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12-11-12, 03:13
Hi! =) It's taken me a lot to write this so please, please please plase read it if you have the time, and maybe you'll be able to help! I'm a young (22) y.o. girl with a loving family and my whole life ahead of me. Appart from my own mind, I've never any major problems in my life. I don't hit all criteria for any particular diagnosis, the one thing all doctors agree on is depression. Here's what I do feel:
I'm disturbed with intrusive thoughts and feelings that make me feel guilty and ashamed beyond words. I feel disgusting, sick and like I am loosing my mind, wich crushes my self-esteem and leaves me feeling like the sickest person on earth. I know rationally I am actually a very good and kind person. I had really good self-esteem and used to be sure of myself, and now I'm the opposite of that. I have no other OCD symptoms. Talking to my (former) therapist about this and doing some past-life therapy (man I've tried all sorts of things) have led me to believe I was abused as a child and can't remember it, but I don't know if this happened or not. I seem to have a lot of symptoms related to this kind of situation and PTSD without the trauma itself! Even writing this right now is killing me a little bit, as there are words I can't write or say out loud, I just can't.
I am terrified of life, EVERYTHING just seems like a horrible mess. I desperatly overthink and search for a meaning in things, like, Why do atrocities happend everyday? Why is there so much violence? What is the point of all this? I do believe in God (in a sense of something above us) but I don't get what we're supposed to do. People tell me "It's a part of life" or "we're on this planet to learn from difficulties" but that just makes me feel like I can't live like this. Trying to stop thinking about this stuff and "just live" doesn't work. I know a lot of people ask themselves the same things and that's normal, but, for me, it's stopping me from living. I can't really control it.
I have developed crippling social anxiety to the point where someone 'staring' at me in a photograph makes me nervous. I say develop because I think the anxiety is a symptom of a previous thing: I feel like I'm not able to connect to people normally, just talking to people in general, even people I love, feels VERY uncomfortable; I feel horrible and disturbed even talking to my parents or my very best friend. It's been like this and getting worse for 3 years now, so basically it's been 3 years since the last time I felt comfortable and at ease. I feel like I'm always acting and have to make a huge effort to connect with myself when I'm speaking, or sometimes just out in public. That with some late-night feeling of being lost and not knowing who I am led me to being diagnosed with depersonalization, but talking to other people who recieved this diagnosis, I learned I don't feel like a typical patient of depersonalization.
Feeling like I'm not in control of my mind and don't know for certain I am myself, or who I am, makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I have this moments where I feel like myself and know everything is going to be OK, but they are becoming more and more rare. Now I'm at risk of losing something I worked REALLY hard to achieve, basically I can loose the one thing I still had, since I lost most of my friends and feel uncomfortable engaging in pratically any activity. Basicaly it's come to a point where I just sit by myself and feel terrible, and that's all I do. I need help with my mind and the way I see things. Does anyone else feel like this? Thank you so much in advance! Sorry for the long post and english errors! Oh I'm on wellbutrin and lamotrigine by the way, I'd be wort without them, but they're not much help.
I'm disturbed with intrusive thoughts and feelings that make me feel guilty and ashamed beyond words. I feel disgusting, sick and like I am loosing my mind, wich crushes my self-esteem and leaves me feeling like the sickest person on earth. I know rationally I am actually a very good and kind person. I had really good self-esteem and used to be sure of myself, and now I'm the opposite of that. I have no other OCD symptoms. Talking to my (former) therapist about this and doing some past-life therapy (man I've tried all sorts of things) have led me to believe I was abused as a child and can't remember it, but I don't know if this happened or not. I seem to have a lot of symptoms related to this kind of situation and PTSD without the trauma itself! Even writing this right now is killing me a little bit, as there are words I can't write or say out loud, I just can't.
I am terrified of life, EVERYTHING just seems like a horrible mess. I desperatly overthink and search for a meaning in things, like, Why do atrocities happend everyday? Why is there so much violence? What is the point of all this? I do believe in God (in a sense of something above us) but I don't get what we're supposed to do. People tell me "It's a part of life" or "we're on this planet to learn from difficulties" but that just makes me feel like I can't live like this. Trying to stop thinking about this stuff and "just live" doesn't work. I know a lot of people ask themselves the same things and that's normal, but, for me, it's stopping me from living. I can't really control it.
I have developed crippling social anxiety to the point where someone 'staring' at me in a photograph makes me nervous. I say develop because I think the anxiety is a symptom of a previous thing: I feel like I'm not able to connect to people normally, just talking to people in general, even people I love, feels VERY uncomfortable; I feel horrible and disturbed even talking to my parents or my very best friend. It's been like this and getting worse for 3 years now, so basically it's been 3 years since the last time I felt comfortable and at ease. I feel like I'm always acting and have to make a huge effort to connect with myself when I'm speaking, or sometimes just out in public. That with some late-night feeling of being lost and not knowing who I am led me to being diagnosed with depersonalization, but talking to other people who recieved this diagnosis, I learned I don't feel like a typical patient of depersonalization.
Feeling like I'm not in control of my mind and don't know for certain I am myself, or who I am, makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I have this moments where I feel like myself and know everything is going to be OK, but they are becoming more and more rare. Now I'm at risk of losing something I worked REALLY hard to achieve, basically I can loose the one thing I still had, since I lost most of my friends and feel uncomfortable engaging in pratically any activity. Basicaly it's come to a point where I just sit by myself and feel terrible, and that's all I do. I need help with my mind and the way I see things. Does anyone else feel like this? Thank you so much in advance! Sorry for the long post and english errors! Oh I'm on wellbutrin and lamotrigine by the way, I'd be wort without them, but they're not much help.