Intrusive thoughts are ruining my life!

[Gembob]

Hi everyone. I'm 21 and I'm a new mum to a beautiful nearly 7 month old son. The first 6 months have been amazing but all has changed since a disturbing dream I had about my son about 6 weeks ago. Ever since this dream I feel myself being very anxious about ridiculous things. At first it was me in these thoughts and now it's my son aswel. I have awful visions of him being taken from me and me being sent to a mental home! I have visions of him being snatched from his buggy, taken in a van or being abused (influenced by the news) now I know these are unlikely to happen but when I'm in that state of panic it's hard to escape from them.

3 days ago I had a real bad day where my thoughts turned to me hurting my son. I can reassure anyone that wouldn't happen but the fact I had these thoughts have absolutely ruined me. I feel disconnected to my son ad it's breaking my heart. Sometimes, I can't even look at him as it hurts too much. Some of the visions I has had are truly horrendous like someone hanging him and me finding him which makes me physically sick. Iv lost almost a stone I can't eat. My shoulders and neck are so sore from brig do tense.

Iv been on citalopram for 14 days (20mg) but I'm sure they are making me worse. Iv starting seeing a councillor too and iv joined the gym to help myself.

I can deal with the physical affects if anxiety like the tension and tiredness etc but I can't deal with these thoughts. I look in the mirror and no longer recognise myself. I miss my bond with my son. How do I get out of this dark dark place?

Thank you.

[Laurenita]

I'm in the exact same position as you, however I haven't started to take meds yet. I've heard amazing things about citalopram; it really is one of the best thing for intrusive thoughts :) remember if you remain positive, things really will get better. Step by step. I'm having a really difficult time at the moment, I'm worrying every single second of every day. But sometimes I have little break-throughs, like now. I'm off out now, but if you private message me, I'll be sure to help you through this. We can help each other x

[Gembob]

It's come on so suddenly and out of the blue. I keep asking why me? Every day is a constant battle with my mind and emotions. Iv read A few posts that are similar so it's comforting that others feel the same way yet were not going mental lol. Do you have children? How long have you been feeling this way? X

[Sparkle1984]

Welcome to the forums Gembob.

Sorry to hear you are suffering so much from intrusive thoughts. I think the important thing to realise is that you're not going to act on the thoughts. Here is a good website about how to handle intrusive thoughts: http://www.panic-and-anxiety-attacks.com/intrusive-thoughts/

Hopefully your citalopram will kick in soon. After 3 weeks I started to feel a lot better but it wasn't until Week 11 that I started to get the full effects.

[belindalorraine]

i have these horrendous thoughts i also find i could deal with the anxiety but very disturbed by these thoughts

[Col]

My post on thread ~ terrified I'm going mad, ( read if bored) basically is very similar to what your experiencing, listening to the news and having thoughts that anyone could do awful things to my children including me. Very very scary , guilt sickening , why am I thinking this , it just clouded every thing I did m awful awful!
Just want to say I can really relate & if it's any consolation your not alone, post anytime u need to chat, because I really really do understand what your experiencing !:hugs:

[starlight78]

These type of thoughts are so so common in new parents. Most people can shake them off, but a tired anxious mind holds on to them, trying to understand why they are there.

I read a fantastic book anxiety disorders in pregnancy and post partum. Deals exactly with what you are mentioning! Try and google it, def worth a read.

Remember intrusive thoughts are always ego dystonic I.e they are totally inconsistent with your personality... Quite literally the opposite of you!
Try as much as possible to enjoy your baby, be near him even when you are anxious and having intrusive thoughts x x

[Col]

Ahh starlight I once said too someone, surely if we get so wound up and down/ distressed about these thoughts shows that, we have a huge conscience and stress because we would never carry out any of the thoughts we are having and that basically, its when you stop worrying when you really do have a problem! That was just my thoughts on it, at the time! I had know idea that this was actually true and these thoughts are known as - Dystonic, I have never come accross this term before! Love your post , it offers reassurance that this has been medically/ phycologically identified! I suffered as does Gembob and it took me absolutly ages to get over these horrific and torchering thoughts. You learn something new everyday :flowers:

[talkinghelps]

I don't know if this helps, but i've had a similar thing to you. I was lying in bed once, after a week of night shifts, completely unable to sleep, and this thought popped in my head, about drowning myself. Then a thought popped in my head about taking an overdose.

I immediately went to the doctors and he prescribed me some medication, but I think the thing that helped the most was when I went for CBT. The counsellor I spoke to listened to my thoughts, i'd had a few about hurting people etc, and then the week after, he came back and said he'd spoken to 5 of his friends, chosen at random, and 4 out of 5 admitted that at some point or other similar thoughts had popped into their heads.

When he explained that it was NORMAL to experience these thoughts, it made me feel a lot better, and was actually the start of overcoming them. Obviously everyone is different, but the point is you know you'll never act on these thoughts, and that's the difference. You're in control of yourself, you know these thoughts are wrong, and the fact they disturb you shows that you're on the right side of the fence so to speak.

[Sparkle1984]

The counsellor I spoke to listened to my thoughts, i'd had a few about hurting people etc, and then the week after, he came back and said he'd spoken to 5 of his friends, chosen at random, and 4 out of 5 admitted that at some point or other similar thoughts had popped into their heads.

That's a very interesting statistic. I'm a very peace-loving person and I'd never hurt anyone, but even I have had random thoughts like this pop into my head at times. For example, if I'm walking down the street and someone walks the other way, I might get a thought pop into my head like "What if I kicked this person?" or "What if I pushed this person into the traffic?" It's crazy so I just ignore those thoughts and don't pay any more attention to them and then they don't bother me any more.

I remember a year or 2 ago when I was going round my friend's house for tea, my friend's mother was driving us home and someone was crossing the road and she actually said out loud "Should I run them over?" Of course I knew she was only joking and that she'd never actually do it. So I think that goes to show that these sorts of thoughts are more common than people think. It did actually reassure me that I'm not the only person who gets daft thoughts like that.

[Gembob]

I'm trying so hard to shake off these thoughts but it's so so hard! I'm on maternity leave at the moment but I'm due back at work in January and I literally don't know how I'll cope with the added stress of work. I struggle to get through each day. Every day is a constant battle with my thoughts and it literally is ruining my life and stopping me from enjoying these precious moments that I'll never get back with my son.

It's got to the point where if in conversation or song lyrics or on tv, if someone mentions a word that's negative (eg crazy, murder, abused) then my thoughts automatically turn back to bad things. And about 2 yrs ago an old woman was murdered in my town and every time I drive past a road that leads to where she lived I just have a wave of fear come over me. It's ridiculous.

I'm due to see another councillor (one through my children's centre and one through my drs) but not sure if that would help seeing 2 different councillors. I just want to be better for myself and for
My son. This truly is killing me.

X