landymanrob
21-11-12, 10:36
Hello, been surfing on hear for a while and its been a good source of info, been finally diagnosed with GAD and depression and am now on 45mg of Mirt and just started on Pregabalin which has lifted my blank mood abit:blush:
always been worried about things in my life but didnt know it was as bad as it is. 16 years ago i ended a relationship i had been in for 5 years and just fell apart, felt low and suicidal, but got help and lifted my mood. was diagnosed with depression and put on Prozac. i have trouble expressing my fears and worries to people so i bottle it all up, i cant say to loved ones when i am upset or angry with something. Rather than argue or put my needs across i just bottle it and dont express it.
Rather than tell her i was not happy doing something i just went with the flow, so i ended up looking elsewhere for the lift i needed asd that was a mistake, i felt awful and finished the relationship, she then made me think i had made a mistake and we carried on for another year.
I finally ended it as i did not know what else to do, started to feel better then she told me she had met someone and i fell apart. i was a right mess for months.
The i met someone new, she was older than me but it didnt bother me, i have been with her for 16 years but still i could not say when i was unhappy with something, i believe that when you love someone you do everthing for them its what i am supposed to do, so i stopped doing the things i liked etc.
I never stopped thinking about my last relationship and kept thinking its going the same way, and will end at some time.
The last 2 years i have wanted to say that things need to be better between us but couldnt find the words and just carried on thinking if i found someone else it would all be better (yeah right) i still loved her but things needed to change.
So instead of talking i looked elsewhere again, it was over before it started but i had to confess, it felt so wrong what i had done.
It made me crash through the floor with guilt and shame and put me back on Prozac, which made my anxiety worse, i upped the dose but no effect, then the doctor put me on Mirt which made me sleep and took effect quickly. I finally had started talking about the things in life i feared (most seem quite normal or silly when i thnk about it) and the fact that i could not say when i was unhappy with something and just bottled it all up.
I had been doing longer hours at work and thought i could do it all, but was so tired, My partner knew something was wrong but decided not to say anthing so she pulled away as well thinking i wanted to leave so gave me space.
Since talking about my anxieties and fears we were getting on better, and life was getting back to normal. I was straight back to work and doing everthing as normal, my partners mum was taken ill and was in hospital so we were back and forth every day.
The brief fling came back to haunt me as i worked with the woman, and she had kicked her husband out and found out her best mate had been having and affair with her husband for 2 months. the same best mate she told about the fling with me. So i crashed back down and had to confess who it was this time.
In the back of my mind was the feeling i had to leave as i had been unfailthfull (even though she understood why i had done it)
I feel the need to help people, it makes me feel good about myself, i want to be liked, its one of my fears, being unliked people talking about me etc
i hate parties where i dont know people, makes me feel very self concious.
i was looking for the same feeling as when we first met!!!
So after going down hill for 2 weeks i walked out on sunday:weep:
Not sure if i have done the right thing, i dont know my feelings for her at the moment, and i have shut down, all i could focus on was being somewhere else, on my own so i didnt hurt anyone. Couldnt talk to anyone as it made me feel ashamed that i was this low and pushed everyone away.
I went back to the Shrink and she put me on Pregablin which has lifted me from the black hole i was in, i could finally talk again.
If only i could have talked to my partner and expressed my fears about life (eg she has a small hole i her heart and i would imagine waking up and finding her dead next to me, horrible feeling)
I hope i can put all this behind me and we can start again, i am due to restart CBT on monday to help me change the way i think about life etc.
Its silly things that chipped away at me, looking and another woman made me feel i was wrong for doing it and i must not love my parner etc, thinking of my ex made me feel the same way. silly really but its how i look at things. And i want to change:D:D.
Anyway this is me, and it feels good to get this all out. Hope you dont think i am just a stupid man who cant cope with relationships. Its so much more than that.
always been worried about things in my life but didnt know it was as bad as it is. 16 years ago i ended a relationship i had been in for 5 years and just fell apart, felt low and suicidal, but got help and lifted my mood. was diagnosed with depression and put on Prozac. i have trouble expressing my fears and worries to people so i bottle it all up, i cant say to loved ones when i am upset or angry with something. Rather than argue or put my needs across i just bottle it and dont express it.
Rather than tell her i was not happy doing something i just went with the flow, so i ended up looking elsewhere for the lift i needed asd that was a mistake, i felt awful and finished the relationship, she then made me think i had made a mistake and we carried on for another year.
I finally ended it as i did not know what else to do, started to feel better then she told me she had met someone and i fell apart. i was a right mess for months.
The i met someone new, she was older than me but it didnt bother me, i have been with her for 16 years but still i could not say when i was unhappy with something, i believe that when you love someone you do everthing for them its what i am supposed to do, so i stopped doing the things i liked etc.
I never stopped thinking about my last relationship and kept thinking its going the same way, and will end at some time.
The last 2 years i have wanted to say that things need to be better between us but couldnt find the words and just carried on thinking if i found someone else it would all be better (yeah right) i still loved her but things needed to change.
So instead of talking i looked elsewhere again, it was over before it started but i had to confess, it felt so wrong what i had done.
It made me crash through the floor with guilt and shame and put me back on Prozac, which made my anxiety worse, i upped the dose but no effect, then the doctor put me on Mirt which made me sleep and took effect quickly. I finally had started talking about the things in life i feared (most seem quite normal or silly when i thnk about it) and the fact that i could not say when i was unhappy with something and just bottled it all up.
I had been doing longer hours at work and thought i could do it all, but was so tired, My partner knew something was wrong but decided not to say anthing so she pulled away as well thinking i wanted to leave so gave me space.
Since talking about my anxieties and fears we were getting on better, and life was getting back to normal. I was straight back to work and doing everthing as normal, my partners mum was taken ill and was in hospital so we were back and forth every day.
The brief fling came back to haunt me as i worked with the woman, and she had kicked her husband out and found out her best mate had been having and affair with her husband for 2 months. the same best mate she told about the fling with me. So i crashed back down and had to confess who it was this time.
In the back of my mind was the feeling i had to leave as i had been unfailthfull (even though she understood why i had done it)
I feel the need to help people, it makes me feel good about myself, i want to be liked, its one of my fears, being unliked people talking about me etc
i hate parties where i dont know people, makes me feel very self concious.
i was looking for the same feeling as when we first met!!!
So after going down hill for 2 weeks i walked out on sunday:weep:
Not sure if i have done the right thing, i dont know my feelings for her at the moment, and i have shut down, all i could focus on was being somewhere else, on my own so i didnt hurt anyone. Couldnt talk to anyone as it made me feel ashamed that i was this low and pushed everyone away.
I went back to the Shrink and she put me on Pregablin which has lifted me from the black hole i was in, i could finally talk again.
If only i could have talked to my partner and expressed my fears about life (eg she has a small hole i her heart and i would imagine waking up and finding her dead next to me, horrible feeling)
I hope i can put all this behind me and we can start again, i am due to restart CBT on monday to help me change the way i think about life etc.
Its silly things that chipped away at me, looking and another woman made me feel i was wrong for doing it and i must not love my parner etc, thinking of my ex made me feel the same way. silly really but its how i look at things. And i want to change:D:D.
Anyway this is me, and it feels good to get this all out. Hope you dont think i am just a stupid man who cant cope with relationships. Its so much more than that.