damndamnboi
16-08-06, 02:30
Previously i was diagnoised of Ocd for repitative washing of body parts. The symptoms went away soon after taking prozac and i stopped the medication without medical consultation. After one year,I was diagnoised of having pure-O and resumed my prozac medication. But this time it came with depression and depersonalization because i am so worried and frightened by those thoughts. The thoughts are basically as follows; i will think of (an image or word or anything) and later on i will be worried that that image or word that comes to my mind previously will linger in my mind forever. It may sound ridiculous to somebody, by to me, it was a nightmare. I begin to these images and words stuck in my mind all day. Each time these images and words comes to my mind, the notation that "this image or word will linger in my mind forever" is further reinforced and proven. In other words this frighteneing concept is able to reinforce itself more and more. Its sort of like standing between two mirrors and seeing infinte reflections in the mirrors. When these thougts cames, the frightening worry is reinforced and i becomes more frightened and worrying, so it comes more and more frequently in my mind and this further reinforces the worry. Knowing that this is a self-reinforcing worry never reduce my anxiety level, instead i begin even more anxious about it because it seems like i am trapped in a Labyrinth in which i am conscious that i am trapped but there is no way that i can find the way out of it. Subsequently, being "trapped", i start to worry about my social relationships, my academy and my daily life. Everytime i start a conversation with someone, i will recall being trapped in the Labyrinth, and by thinking of this realized i am really trapped in the Labyrinth already and so i try to find my way out but couldn't, and all of a sudden the conversation was interrupted becoz i become obsessed with the Labyrinth and literally "freezed" infront of my friends. So i stopped all my socializing because i am worried that people will find me weird. Later on when i go on to my studies, i begin to have great difficulties concentrating, becoz i am always realizing that i m trapped in the labyrinth. i realized that it is nearly impossible for me to prevent myself from getting into that Labyrinth since evertime i realized about myself being in the Labyrinth, i am already in the Labyrinth, or simply put once i think of that Labyrinth, i am trapped, and the dilemma is that it will not be possible for me to realize that the Labyrinth is coming and then to stop it from coming sicne realizing it or thinking that it is coming itself already means that the Labyrinth has approached. So i begin thinking about how to find my way out of the Labyrinth each time it comes since i cant prevent it from coming. But it seems like i cant outlogic the Labyrinth and find my way out because i realized that if i were to be "truly" out of the labyrinth, i will be unconscious that i am out of it, becoz knowing that you are out of the Labyrinth actually means that you are still in the Labyrinth. This is somewhat like the dilemma for insomia, if you know you are asleep, you are in actual fact not asleep coz you wouldn't know that you are asleep if you are truly asleep. Knowing this i become even more worried and anxious. I am also depressed for realizing that there is no way of preventing the labyrinth from coming and no way that i can get out of it once it comes. So i try even harder to outlogic it, and every single time i tried to outlogic it, the labyrinth becomes more complicated and harder to unlock and i become more and more anxious and depressed. All forms of contradictions and paradoxes(from the paradox of time travel to the contradictions about consciousness, about tip of the tongue phenomenon)starts to enter the picture, and at its worst, i feel as though i have lost control of my mind and my brain is literally malfunctioning. I find myself stuck in an excessive amount of self-debates on this paradoxes and contracdictions and my ability to understand academic concept