Life experience and situational depression

[p_diva3xua]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and would like some help and suggestions.
Until I got married 25 years ago, I was pretty upbeat and motivated. However, my life married to a controlling and jealous man has slowly worn me down. I was too frightened to divorce him and stayed for the sake of my child who is now 20 and suffering from anxiety and OCD/ADHD and relies on me, which has also worn me down and I thought by now I would have been able to have some independence. My husband left 10 years ago but visited me all the time to keep an eye on his son and we remained married. We got divorced this year (I made an excuse because of money situation) but he still visits nearly every night even though I have told him not to. There is no affection between us.
I am now 55 and have lost most of my friends due to his influence on me. I sit alone downstairs and my son upstairs most nights when my husband doesn't appear. I live miles away from what's left of my family and my home city and feel vey isolated. I want to move back there and spend most of my time looking at property listings there. I also obsess over my first boyfriend and often stand in the mirror pulling out grey hairs until I am going thin on top. I am only happy when I am at work, but I don't make friends there because we teach and are isolated with our students and then rush off home. I can't be bothered phoning to my sister who also has depression.
I have tried to make friends nearby online but the one I found wasn't my type. I'd love to go for days out, nights out and travel abroad. I'm not short of money. BUT IT'S ALL TOO MUCH! I HAVEN'T GOT THE ENERGY ANYMORE AND EACH MORNING WHEN I WAKE UP I SAY 'ONE DAY CLOSER TO DEATH'. I keep counting the years I've got left and think, well, it doesn't matter anyway. I no longer have the interest in things I used to love and sit about most of the time when not working.
I don't want to take tablets. What should I do?

Sorry to go on.

[fozzy is crying]

:welcome:
:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[nomorepanic]

Hi p_diva3xua

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[Annie0904]

Hi, I really think you should go to speak to your doctor. You say you don't want to take medication but it can help and maybe your doctor could also refer you for counseling. Sending you :hugs::hugs: x

[kittikat]

Hello & :welcome:

You are not alone here. I hope you get the help & support you need :hugs:

Kitti :)

[Edie]

You've been in a bad situation for a long time. Stress over a long period can deplete your brain of the normal chemicals. Sometimes medication can help put the imbalance right. I see medication as a bit like a crutch. It won't fix your problems, but it can relieve the worst of your symptoms and help you get things sorted out. Medication is not right for everyone, and if you're uncomfortable with it then it's probably not for you, but maybe you can at least speak to your doctor about the options, and make an educated decision.

Moving closer to your family seems a very sensible idea. You could have more social contact with people who already love you, and maybe some support with your son. There will be more social opportunities generally in a city, such as classes or clubs you could join. Possibly even mental health social groups, which can be a gentle approach to starting socialising again after so long. Would your family support you in moving house?

Sending you lots of hugs :hugs: Life shouldn't have to be this hard.