Goodmorningmidnight
27-10-12, 22:17
Hello all, I realised back in September that I may have a problem with anxiety and perhaps depression. Was off work, GP gave me Propranolol and work have referred me to CBT (starts next week).
I am studying part-time for a PhD, so amongst a few other steps to simplify my life and help me recover, I have interrupted my studies for this term.
I was feeling miles better, but a friend asked me to do some undergrad teaching for her on a module run by a big cheese in academia. I went to the first intro session, but as the day of teaching came nearer I had a massive panic attack (worst ever) and decided not to go ahead with the sessions (worried because I can become suicidal, especially in tube stations and the trip requires lots of travel within London). Anyway, the module leader was obviously pretty angry when I cancelled and while I am aware that a) I gave him some notice and b) it is a legit health problem, I can't shake the fact that he hates me and thinks I am a loser. I can't stop thinking about how much he must hate me, and want to ruin my career. And likewise how I have ruined my own career in turning down this offer. I also think my friend must think I am a real failure. I just need to escape from this feeling of self-hate and anxiety. I can't stop taking on his feelings towards me, and what a bad, stupid person I am.
I am studying part-time for a PhD, so amongst a few other steps to simplify my life and help me recover, I have interrupted my studies for this term.
I was feeling miles better, but a friend asked me to do some undergrad teaching for her on a module run by a big cheese in academia. I went to the first intro session, but as the day of teaching came nearer I had a massive panic attack (worst ever) and decided not to go ahead with the sessions (worried because I can become suicidal, especially in tube stations and the trip requires lots of travel within London). Anyway, the module leader was obviously pretty angry when I cancelled and while I am aware that a) I gave him some notice and b) it is a legit health problem, I can't shake the fact that he hates me and thinks I am a loser. I can't stop thinking about how much he must hate me, and want to ruin my career. And likewise how I have ruined my own career in turning down this offer. I also think my friend must think I am a real failure. I just need to escape from this feeling of self-hate and anxiety. I can't stop taking on his feelings towards me, and what a bad, stupid person I am.