Sam2707
02-11-12, 01:16
I am 31 years old and I am suffering from health anxiety, general anxiety disorder, or obsessive compulsive disorder, maybe even all three or any combination of.
Mine was triggered by an incident at work. I have always been a bit of a worrier, I tend to over analyse everything and can be prone to turning a relatively minor thing into a catastrophe. However this was different. It started with worrying that somehow I had made a poor decision, put others at risk unnecessarily. I had decided on a course of action which had risks attached, however inaction potentially had greater risks attached, I wont go into too much detail but the point is the decision was questioned. This caused many a sleepless night, anxiety, over analysis etc.
During this period Worries started to creep into my mind about the effect the incident may have had on my health, I started with a cough the day after. In the past, thoughts like this would last for perhaps 24 hours, sometimes even 48. These were different, each worry would lead into another and then another until I did the worst thing I could possibly do… Consulted Dr Google!
Doctor Google, all knowing, contradictory, basically tells you that you have every fatal illness going. Within minutes of my diagnosis I was thinking about all the things I wished I had done before my impending death. This may sound ridiculous, it does to me as I read it back, at the time though it felt very real. The problem is, anyone can publish anything on the internet. If you take the time to read it all (believe me I have) a lot of it is contradictory and very little is written by experts. Please take my word for this; if you take the time to look for yourself you may never sleep again. I visited the good doctor looking for reassurance, sometimes he can seem to be the only source of reassurance at 2am.
I didn’t get it, all I got was more worry and more questions.
This cycle continued for a couple of weeks, my behaviour at work became more and more odd. One afternoon I found myself checking my clothes for contaminants following an itching spell, it was pure genius, stick a piece of sticky tape to my trousers then hold it up to the light, I was sure to find the cause of my itching. The end result was plenty of strange looks from my colleagues, and a collection of sticky tape with fluff on it. I then decided I must have contaminated my car, my home and all my clothes. The answer to this one was to constantly bag up my clothing, wash it, shower and put on clean clothes. I used a lot of washing powder and felt no better. Next idea was to get the car professionally valeted, pure genius, this would stop all my clothes from getting contaminated. Wrong again, now I believed that the contents of my car were contaminated. I managed to stop short of throwing everything out. You can see the problem here. All the strange behaviours (or rituals) solved nothing, they just fed the obsession, reinforced the worrying thoughts.
As the weeks have gone on, I have had good days and bad days, some very dark days too. I have had another serious illness diagnosed by Dr Google, which led me back to a real doctor for tests, which proved that there was nothing wrong with me. Eventually I plucked up the courage to talk to a family member about this, as it turned out they had suffered from OCD in the past. The sense of relief was immense, I was not actually going mad. They had been through the same things, experienced the same behaviours. Don’t get me wrong this was not a miracle cure, it just convinced me I needed help.
OCD is like having an argument with yourself. It knows what you are thinking in order to reassure yourself, and exactly how to counter it. It knows your next move, how can you win? I have heard it described (brilliantly) as a bully, who initially shows itself as a friend, there to reassure you.
OCD and Health Anxiety are very similar, I read somewhere that they fall within the same category, or something like that (I am no expert). Common to both are the little rituals, the 2am Google session looking for reassurance, the many medical consultations and tests. Avoiding certain things is one of mine. I took time off work in order to avoid the things which triggered my worrying thoughts. The clothes washing was another. Whatever name you give it, it is very real. The stress can cause actual physical symptoms, or cause you to worry excessively about symptoms that you would normally (and sometimes rightly) dismiss as minor.
I am still a short distance down a long road. I am seeing my GP and a therapist. I still have bad days where the bully gets the better of me, but slowly I am learning to cope.
Thanks for your patience if you have managed to read all this. I just wanted to tell my story and hopefully help a few people in the process. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it may still be way off in the distance, but it is there.
Thanks again for reading,
Sam
Mine was triggered by an incident at work. I have always been a bit of a worrier, I tend to over analyse everything and can be prone to turning a relatively minor thing into a catastrophe. However this was different. It started with worrying that somehow I had made a poor decision, put others at risk unnecessarily. I had decided on a course of action which had risks attached, however inaction potentially had greater risks attached, I wont go into too much detail but the point is the decision was questioned. This caused many a sleepless night, anxiety, over analysis etc.
During this period Worries started to creep into my mind about the effect the incident may have had on my health, I started with a cough the day after. In the past, thoughts like this would last for perhaps 24 hours, sometimes even 48. These were different, each worry would lead into another and then another until I did the worst thing I could possibly do… Consulted Dr Google!
Doctor Google, all knowing, contradictory, basically tells you that you have every fatal illness going. Within minutes of my diagnosis I was thinking about all the things I wished I had done before my impending death. This may sound ridiculous, it does to me as I read it back, at the time though it felt very real. The problem is, anyone can publish anything on the internet. If you take the time to read it all (believe me I have) a lot of it is contradictory and very little is written by experts. Please take my word for this; if you take the time to look for yourself you may never sleep again. I visited the good doctor looking for reassurance, sometimes he can seem to be the only source of reassurance at 2am.
I didn’t get it, all I got was more worry and more questions.
This cycle continued for a couple of weeks, my behaviour at work became more and more odd. One afternoon I found myself checking my clothes for contaminants following an itching spell, it was pure genius, stick a piece of sticky tape to my trousers then hold it up to the light, I was sure to find the cause of my itching. The end result was plenty of strange looks from my colleagues, and a collection of sticky tape with fluff on it. I then decided I must have contaminated my car, my home and all my clothes. The answer to this one was to constantly bag up my clothing, wash it, shower and put on clean clothes. I used a lot of washing powder and felt no better. Next idea was to get the car professionally valeted, pure genius, this would stop all my clothes from getting contaminated. Wrong again, now I believed that the contents of my car were contaminated. I managed to stop short of throwing everything out. You can see the problem here. All the strange behaviours (or rituals) solved nothing, they just fed the obsession, reinforced the worrying thoughts.
As the weeks have gone on, I have had good days and bad days, some very dark days too. I have had another serious illness diagnosed by Dr Google, which led me back to a real doctor for tests, which proved that there was nothing wrong with me. Eventually I plucked up the courage to talk to a family member about this, as it turned out they had suffered from OCD in the past. The sense of relief was immense, I was not actually going mad. They had been through the same things, experienced the same behaviours. Don’t get me wrong this was not a miracle cure, it just convinced me I needed help.
OCD is like having an argument with yourself. It knows what you are thinking in order to reassure yourself, and exactly how to counter it. It knows your next move, how can you win? I have heard it described (brilliantly) as a bully, who initially shows itself as a friend, there to reassure you.
OCD and Health Anxiety are very similar, I read somewhere that they fall within the same category, or something like that (I am no expert). Common to both are the little rituals, the 2am Google session looking for reassurance, the many medical consultations and tests. Avoiding certain things is one of mine. I took time off work in order to avoid the things which triggered my worrying thoughts. The clothes washing was another. Whatever name you give it, it is very real. The stress can cause actual physical symptoms, or cause you to worry excessively about symptoms that you would normally (and sometimes rightly) dismiss as minor.
I am still a short distance down a long road. I am seeing my GP and a therapist. I still have bad days where the bully gets the better of me, but slowly I am learning to cope.
Thanks for your patience if you have managed to read all this. I just wanted to tell my story and hopefully help a few people in the process. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it may still be way off in the distance, but it is there.
Thanks again for reading,
Sam