Madgirl12
11-11-12, 21:14
Been meaning to post this but I've had internet issues lately.
Last weekend I went for lunch with friends. This involved a trip to a big city, which I hate doing, with all the bustle and smokers etc. We found a place to eat and sat down, then it was catch up time.
These 3 particular friends all went to university and this is something I always feel bad about: that I never went to university. I was never encouraged to go, my parents never went and would not have supported me anyway and it was always expected that I would get a job (in an office, of course) and I feel in a way that I've missed out. On the achieving side of things, the social side, the opportunities. I've done things, I've travelled and had interesting experiences and I'm not thick but I always come back to this. I know we shouldn't dwell on the past but I always do.
Anyway, one of my friends was talking about how she is thinking of starting her own law business and another one was talking about the launch of her first book. And there's me, the admin person sitting with these ambitious people and feeling like I'm a bit of dirt on their shoes - ok, not really but I feel like I've not achieved much in comparison. It started eating away at me. I even thought, why on earth are we friends?
I just felt it building up in me. The comparisons between them and me. The feeling worthless. The heat in the place was getting to me as well, so I quickly popped some painkillers and went to the toilet, where I blew my nose did some breathing and tried to calm down. I hoped they'd not noticed how long I'd been away for.
I felt better when I emerged. Lunch had arrived. So the talk ceased for a while as we ate. But I still had the thoughts in my head.
Then, a few nights later I had a panicky episode in bed. I can normally sleep easily enough but for some reason that night it just popped into my head. "Next year you will be 35. THIRTY FIVE. You're going to be thirty-five and you're single. You're alone, you have no-one. Nobody wants you. You're getting older and uglier and you're single" I started to feel really panicky, throat closing up. Old age and illness is something I worry about, although turning another year older has never really bothered me that much. But I hate being single, I really do. I'm sorry but it just sucks. I know there's bigger things in the world but being surrounded by couples and feeling like you're a worthless nobody who a guy won't even date isn't fun. I was glad when it eventually wore off and I got to sleep.
How is it some people seem to sail through life and I struggle so much?
Last weekend I went for lunch with friends. This involved a trip to a big city, which I hate doing, with all the bustle and smokers etc. We found a place to eat and sat down, then it was catch up time.
These 3 particular friends all went to university and this is something I always feel bad about: that I never went to university. I was never encouraged to go, my parents never went and would not have supported me anyway and it was always expected that I would get a job (in an office, of course) and I feel in a way that I've missed out. On the achieving side of things, the social side, the opportunities. I've done things, I've travelled and had interesting experiences and I'm not thick but I always come back to this. I know we shouldn't dwell on the past but I always do.
Anyway, one of my friends was talking about how she is thinking of starting her own law business and another one was talking about the launch of her first book. And there's me, the admin person sitting with these ambitious people and feeling like I'm a bit of dirt on their shoes - ok, not really but I feel like I've not achieved much in comparison. It started eating away at me. I even thought, why on earth are we friends?
I just felt it building up in me. The comparisons between them and me. The feeling worthless. The heat in the place was getting to me as well, so I quickly popped some painkillers and went to the toilet, where I blew my nose did some breathing and tried to calm down. I hoped they'd not noticed how long I'd been away for.
I felt better when I emerged. Lunch had arrived. So the talk ceased for a while as we ate. But I still had the thoughts in my head.
Then, a few nights later I had a panicky episode in bed. I can normally sleep easily enough but for some reason that night it just popped into my head. "Next year you will be 35. THIRTY FIVE. You're going to be thirty-five and you're single. You're alone, you have no-one. Nobody wants you. You're getting older and uglier and you're single" I started to feel really panicky, throat closing up. Old age and illness is something I worry about, although turning another year older has never really bothered me that much. But I hate being single, I really do. I'm sorry but it just sucks. I know there's bigger things in the world but being surrounded by couples and feeling like you're a worthless nobody who a guy won't even date isn't fun. I was glad when it eventually wore off and I got to sleep.
How is it some people seem to sail through life and I struggle so much?