Caz Fab Pants
06-06-04, 17:55
The reason I'm posting is because I've just had a really crap day and need to share my thoughts with someone, so here goes: -
I had a lay in this morning and left my partner to deal with the kids because I feel that when I'm asleep I'm not worrying or even existing. I tend to want to sleep alot (yes I know, depression symptom.) However this left me feeling guilty because I'm just wasting the day of the whole family, not just my own.
My partner then took the kids to his parents which has been arranged for a while now and on his return he suggested we go to a pub for drinks. I immediately felt under pressure and began to worry about where we'd be going, whether we would have to walk, would I panic, would I keep going to the toilet etc etc.
Once we were ready my partner said it was too nice to drive so we walked the short distance (not even 5mins) to the nearest pub in town. He didn't want to go in this pub but I felt too uncomfortable to walk any further into town so that is where we went.
After getting our drinks we sat down and the count down started in my head, I knew I needed to think about something else apart from the ever increasing anxiety but couldn't. I then needed the loo and hoped that would make me feel better but when i sat back down at the table I still had tummy ache (I suffer from IBS) and knew I would need to go again soon.
I couldn't concerntrate on the conversation my partner was trying to have with me and instead sat there thinking 'what if's' and worrying about how upset he'll be if we have to leave.
After going to the loo again I then felt even more tense and knew my frame of mind was not going to allow the symptoms to subside so we left.
I felt better once I was on my way home but instantly felt guilty and worried that somewhere that I've previously been able to do is now a nightmare.
Seeing this written down just makes it sound like nothing but it has churned up so many negative immotions in me that I feel lifes not worth living.
I didn't give up though. I had another trip to the loo when we got home, took a tablet for my bowel and got in the car with the intent to go to the pub that we were originally going to. This being just a few minutes further away than the pub we had just been in.
However I was still so shaken by the feelings I'd had that I pulled over just before I got into town and told my partner I didn't want to go. We sat there a few minutes and I knew I had to try so off we went again and I parked up on the square in the town centre.
I didn't even want to walk away from the car, let alone go and sit in a pub full of people. We headed towards the crossing with me walking v.slowly and my partner took one look at me and said 'this just isn't worth it, lets not bother, you're not going to enjoy it and we'll probably have to leave as soon as I've got the drinks in.'
So we drove home in silence.
I couldn't bear to go inside because I knew the mental torture I would put myself through so I drove back to the square, parked up and went in the first pub I came to, got a drink and sat outside on my own feeling like utter ****e! Turns out I was there for about an hour mulling everything over including whether I should split from my partner (who I love to bits) just so he can have a better life.
My partner then called and said he was coming to the pub to have a drink with me and again I felt the anxiety well up and I wanted to tell him not to but I didn't.
I got us a drink and felt I needed the loo AGAIN and wanted to leave because the toilets were horrible. Within about 5mins I was stood next to the table rubbing my partners back and suggesting we go even though I knew he would be annoyed.
I don't blame him for being pissed off because to be honest if the roles were reversed I don't know how much I could take. Knowing that his life is being so restricted because of my stupid thoughts makes me feel awful.
Sorry to go on, I'm just feeling so worthless and feel scared of everything.
Caroline :(
I had a lay in this morning and left my partner to deal with the kids because I feel that when I'm asleep I'm not worrying or even existing. I tend to want to sleep alot (yes I know, depression symptom.) However this left me feeling guilty because I'm just wasting the day of the whole family, not just my own.
My partner then took the kids to his parents which has been arranged for a while now and on his return he suggested we go to a pub for drinks. I immediately felt under pressure and began to worry about where we'd be going, whether we would have to walk, would I panic, would I keep going to the toilet etc etc.
Once we were ready my partner said it was too nice to drive so we walked the short distance (not even 5mins) to the nearest pub in town. He didn't want to go in this pub but I felt too uncomfortable to walk any further into town so that is where we went.
After getting our drinks we sat down and the count down started in my head, I knew I needed to think about something else apart from the ever increasing anxiety but couldn't. I then needed the loo and hoped that would make me feel better but when i sat back down at the table I still had tummy ache (I suffer from IBS) and knew I would need to go again soon.
I couldn't concerntrate on the conversation my partner was trying to have with me and instead sat there thinking 'what if's' and worrying about how upset he'll be if we have to leave.
After going to the loo again I then felt even more tense and knew my frame of mind was not going to allow the symptoms to subside so we left.
I felt better once I was on my way home but instantly felt guilty and worried that somewhere that I've previously been able to do is now a nightmare.
Seeing this written down just makes it sound like nothing but it has churned up so many negative immotions in me that I feel lifes not worth living.
I didn't give up though. I had another trip to the loo when we got home, took a tablet for my bowel and got in the car with the intent to go to the pub that we were originally going to. This being just a few minutes further away than the pub we had just been in.
However I was still so shaken by the feelings I'd had that I pulled over just before I got into town and told my partner I didn't want to go. We sat there a few minutes and I knew I had to try so off we went again and I parked up on the square in the town centre.
I didn't even want to walk away from the car, let alone go and sit in a pub full of people. We headed towards the crossing with me walking v.slowly and my partner took one look at me and said 'this just isn't worth it, lets not bother, you're not going to enjoy it and we'll probably have to leave as soon as I've got the drinks in.'
So we drove home in silence.
I couldn't bear to go inside because I knew the mental torture I would put myself through so I drove back to the square, parked up and went in the first pub I came to, got a drink and sat outside on my own feeling like utter ****e! Turns out I was there for about an hour mulling everything over including whether I should split from my partner (who I love to bits) just so he can have a better life.
My partner then called and said he was coming to the pub to have a drink with me and again I felt the anxiety well up and I wanted to tell him not to but I didn't.
I got us a drink and felt I needed the loo AGAIN and wanted to leave because the toilets were horrible. Within about 5mins I was stood next to the table rubbing my partners back and suggesting we go even though I knew he would be annoyed.
I don't blame him for being pissed off because to be honest if the roles were reversed I don't know how much I could take. Knowing that his life is being so restricted because of my stupid thoughts makes me feel awful.
Sorry to go on, I'm just feeling so worthless and feel scared of everything.
Caroline :(