Terrible Anxiety when Hubby goes out...

[smithylou4]

Hi
I'm new to this site but this problem is really eating me up and I need to know if anyone else has these anxieties! I feel like I'm going mad.

Everytime my husband announces he is going out with friends/work - out drinking my anxiety comes on like a sudden lightening bolt! I want him to go out and have a good time etc, but whilst he's out I get worse and worse wondering what he's up to, I even start questioning is he the same person that I know when he's out with his friends as he is with me! I have it in my head that when he's out with friends he is a womaniser! He isn't at all, he tells me he only fancies me and he's not that type of guy but why can't I believe it?

Whilst he's out I'll sleep for a couple of hours then always wake around 2am and if he's not home by then I really panic, sometimes even have panic attacks. He is notorious for staying out late, drinking and forgetting time, some ocassions he hasn't come home at all til the morning, he's stayed over at a friends and not bothered to let me know.

He doesn't help my anxiety by doing this but always makes me feel like I am at fault and over reacting if I have a go in the morning. He says he doesnt see what the issue is, he goes out has a good time and he doesnt feel he should be made to feel guilty about it.

Ive tried to not get anxious when he's out but it just comes on. He went out yesterday to a meeting, but knows the guys he met and went for a few drinks, got home around midnight but my anxiety was so out of control I only slept for an hour last night!!

Please can anyone help, am I normal or being totally unreasonable?? I cant think straight anymore!! any advice would be much appreciated.

[susan1963]

hiya im like that aswell, i hate being on my own, i guess im scared that somethings going to happen to me, never does tho lol, i just try and occupy my mind by pottering around, it helps me

[smithylou4]

thank you, I try to keep myself occupied but doesn't always work! Its tough sometimes!

[hellybelly1982]

Hi there, How you doing? I dont think you are over reacting at all. If my husband didnt let me know where he was if he hadn't come home I would be furious. Yes it is important you both have your own space to do your own things. When my husband has gone out for his works christmas do I get anxious because I hate not being with him but he works hard and deserves to go out. Do you trust him? I think it's pretty outrageous really that he stays out all night some nights and doesnt let you know where he is, especially as he is aware of your anxiety condition. Everyone deserves some down time but in my view he is being selfish for not letting you know roughly when /if he will be home etc. If my husband was doing this I would feel exactly the same as you and my anxiety would be sky high. xx:hugs:

[ricardo]

I have to agree with helly and I believe you have a baby as well reading another thread of yours.

Your husband is being totally irresponsible especially with the anxiety you suffer. I think you ought to talk to him,even get angry (and watch your anxiety subside). I don't know the full facts but I would suggest you do that as I feel that you have doubts as to what he is actually doing. I don't wish to alarm you and I maybe totally wrong,but you obviously need help,and your husband should be the first to support you.

[Dizzydoll]

Im exactly the same as soon as he mentions it i go into panic mode n start thinking all sorts while hes out wot he cud b getting upto :-(

[smithylou4]

Thanks guys, and yes I do trust him totally. Its my insecurities and anxiety that think he might be getting up to stuff. He's not the type of guy to do anyhing as I know he loves me and my daughter very much so. But I do think he needs to be more considerate when he goes out, I guess he just sees going out as a break/release from me too as it must get too much for him at times, he does have a lot to put up with! We are going to couples counselling tho to help him to understand the anxiety and to help support me. He struggles to understand it.

Dizzydoll how do you deal with your anxiety when your hubby goes out and does he give you a rough idea of when he is likely to get back or does he always come home at a reasonable time?

[hellybelly1982]

Couples counselling sounds like a good idea if he is having trobule understanding what you are going through. I do still think he is out of order though for not letting you know roughly how long he will be out for and when he is going to be home. I just think thats quite selfish and I think most wives think the same. I suppose the best way of dealing with your anxiety when your husband goes out is to maybe treat yourself to a pamper night. Run a nice bath, eat some ice cream, watch some funny films (ideally with hot guys in them to cheer you up:biggrin:) and put your best jammies on.

[smithylou4]

thanks hellybelly thats really helpful advice. Yes he is selfish when he goes out and its something I will bring up at the counselling soon I think it will help having a thrid party there to help explain to him why its not fair.

Can I ask what happens when your hubby goes out, does he give you a time he'll be home and does he stay til early hours or is he home quite reasonable time? My hubby doesnt go out much so the trouble is when he does he tends to overdo it! But I do know it is out of order and everyone Ive spoken to thinks the same!

[hellybelly1982]

to be honest my hubby doesnt go out that much on his own, the only occasional time would be like I said before at his works christmas do. However when he has been out before he always lets me know where he might be going, when he will be back. If he thinks he will be later he rings or texts but the latest he would be home is about 11.30pm. Yes, defiently bring it up in the counselling session if you feel more confident talking about it with a third party there because he does need to realise his behaviour is unacceptable. Anxiety or no anxiety he shouldnt just be going out and not letting you know when he will be back and then some nights not coming at all. It would be enough to make anybody feel anxious, let alone people like us. When is your counselling session. He also shouldnt be using your anxiety as means to justify his behaviour, that is a very cruel thing to do. You are not over reaacting or being over anxious. It is perfectly reasonable to wonder what time your husband will be home and if he is going to be late where is he staying and when will he be back. Does he take his phone out with him? I know it might be hard for you to try and relax when he is out but like I said treat the night as your special night in.

[Tessar]

I must be lucky because it's pretty much the opposite way round, my partner doesnt go out that much. sometimes i'd actually like an evening on my own ..... but .... then when i get one, i feel lonely & disconnected! Cant win eh? I'm much better at tolerating my own company now. it used to freak me but i have learned that actually i can survive on my own.
i must admit, were i in your situation and my partner didnt come home without telling me - i would be worried. it does seem something tha tineeds pursuing as its not a nice situation to be in

[Dizzydoll]

Thanks guys, and yes I do trust him totally. Its my insecurities and anxiety that think he might be getting up to stuff. He's not the type of guy to do anyhing as I know he loves me and my daughter very much so. But I do think he needs to be more considerate when he goes out, I guess he just sees going out as a break/release from me too as it must get too much for him at times, he does have a lot to put up with! We are going to couples counselling tho to help him to understand the anxiety and to help support me. He struggles to understand it.

Dizzydoll how do you deal with your anxiety when your hubby goes out and does he give you a rough idea of when he is likely to get back or does he always come home at a reasonable time?

Hey smithylou to take my mind off it i normaly invite a friend round so im not on my own or make sure ive plenty to watch on tv but this dont help me really either as i feel i cant cincentrate on ne thing else. i normally ask him for a rough time he will be bk and if it goes over that time my anxiety gets worse. i feel so guilty though as he hardly ever goes out and i feel i make him feel bad about going out but i cant help it my anxiety strikes immediatly :-(

[trish1955]

in all honesty i think what yr husband does adds to yr anxiety i no i have been there many times my husband and i lived apart for yrs we had not split up just lived apart for reason i wont go into but when we moved back in together and he was out with mates all hours my anxiey and panic was higher than it had been for years that was 2000 he carried on this way till 2005 then we had to move away and he stopped going out but 5yrs of being ground down took its toll i never said how i felt i was just releaved when he came in and to be honest being dependant on yr partner some times makes me feel trapped as if they know you need them so you are not going to leave them no matter what they do sad but true take care