eman
10-11-12, 04:34
Let me start by telling you guys that I am a male, and I am 24 years old. I am really more interested in understanding why this has happened to me, and what it is, than just relationship advice, because this "curse" will stay with me no matter what happens between me and her.
Now, I really need to understand what is going on with me. Some people have told me what I've gone through is a panic attack, but that alone doesn't explain it for me. I have these moments, that from any medical description, resemble a panic attack, but they only happen in relation to a girl who I would be in a relationship with. This last time has really made everything feel hopeless for me, so I want to share it with you guys while I wait for my local hospital to call me to setup an appointment with a therapist. (which could take months)
So here's my story. I used to be happy to see my girlfriend every day, I used to want nothing but to spend every day with her, bonding with her. She was always on my mind, and the thoughts were always good. I used to love holding her, hugging her, kissing her, and cuddling with her, talking to her, having sex with her, and just being close. We used to do everything together and it was great. Now here's where the "panic attack" came in.
The thing is, I've always thought this was heartbreak, but that never made sense, and I still can't explain it. One night, about 3 weeks ago, I was lying in bed texting her, right before we both went to sleep. We got into an argument, that led to a fight, and it was over stupid things. We were both in bad moods that day already because of unrelated things that happened to us separately earlier. I feel like I should tell you guys now that I've always been suffering with depression and anxiety, and have been on 30mg of citalopram for years.
She said things that night that I took the wrong way, which raised my anxiety and fears of the relationship ending. So I guess it was my insecurities that caused the fighting. When it ended, instead of the regular good night or <3 all I got was a message telling me off, then she shut her phone off. Now, obviously she was angry with me, but she wasn't breaking up with me. In fact, the next day she apologized, I apologized, and she was happy to see me as usual, she called it a silly fight, which it was, and we should of both just gotten over it, like she did. For me though, something happened that night.
After she shut her phone off that night, my brain starting racing with thoughts of an end, a loss, and a confirmation of my fears. I felt the back of my neck, my shoulders, and my upper back, burn then freeze as I started sweating all over. My heart started racing, my breathing picked up pace, I got dizzy, sort of had a squeezing feeling on my head, and my heart started to ache, then sting. My heartbeat, though beating fast, was beating irregularly. Also, my stomach ached, I felt sick and wanted to vomit. I've been through this before, and as always, it's caused by a girl I'm in a relationship with. I've always considered it to be heartbreak, but I don't think it is anymore. It lasted for 20 minutes, then died down as I focused on my breathing. But my mind was in a dark place, and I felt terrible still. I tried to go to sleep, but every time I tried, my heart just ached so much.
Eventually I did, and that takes us to the next day. She was smiling, she was happy to see me. We apologized. She did everything she could to make it up to me that day. Though it didn't matter, because I felt like a zombie. I wasn't happy to see her, I didn't feel close to her, and her hugging me made me want to push away. Not to mention, any good thoughts of us in the future made my heart sting. And just being around her raised my anxiety, my heartbeat, and made me sweat again. I felt like I was in the state of that whole episode for 2 weeks. I even spent the first 3 days just sleeping really, and avoiding her. I talked to my doctor, and he prescribed me lorazepam which I took every day ending a few days ago. It helped me with the heart racing, and the sweating, but really nothing else. I felt like I was done with her.
The love we shared, she still has it as she always did, but for me it was drained away. I avoid her, I ignore her, I don't feel like doing anything with her. That connection is just gone. My thoughts about her in the morning and when I'm away from her are generally bad. Things you'd think of you want to break up with someone, but I don't want that. When I do spend time with her, I go quiet a lot, and my mind basically shuts down. No thoughts, just a mental block. Now also, another thing that has happened since that day is, I don't find her attractive anymore sexually. I mean, she is attractive, but not to me anymore. I can't get aroused to the thought of her, or even enjoy sex with her. The first week or two after that actually, whenever she wanted sex I felt heart ache and and stomach sickness. The worst thing is, she's noticed the change, and has been hurt by it, and has tried to push me away. But when she does, my heart aches and I miss her, I get sad and I fight for her to stay.
When she does stay though, I let her down because I've changed. And it's all because of that one night, and what happened to me. I don't understand it, and every day since then I've wished I could go back to how I was before. I want to have strong feelings for her like I've always had, I want to be happy with her again, and feel sexually attracted to her like I used to be. This same thing has ruined relationships in the past and I really need answers.
Now, I really need to understand what is going on with me. Some people have told me what I've gone through is a panic attack, but that alone doesn't explain it for me. I have these moments, that from any medical description, resemble a panic attack, but they only happen in relation to a girl who I would be in a relationship with. This last time has really made everything feel hopeless for me, so I want to share it with you guys while I wait for my local hospital to call me to setup an appointment with a therapist. (which could take months)
So here's my story. I used to be happy to see my girlfriend every day, I used to want nothing but to spend every day with her, bonding with her. She was always on my mind, and the thoughts were always good. I used to love holding her, hugging her, kissing her, and cuddling with her, talking to her, having sex with her, and just being close. We used to do everything together and it was great. Now here's where the "panic attack" came in.
The thing is, I've always thought this was heartbreak, but that never made sense, and I still can't explain it. One night, about 3 weeks ago, I was lying in bed texting her, right before we both went to sleep. We got into an argument, that led to a fight, and it was over stupid things. We were both in bad moods that day already because of unrelated things that happened to us separately earlier. I feel like I should tell you guys now that I've always been suffering with depression and anxiety, and have been on 30mg of citalopram for years.
She said things that night that I took the wrong way, which raised my anxiety and fears of the relationship ending. So I guess it was my insecurities that caused the fighting. When it ended, instead of the regular good night or <3 all I got was a message telling me off, then she shut her phone off. Now, obviously she was angry with me, but she wasn't breaking up with me. In fact, the next day she apologized, I apologized, and she was happy to see me as usual, she called it a silly fight, which it was, and we should of both just gotten over it, like she did. For me though, something happened that night.
After she shut her phone off that night, my brain starting racing with thoughts of an end, a loss, and a confirmation of my fears. I felt the back of my neck, my shoulders, and my upper back, burn then freeze as I started sweating all over. My heart started racing, my breathing picked up pace, I got dizzy, sort of had a squeezing feeling on my head, and my heart started to ache, then sting. My heartbeat, though beating fast, was beating irregularly. Also, my stomach ached, I felt sick and wanted to vomit. I've been through this before, and as always, it's caused by a girl I'm in a relationship with. I've always considered it to be heartbreak, but I don't think it is anymore. It lasted for 20 minutes, then died down as I focused on my breathing. But my mind was in a dark place, and I felt terrible still. I tried to go to sleep, but every time I tried, my heart just ached so much.
Eventually I did, and that takes us to the next day. She was smiling, she was happy to see me. We apologized. She did everything she could to make it up to me that day. Though it didn't matter, because I felt like a zombie. I wasn't happy to see her, I didn't feel close to her, and her hugging me made me want to push away. Not to mention, any good thoughts of us in the future made my heart sting. And just being around her raised my anxiety, my heartbeat, and made me sweat again. I felt like I was in the state of that whole episode for 2 weeks. I even spent the first 3 days just sleeping really, and avoiding her. I talked to my doctor, and he prescribed me lorazepam which I took every day ending a few days ago. It helped me with the heart racing, and the sweating, but really nothing else. I felt like I was done with her.
The love we shared, she still has it as she always did, but for me it was drained away. I avoid her, I ignore her, I don't feel like doing anything with her. That connection is just gone. My thoughts about her in the morning and when I'm away from her are generally bad. Things you'd think of you want to break up with someone, but I don't want that. When I do spend time with her, I go quiet a lot, and my mind basically shuts down. No thoughts, just a mental block. Now also, another thing that has happened since that day is, I don't find her attractive anymore sexually. I mean, she is attractive, but not to me anymore. I can't get aroused to the thought of her, or even enjoy sex with her. The first week or two after that actually, whenever she wanted sex I felt heart ache and and stomach sickness. The worst thing is, she's noticed the change, and has been hurt by it, and has tried to push me away. But when she does, my heart aches and I miss her, I get sad and I fight for her to stay.
When she does stay though, I let her down because I've changed. And it's all because of that one night, and what happened to me. I don't understand it, and every day since then I've wished I could go back to how I was before. I want to have strong feelings for her like I've always had, I want to be happy with her again, and feel sexually attracted to her like I used to be. This same thing has ruined relationships in the past and I really need answers.