Pregnancy and panic!

[starlight78]

Hi ladies,
I would really value hearing about people's experiences of pregnancy if they have anxiety disorders.
I have had anxiety and OCD symptoms for a long time, recent bad relapse, but getting there.
I would so love to start a family with my husband, but I am anxious about how I will cope. The thought of pregnancy is both wonderful and terrifying to me. I fear being pregnant and totally out of control of my body. I have claustrophobia and whilst I think pregnancy is a beautiful gift, I fear I will freak out and get obsessive about wanting 'it out!'.
The thought of having something growing inside of me freaks me out sometimes and at other times I feel that it would be incredible to be carrying our child.
In scared of not having the safety net of medication and also, and I know this sounds really stupid, I fear that I won't have the ultimate escape of ending my life. I'm ashamed to say that, but sometimes it helps me to know that I have some control over something... But obviously I would never do that to an unborn child.
I hope I haven't upset anyone. I would so value hearing from others who have struggled and beaten this.
Hugs and best wishes x x

[Badger74]

Hi Starlight

Sorry but I can't help; but just wanted to say that i feel exactly the same as you and hope you'll get some replies as i'd be reallly interested to see how others have coped.
My fear is that everything would get so much worse during and after the birth and that i really woulnd't be able to cope. I was a wreck when we got our puppy and that was just a few weeks of sleepless nights and the weight of the responsibility dawning on me :blush:

[starlight78]

Lol, I remember having a huge panic after getting my dog!

Thank you for your kind reply x x

[Angelai]

Ok, being honest... my pregnancy was not good at all (have just replied to another thread on the subject) and the first 6 months with my baby were pretty awful too. BUT I did get over it. The most important thing is to be prepared to maybe feel worse (you never know, it might make you feel better?) and ask for help when you need it.

I have a real issue with control, and I also can't cope with responsibilities - the sleepless nights did me no good whatsoever. But I got help. And it was the little things that lit up my day - like when my baby son started reaching out for whatever I was eating, it felt so lovely to give it to him (depending on what it was of course!). It was like, wow, I actually WANT to give him things. Maybe that sounds odd, hard to describe. As he got older, that constant 'mummy! mummy! muuuuummmmmmyyy!' that sometimes drove me insane - I caught myself saying 'I'm going to change my name!', which reminded me that my mum used to say the same thing to me - that made me smile and giggle, I was actually behaving like a 'normal' mum. All parents have hundreds of stories and little things they could tell you to show you how worth it having a child is - you don't need to hear that, you already know it.

So yes, at times (a lot of the time) it was hell on earth. But I never felt that I wanted him out of me when I was pregnant (although I did feel like a host to a parasite at times) and at times I hated him for being so dependent on me (wow, that was honest...). Just remember this - you are not alone, and if you can't cope you can get help. And you know what? Babies/children are a great distraction from our internal voices, often you can't hear those over the screams, crying... and laughter.

Losing your safety net - I understand that. I am an incredibly selfish person, and stuggled for years with having to put someone else's needs first. But that's something most of us will just do when it comes to our children.

Don't be scared, look at having a baby as a chance of a new start in your life... when you're ready.

:hugs:

[starlight78]

Thank you so much for your honesty Angela, it was so helpful to hear your experiences.
X x