things really like fun, feeling good about myself, confidence etc. Instead I grew up believing I was hideous. I was just a little girl. I still feel the same but know now I need to work through this stuff and finally leave it behind. Ultimately it's up to me to deal with but my counsellor's away at the mo so I wont get to talk it over again for about 10 days. I feel very lonely, vulnerable and struggle to function normally some of the time. Been waking in the night & all this just pops into my head. It does come & go but when I feel at my worst it is quite unpleasant. Just keep reminding myself that I'm not the hideous thing they tried to tell me I was. I'm just a nice kind & caring human being that needs to feel loved.
Tessar, I have just spent an hour writing a PM to you about this, only to find that you have PMs disabled. If you would like to hear from me, let me know.
Tessar, I have just spent an hour writing a PM to you about this, only to find that you have PMs disabled. If you would like to hear from me, let me know.
i got your pm as i changed my settings (doh). what an amazing message you sent me - thank you so much:bighug1:
your post made me cross with people who call them selfs parents
The frightening realisation that your parents do not love you
do they deseve your love NO do not let the ruin one more second of your life dance on your brouthers grave and remove him from your thoughts
Hi Tessar thanks for posting this as I have never had a good relationship with my mother and sometimes I feel like I'm the only person out there with a bad mother. I can never understand why she just doesn't care about me or my siblings but I guess some people are just selfish and don't have an emotional bone in their body. I feel like my mother wouldn't care less if I was alive or not, in fact she never calls me, comes to see me or her grandson (she lives a 10 min walk away) so she wouldn't even know if something happened to me. I feel like I'm just a burdon and her responsibilty ended the day she gave birth to us all. I struggled a long time to understand her and her actions, or lack of them, and I always made the effort to go and see her even when she hadn't bothered with me for weeks, months even no phone calls on birthdays. But now I have come to realise that a relationship works two ways and I only ever see her once in a blue moon now( I still wonder why I bother) and still it is when I make the effort and I do it mainly for my son who wouldn't know his grandma otherwise but some days I do wonder if it is better he doesn't know her as he will only grow up to realise that she will let him down too. Sad situation unfortunately we can't choose our parents. x
anncornes: i know you're right & thank you for your comments. The kind part of me finds it difficult to let go even tho I know I need to. My counsellor suggested that my parents dont have it in them to love people & I realise that's right. It may sound cruel but I feel I cant let it go til my mother dies. That's where my "kind" bit comes in because despite her being rejecting towards me, I still hanker after her attentions even tho i know they are never going to come. She's 82 this week & I almost wish the inevitable would happen. Then I could get on & grieve the loss. Its odd but I've never wanted anything from my father. If I never saw him again, even though I dont hate him or anything, it wouldnt matter. Despite everything my brother did, does it sound crazy that I'd rather not dance on his grave? Not out of respect at all, more that I wouldnt want to give him the pleasure. Each time I post here I feel like it's getting better. Eventually, whilst the memories will still be there, I shall be more complete as a person & know that people such as yourself are my true friends & I dont need some of my so called family members to be happy.
Wow, nicbub, its such a shame that your mother cant see what is staring her in the face. I really do wonder why some people have children, especially several children... In my naive little mind I just assumed they did it because they love children & want to bring up their own & experience all the wonderful things that go with it. I once said to my father it must have been wonderful seeing his children born. He just looked at me blankly. He told me it was to further the human race. I thought he was kidding but he meant it; my parents are roman catholic so I suppose they felt 'duty bound' to do it rather than actually wanting a family. Like anncornes says about getting angry - it winds me up too.
You are right that some people are selfish. I used to think I was selfish for not wanting children but realise I wouldnt have been able to give the commitment required so that's the opposite of selfish. For your mum not to even come & see her grandson is crazy or should i say lazy. Funny you mention being burden as there were times my mother made me feel that way. I can understand you struggling to understand your mother... in the end, unless your mother can be honest with you (and tell you what's behind it all (if she even knows) then it'll remain a mystery. My mother in particular wouldnt ever "come clean" about the past. I always felt that "something must have happened". Some big thing that was kept secret. For years I've wondered what it must hav been. Luckily I have rebuilt a better relationship with one of my bullying brothers. He tells me it felt the same for him but he's never been able to work it out either. I just have to accept much of it is going to remain a mystery (thought realy I wish I knew what went on & why).
I think you've been really adult in continuing to make the effort in this one-way relationship. At least your son does know his grandma, that's something I suppose. Yeah ultimately she probably will let him down too but at least you he'll see it first-hand rather than having been denied the opportunity to make his own mind up. Perhaps like me you wanted (out of kindness) to believe one day your mother would change.
What I will say is that I am lucky to have a loving & long-term partner, some members of my family who are supportive, friends & people at NMP (who feel like family to me). I am listening to what others are saying to me & taking on board their observations. All of this is helping me to reinforce what I do know about myself. That I am an OK, worthy & lovable person. Sometimes it doesnt feel like that still, that but compared to when I first started this thread off in October it feels like I've come a long way.
an added complication to my situation now is that my mother's got dementia or Alzheimer's - dont know which because my father refuses to face it. They live a long way from me and my brothers so we can influence him really (my parents moved away from us 20yrs ago to pursue a dream - or rather my father's dream - of a place to live that they always wanted to be. no harm in that but now of course they are far from us so practical daily help isnt an option
well, i'm still coming to terms with my parents not being able to love their children & knowing that my relationship i dream of with my mother isnt going to happen. last time i spoke to my mother, she wasnt really tuned in to reality. i dont think she ever goes out now. my father was out & he seemed to be all she talked about. its really weird but she seems different; almost vulnerable somehow & when my father's not there she's almost frightened.
i feel so torn because i'm a kind person. despite everything i can still remember as a very young child how much i admired & valued my mother & her touch & feel. Whilst i dont want to leave my father to it, any time i get involved in my parents lives even for a few days, i end up totally screwed. It all goes back to how it was in my childhood which was very unhappy & full of anger & frustration. Even though i'd like to help, i just cant afford to (for my own sanity). plus with them hundreds of miles away i cant just drop in exaclty so i cant keep visits short. same applies to my brothers, even if they bothered to notice (let alone face up to) how my mother's mental health is declining, i dont suppose they'd do alot anyway. oh well, i just wanted to vent a little as it was playing on my mind....
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