Alone & Trapped...

[Starmist]

Hi everyone,

It's been a long time since I first posted on here, but I've felt the need to reach out to others in my situation as I feel like i've pushed everyone away close to me and I don't know what to do anymore...

I'll refresh my story so far...

Around December time last year I was on my way to work (it's a 2 minute walk through a Churchyard or passageway) I took the passageway on my bike, I was almost at the end of it and I suddenly became out of breath and feeling sick. (I must also point out that I have emetophobia) I managed to get off my bike and tried breathing calmly, but my mind was racing with the thoughts of oh god I'm going to be sick.. I'm sure there are people who can relate. I calmed myself slightly and managed to cross the road and get to the shop where I work. Once inside I was fine, like nothing had happened.. Only the next day when I went to work the feelings came back... I struggled to get to work every day, but managed it until 1st February. It was my Cousin's 8th birthday and my partner was supposed to be picking me up to go to her house together. However he was running late so I had to get myself there, I got home and panic arose in me, which I had been getting since December whilst going out to other places other than work...Perhaps brought on by this incident...However, it took me half an hour to call a taxi when it arrived I babbled continously to the taxi driver (he must have thought I was bonkers!) and made it to my Aunts. That was the last time I left the house.. I saw the Doctor (home visit) who diagnosed me with Agoraphobia and referred me to the mental health team in the next town. It took nearly 2 months for them to get me an appointment. The day came around and I saw Tony who incidently I had seen when I was a child (a whole different issue, but poss related somehow?) we talked about the reasons why I thought I'd become agoraphobic etc. I saw him several more times, but on his last visit to me I clammed up... I couldn't speak at all (I don't know whether others get like this?) I find that I can't say any words at all.. which is totally frustrating.. He took the decision to sign me off from his visits and wrote a letter to my Doctor.. Nothing happened for about a month when my partner decided enough was enough, he called back the Mental health team and arranged another appointment with Tony and his colleague. The appointment didn't come for another 5 weeks as his colleague was on sick leave. Finally the appointment came around and their initial visit lasted a whole 15 minutes. Basically what Tony called a 'meet and greet'. Booked an appointment with Sarah for 2 weeks time.. Again 2 weeks passed and I saw Sarah we had a getting to know each other session and arranged another appointment for a fortnights time...same thing happened again another 'getting to know you session'. Once again another appointment for 2 weeks time was arranged... However this time 5 minutes after the appointment start time Sarah rang and said she was too busy to get to me today could we rearrange? I reluctantly agreed and she said she would ring me the next day to pick a day.. The whole day I was waiting, but no phone call. It was the weekend after that so I rang Mon (out of office) I rang every day that week with the same excuse.. SO the next Monday I rang again, I spoke to the receptionist and asked her when she would be in the office so I didn't miss her, where she promptly told me that Sarah was on sick leave and they wasn't sure when she would be back.. So this is where I am right now - My help on sick leave with no return date, myself not having left the house since February, a family who are wishing for me to be at their houses for Christmas and a partner who is starting to drift away from me...
I'm so alone right now, I feel totally abandoned by the NHS and I don't know where to turn right now. I was hoping perhaps someone had some advice for me as I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so desperate to get out of the house and i've been trying myself, but I can't get past my driveway and I feel like a right failure :(
Any help will be greatly appreciated or even someone to talk to right now...

Thank you in advance and sorry for the super long post
Hannah xxx

[Liziik]

Hey hannah :) so sorry for everything you have gone through and that you have been let down so much in such a desperate time and situation, I don't suffer with agrophobia but I do suffer anxiety and I know how useless and how you can feel like a failure!. I was doing cbt a couple of months back and it was working wonders for me I felt I was really moving forward until the moment my therapist told me my time was up and I had gone past the 12 week programme and that was it! I felt completely dumped and lost without the support I guess I kind of felt alone after that so like u I'm stuck in an endless cycle of worry, fear and that horrible feeling of failure. I really hope things turn around for you hun. I really do. Sorry if my post isn't of much help but I wanted u to know your not alone :) liz xxx

[BobbyDog]

I don't know if this would be of any help to you, but NoPanic.org(different website) offer
one to one telephone counselling sessions. There is a £12 annual joining fee and nothing to pay for the counselling. Once you have registered, you call the head office to arrange. I am starting their group telephone CBT course on the 20th December. I have a friend who is agoraphobic and she is half way through her group CBT and it is really helping her move forward.
Best of luck.

[Flossie11]

Hi, sorry to hear about your troubles. I can relate to how your Agoraphobia started.. I had a similar experience in aug of this year. Had a sort of panic attack, dizzy and sick feeling on my way home. It amazed me how fast it spiralled into not wanting to leave my home, to not leaving at all. Luckily I had been to my doc at the beginning of it and had been prescribed some Ativan (lorazepam I think). This made me able to get back to doc for further appointments. I live in Canada, but the wait times for mental health are similar.
I ended up starting medication (citalopram for me) and paying to get councelling outside the med system.
I am generally not a big fan of drugs of any sort, but it helped me break the ugly cycle I was in, and also helped me be able to get the help I needed. CBT, as suggested, is a great idea. A lot of people here seem to talk about the phone cbt offered that bobby dog mentioned.
Little steps.
I would make myself walk down the block at first. Just find somewhere quiet and sit. Try and let the feelings pass, or at least calm down a bit. Found that pushing too hard wasn't helpful. But every small success helped me be more confident.

[Starmist]

Thank you all for you lovely replies. Last night I was really stuck in a hole, but I after reading these comments I'm starting to feel a little better. Bobby Dog thank you for information, my Doctor did give me a print out telling me about these phone groups. I'm a little shy so have resisted so far.

The postman arrived today with a letter from the councillor with a new appointment for the 26th Nov, so only just over a week to wait. However I know that I will probably only get one possibly 2 sessions before Christmas, which upsets me as I don't want to spend Christmas alone :(

Flossie I have been trying to do that and found it helpful as I have a Churchyard behind my house which isn't used very often so I have been there a few times. Although there are builders I have to walk past to get there at the minute and the thought of walking past them freaks me out a little..

As for medication my Doctor hasn't even discussed the option, the first visit I had from A Doctor (he wasn't my regular Doctor) said there wouldn't be any need for meds as I wasn't showing signs of depression. I feel I have dipped in and out of low times over the past few months, but I've never felt too bad, just have down days..

So hopefully with my councillor coming we may be able to get a few steps further along than the last time. I'm trying not to put my goalposts too far ahead of me as I know I have a long way to go. When I first started seeing Sarah I thought I would be aiming to get out and perhaps to my Mum's house for Christmas, but I feel that goal is too far out of reach.

Thanks once again to you all :)

[Flossie11]

Interesting about the meds.. I really don't have any depression either, though the anxiety can get you down. I resisted medication for a long time, and only decided to go that route after the agoraphobia set in. They were prescribed for me for anxiety only. But don't get me wrong, it's not for everyone. But maybe worth discussing with your regular doctor..

[Anxious_gal]

I had the same happen to me, therapists kept going on sick leave and holidays and no one is sent to replace them.
I was looking forward to getting help, I was really bad at the bad too.
And I found all the canceled appointments made me a 100 times worse, like I had to try and hold it together for another week or two. . Very frustrating!
Never got much help in the end. . Anxiety did ease up a lot but I'm sorta stuck right now.
On my own I can be better for a few weeks but it takes very little to set of my anxiety and feels like I keep going back to square one.
Have you tried any free online CBT courses? I know they are a few, maybe someone could post a link.
I found that even an online CBT course and making little goals helped me stay a bit more positive.
I rang the samaritines once but I'm one for talking about feelings lol
But they might be more local helplines, like Aware, that you could at least put the number in your phone so you know there's always someone to talk to.

Have you had your B12 and tyroid tested and iron too?
If the levels are often they can cause anxiety,depression and whole list of symptoms, it's an easy thing to miss but very treatable too.
With men low testosterone levels can present as depression.

With goals have a big goal and lots of smaller ones, like go here for Christmas but then have things like go for a short walk.
I find I at least try to do a little as its better than not trying, the trick is try not to view things as failours be happy even if you did something really small.

[Starmist]

I've found the Doctors help very unhelpful here Flossie. Like I said I had another Doctor come and see me originally (as mine was on paternity leave) he came armed with a form to fill in with questions about how you're feeling (which I had once filled in as a teenager) however he didn't end up giving me the form as he said 'you don't seem to be depressed so I don't think medication is the way forward'. When I saw my Doctor again on a home visit, he came to issue another 'fit note' for the DWP so I could claim some help. He didn't seem to ask any questions, he didn't realise I was seeing a councillor and before I knew it my 5 minutes were up! So as for tests nothing has been mentioned about that at all?

It's a shame that things like that have happened to us anxious_gal. I know what you mean about appointments getting put back and having to refocus again for another week. I have an agoraphobia workbook, which I bought of Amazon after a really awful day, but I have found it unhelpful so far. I haven't thought about online CBT courses, but it is definetely something I shall look in to. I know Bobby Dog mention the telephone course, but I would prefer to do an online one. When my councillor comes and sees me I know we will be progressing onto some sort of CBT therapy, but I cannot see this being much help this year!

As for going to short walks I do attempt to, but my mind usually puts me off it's the overcoming that part I struggle with. Damn brains! I think I shall start write down goals and daily things that I do so I can see the positives. Does anyone else do that?

Once again thank you all, it has been a really hard weekend and next weekend looks to be even worse for me so I'll be glad for all your support :)

[Col]

Hi starmist, hope your feeling ok. If your bored my first couple of posts & threads explain my story, too long to go into & you need the help right now, but basically my anxiety and classic text book panic attacks got soooo bad last year, I gave up and stayed at home for 6 months I was forced to do a 4 minute drive for school run but, I'd just basically stay at one quite happily because my anxiety was that bad, there was no point in going anywhere. Even having kids was not enough & my kids are my world & despite the guilt this caused me nothing, nothing would get me out of the house! Sorry to say even if a family member was hospitalised, I don't think at that particular time, that I would have got there! Your not alone:flowers: steps I took....
Knitting and crochet for - everyday , baking, getting showered a little more - making myself get up and dressed. Bed no later than 9pm, small walking goals, first lamp post then the next. Joining NMP chatting to people with similar issues and giving then advice & gave me perspective and I reflected and thought gosh I'm so selfish , there are others seriously suffering too, in different ways. Manuka Honey, eat better too. :hugs:

[Starmist]

That's such a nice reply Col! I shall have to have a read of your posts! It sounds like you've had a tough time as well. I agree with you about a family member being hospitalized, I'm not sure I'd be able to get there right now.

I like the idea of doing little things every day. I don't have many hobbies so I'm going a bit mad right now although the Christmas shopping is helping me a little.
I have trouble getting to sleep at night so I do tend to lay in more on the weekdays, but I've been trying to change that over the last week. My partner owns his own business and I worked in the sales part of it until February and now i'm just doing the accountancy side of it, which doesn't often need much doing!

I have a spell of going through baking, but as my partner doesn't like the things I bake I think I would end up the size of a house! Lol ! I feel like I have been making progress just lately, but not in the way I would have like (getting out and about). I struggled with letting people in my house or evening opening the door to people like doctors and delivery men etc. I feel like i've overcome that now. Things like getting dressed I'm starting to do earlier instead of waiting until lunch time. Making myself look normal inviting more family and friends over. :)

So thank you Col it's been nice to hear your thoughts (i'll have a look at your post)