i want to eat

[befuddled1]

Lost about five or six stone or something since i don't know april...please don't congratulate me...never wanted to be obsessing over food and calorie counting and having guilt about eating stuff...got enough anxiety and rubbish in my life don't need it over this too...
i want to eat i want to flippin eat
i don't know how i am going to cope the rest of my life without being able to overeat
i don't need these rules
i don't need any shoulds or shouldn'ts
i don't want to engage with the diet talk of other people
it's not about the fricking diet
it's about being some kind of healthy
but now i'm failing at it
i don't want to fight myself all my life
i don't want to put on weight and people to notice
so many have noticed that i've lost
i don't want to put it on in case they notice
i don't want to lose value or respect
i don't want to be this person
i want to fricking eat
i miss the me that overeats
i know her
i know that comfort
i know that way of thinking
it is part of me
i don't want to lose it
i don't don't don't want any any any guilt about overeating
it. was. never. about. that.
i don't want eating to be hard
everything else is hard
i don't want to think too hard about it
i don't want to disrespect the me that overate by judging myself for overeating now
i don't need that guilt
it is from the wrong wrong wrong place in terms of values
i want to eat

[BobbyDog]

You need to speak to your GP about this, you are going from one eating disorder to another. I can understand your situation as I slipped between anorexia and bulimia in my teens and twenties. It was all anxiety related for me. I don't know if you have had CBT to get to the route of the problem and also to give you coping strategies, but it would probably help you. You need to stop feeling guilty about what you are doing, it is a common problem.

[befuddled1]

Thanks for the response. It wasn't my best articulated post. My mind seems to get stuck on things and lately it seems to be stuck on food and weight. I am so terrified of putting it all back on, as if it is completely out of my control...I will suddenly be much heavier and I won't know how it happened...but would it really be so bad. I just need to not have daily battles with myself about food...there is enough stuff to battle about. Sometimes lately I have gone back to a feeling that food is my way out and my comfort and all that I am aiming for....when I am somewhere I am not quite comfortable I think of being alone with multiple food choices available to me and that is what I want. In that version of reality food is all that matters and is somehow free from other judgemental associations and complexities...it's hard to explain...it also has something to do with a sort of boredom I think.
I have had sooo many comments on losing weight. I say this not in a boastful way but because I have some shock at the sheer number of people who comment. People I bearly even know. Especially people at work. People say I look 'great' 'fab', tell me my uniform looks like a tent. This week I passed a couple of dieticians I'd not seen for a while in the corridor and I knew what was coming...sure enough it was announced to me how well I looked. People are so congratulatory about this. At first I managed to filter it out because it was never about the weight loss and I would fend them off by saying 'it won't last'. Now they seem to have brought me round to their way of thinking and I accept the compliments and express gratitude but underneath I think it's somehow all unhelpful. I appreciate the positive feedback but I think it somehow feeds into an attitude or idea about the relationship of appearance to a person's value that I dislike. Also, there's something about getting things right...as if the healthy diet and body image is an idea we MUST all strive for and if we do not we are getting something wrong....
I saw some people I hadn't seen for a while last night. Several of them commented on my weight loss and some showed great pleasedness at it. One told me several times I was half the woman I was. I struggled with deciding what to eat and she told me she was sure I could afford a piece of chocolate cake being half the woman I was. Later I ate half a piece of chocolate cake but couldn't enjoy it for being too focused on it and then I couldn't sleep because there was half a piece of chocolate cake in my room.

[camperlady]

get help now for this before it goes too far, my daughter is just recovering following nearly 3 years of anorexia, where at her worst she was only 5.5 stone n was in the priory clinic in bury for 3 months, i feel that if she had got help earlier it could have been avoided, so, pleeeze, dont delay, see your gp xxxx :hugs:

[Anxious_gal]

You still sound logical.
I've heard anorexics who were deep into, maybe too far to be helped.
Start getting help now before it takes over!

Even going on a diet can trigger off an eating disorder.
I think some therapy can help to have a better relashionship with food and yourself.

Being slim or pretty really isn't the holy grail.
Beibg healthy is!!!
There's soooo much more to life than how you look.
We went put here on this earth to look pretty for other people.