PA's/Self-fulfilling Prophecy

[fran43]

Hi to everyone

I just do not know. In my lucid moments I feel that if I believe I will have a PA than a PA with occur (hence self-fulfilling prophecy).

I do not feel I am going to die, I know my muscle tension and shaking/trembling is due to severe anxiety, I tend do go the other way and blame every symptom on anxiety rather than of physicial origin.

I deeply fear four flights and waiting times in order to get back to the UK (in four days time). It is queues, being with strangers etc. I have been in the USA for 2 plus weeks and have done numerous theme parks etc and have felt so unreal. Add to that being tearful and totally fed up with how I feel, seeing my husband looking drawn (through lack of sleep as he is worried about me). I hate being irrational and irratated with my young son - he is just a child after all.

Having said that he sees the theme parks as go, go go!! I am not getting any younger and feel he sees me as useless/not needed any more. My kids have been my life and kept me going. In fact I feel redundant as a mum, not needed/wanted any more.

Perhaps that is depression speaking, perhaps it is severe anxiety. I do not know and I am sick and tired of trying to work out what is what.

Anyway, I guess yet again I have vented.

Take good care of yourself and each other.

Fran XX

[Dave777]

Hi Fran, I know this is tough for you but we are here for support.

You've got this far so you've acheived lots.

((((((((HUG))))))))

Davex



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

[mackncody]

Oh franie, Your children need their mother so much. Try not to worry about the flight. You will be fine. I'm sorry if this is a little dodgy as I have already taken my sleeping pill. Please try to relax and have fun and when you get ready to fly just go and do it and then think of all the good times you just had. [Wow!][Yeah!][:P][:O]:):D

If nothing else...I will survive.

To: SSJHSMH-U are light and my heart and strength. I will protect you in this life or the next always.

[Wenjoy]

Hi Franie
Dont worry - you are doing great as both a wife and a mother - my husband went through the first year of our marriage (24 years ago) with my bad PAs and agrophobia and I know he loves me as do my kids - who are now grown up. I know panic and anxiety stink but I am trying to stop analysisng it all the time and just living for the here and now and not dwellingon it. I am a bit depressed as well but trying to look at my hubby and children and think positive thoughts. Sorry if this sounds condescending - not meant to be but I have faith in you - you will come thru this I promise. Love wenjoy x

[fran43]

Thanks Dave, Mackncody and Wenjoy

There has not been one good moment here on holiday. What I am pleased about is my express laundry that is always done within 24 hours.

My husband looks really gaunt and that worries me. If I sleep with him but go downstairs in the middle of the night he wakes immediately.

I feel quilty that I have to lean on him for everything, shopping etc.

I want to get home right now. Having four transfer flights is way too much and the extra security means longer queues.

I will post later on as my son will be up soon.

Take good care of yourself and each other.

FranXX

[fran43]

Hi

Thanks for your replies. I guess my husband and kids do need me but at times I feel enough is enough, I cant take much more of this.

I may be wrong, despite issues at home to deal with when there. I feel I may be able to slow things down a little at home, especially using the forum for support. That has been impossible to do while on holiday. Rest days are not restful as I do laundry and have now started to pack suitcases and we still have four days left.

Tried to explain to hubby that it is to minimise anxiety as last minute rushes put me immediately into a PA.

Off to another theme park tomorrow - our son will be totally unbearable and demanding if we dont go.

I believe I am still in the depressive/deep anxiety stage, I strongly feel I do not matter but others do ie my husband, kids.

Currently my husband and son have gone shopping. I have washed and ironed clothes, packed my son's suitcase, put away dishes etc.

I have to believe this is temporary as the thought that it may be permanent would finish it for me.

I will post later as I feel so anxiety striken.

Take good care of yourselves and each other.

FranXX

[kazzie]

Hi fran, firstly well done on getting to usa to begin with and dont worry about being redundant as a mum!!!! This you will never be my kids are grown up now but keep me busier than ever!!! And your hubby will be fine too so concentrate on yourself and well done again luv kaz xxx ps let us know when you are back in blighty again!!! x

[fran43]

Hi Kazzie

Thanks for your post. I am so freaking out big time about packing, four transfer flights (Orlando, Cinncinati, Paris, Southampton and back home). It took us three days to get here because of delays and the attempted terrorist attacks have lengthened the queues. Coupled with the amount of days spent in theme parks and crowds. In recovery from anorexia, tranquilliser addiction, I have just had about enough with severe anxiety and depression.

I had hoped the theme parks, crowds, supermarkets etc would desensitise the PA's but they haven't.

Woke this morning with trembling hands and found muscle tension across back unbearable. However, I did put my husband and child first (as normal) and went. I cannot understand why I cant pat myself on the back for that one.

I so want to be home now. I feel that I will be able to concentrate more on stress management etc. That has not been possible on a 3 week holiday in the States.

Tonight I will try to watch some TV and be ready for yet another theme park tomorrow. I wonder if my husband and youngest are trying to do me in! We fly back Thursday but I dont know when we will arrive in the UK.

Take care of yourself.

Fran X