Will it ever go away?

[alihud]

Having a really tough time and feel quite hopeless. Just want to get it out. I just feel so on my own and I have felt this way most of my life. You would think I would be used to it by now. The thing is I'm not on my own but my mind keeps harping on that life isn't the way I want in be and I don't know how to change it. I've tried so hard to make my life more how I want it to be but nothing changes. After a traumatic life I now have a painful chronic illness. Just when you think things are getting better something else happens. I've got this for life. I've tried all sorts to make things better,counselling,exercise,loosing weight,horse therapy,learning about my condition,support groups.i have e a fairly good doctor who understands the condition. So why do I feel so crap and feel that absoloutely nobody cares? I do have a best friend but she has this as well and hardly gets out she is so bad. We try our best to support each other. She has just been told she could have died with all her medication,she had a reaction called serotonin syndrome. This is very dangerous. I have two children,teenagers,who I love dearly,they are away with their dad this week,I always go downhill when they are away. Yes I try and keep busy but I don't hardly see anybody while they are away. I've been to dog training which was great to have some human and animal contact. Buti came away still feeling awful. It is just such an awful feeling. I'm trying mindfulness now,did some meditation before bed last night to see if that will work.
I am wondering if I have some sort of mental condition as nothing seems to be working for me. I am 44 years old and have always been like this. I go between horrible anxiety and depression. Yes I've lived with a lot of abuse,two very bad marriages. My parents are dead. Have had a very complicated grieving process over my mum. I do wonder why I am still here,I'm too frightened to end my life as I really do want things to get better but when you live with awful pain every day with no end in sight you do start thinking about a way out I just couldn't do it to my children though. So it just goes on and on.....

[Tessar]

BEST PUT THE KETTLE ON & MAKE A CUPPA.....Bit of a long one......

Alihud, I'm sorry you are feeling so low, really not a nice place to be but I'm very glad you've shared your feelings. There is so much going on in your life, such a struggle. All beyond your control & none of it being kind to you. I've been reading up lately on feelings of loneliness as they affect me greatly. When I feel at my lowest, it's as if I cannot connect to anyone. Even people I know who care about me seem at a distance. Nothing fills the void & feeling powerless is debilitating. What I'm discovering is that humans are wired in such a way that they want to feel 'connected with others'. I've read stuff on 'attachment theory' as well (to do with childhood attachments). It is really complicated but reading up has helped me understand more clearly why the loneliness can exist inside & feels so overwhelming.
It is totally understandable that your unhappy experiences are triggering deep feelings & whilst it's great that you have a best friend, this also is coming at a price for you. Of course, not having your children there is heightening the depth of your feelings. I must admit, when alone, I always feel worse. My lowest ebbs have always been when I'm alone.
Even after successful cbt, I found myself back in depression after my brother died. I hated him so you'd think it would make me happy. I'm told that when people you have "unfinished business" with die, it's much harder to get over the loss. It stirs up many, many painful feelings & memories. Likely the complicated grieving process with your mum is affecting your general well being. This would be no surprise to me as it's a very strong thing to be yearning connection with others & I'm sure that your grieving is making this much more potent.
You are also incredibly selfless; being there for others; protecting your children despite everything you are enduring every day, all on your own. All at a cost to you; putting on a front is a way of coping but ultimately it doesnt address your feelings. I dont know whether, like me, it's hard to let people know how bad you feel? Might I say that I end up feeling bad - but I dont have to contend with the pain you endure on a daily basis. Especially pain that wont going away. It must be so hard being strong for yourself, let alone your children. Such a catch22 for you, especially as you say that life isn't the way you want in be.
It is a credit to you that you are already doing things to help yourself (being active; getting out so you have company). Plus... using mindfulness/meditation to help as well. I dont think you have a mental condition at all. More so you've had so much rubbish to put up with, any human being going through that would feel the way you do.
My current counselling is allowing me to express feelings of sadness & sorrow. It occurs to me, are you compassionate towards yourself? You DO deserve compassion and you are worthy of it. I'm learning that I am not mad, or bad for having these feelings. Despite feeling stuck as maybe a 5 year old in terms of my emotions sometimes, finally, after 40 years of wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I am realising it was just that some of my core needs were not met as a child. I've spent years trying unsuccessfully to fill an awful void. Like part of me is missing. It hasnt been very pleasant & makes me feel vulnerable. But being strongly connected to your feelings is good because it gets them 'out'. Its very painful whilst you are doing that, very painful indeed but once they begin to come out, they can no longer build up & up. But it isnt something best coped with alone.
I know you have tried many things, but maybe with so much bad stuff inside you'd benefit from some help. A way of letting it go. I know when i saw my doctor a while back, something was mentioned about a local charity who do counselling. As it happens they are a christian organisation but do the counselling quite independent from religion (a friend of mine used them & said they were not at all 'godly' -for want of a better word- & they will not impose their faith on anyone who comes to them). I wonder if there's something similar in your area? To find them I googled "charity"+"counselling" and my local town. I wonder if something like this, whilst it's counselling, would be less 'formal' and more like just talking support, a feeling that IS someone there for you?
Again speaking from personal experience, when at my lowest, I have felt the way you do. I relate to it & it is not easy to look forward. But it's good that you can 'let it out' on here so please do keep in touch. Make sure as well you keep up the good work.... those 'little things'. Maybe think of one or two things each day that you can do, simple things that will lift your spirits. Be kind to yourself. How about a nice warm bath with some atomatherapy candles? Oops, aromatherapy even. Wow, sorry this is a bit of a mammoth post -hopefully I havent gone on too much. As I say 'keep in touch'. Please and pretty please. x

[alihud]

Tessar,thank you so much for your reply,that is so amazing you took such time and made an effort to write such a wonderful heartfelt reply. The email you wrote the other day really struck a chord with me. I've just come back from a little mooch round the shops but got overwhelmed by all the people! I just had to get out though. Didn't want to sit indoors with my feelings anymore. I simply cannot wait for my kids to get home on Sunday. Do you have children? I feel bad though because I think I should be able to cope with them going away,You would think after ten years apart from their dad I would be used to it but infactits getting worse. Compassion ahhhhh that is a hard word for me,I just can't seem to do it when I get into these moods I so wish I could. If anyone tells me to be nice to myself or not to be hard on myself I get worse. I can do it sometimes but not when I'm having a depressed episode. I'm can of course be very compassionate to others lol,typical huh? I am having counselling,I'm seeing her tomorrow. I hate to say it buti find the best approach with me is to tell myself to toughen up and to get on with it I seem to respond to that,whether it's the best thing or not I have to do what works.
I'm sorry you've had such a rotten time with your brothers? Did you say you had a sister as well? How do you get on with her?
Thank you for replying again it means so much,chat soon xxxx

[Tessar]

alihud; thanks too for your kind reply. Isnt it great when you feel a connection .Well done for getting out again. as you say, chat again soon. :-)