Lonely, sad, hopeless, not wanted, a complete failure, and waste of a life :'(

[rex]

The title basically says it all really just how I feel :(

I have had depression for many years now it started when I got bullied by everyone at school even my friends I'd had for life turned away so it didn't happen to them, I got on with it tho and more or less lost contact with everyone when I left school. I started work and things gradually got better my days off were spent visiting my grandad in a nursing home then, he sadly passed away I had nothing to do anymore I couldn't talk to nobody as I was always good at bottling up.

I got a new friend someone I talked to a lot online and eventually met randomly and things went well I hpwever found myself walking on egg shells worrying things would go bad at any time. I spoke to my go about the depression and started fluoxetine which I didn't find effective so in December 2010 I changed to citalopram and my mood lifted slightly.

In April 2011 I met the nicest closest person I have ever known in my life a guy called Stuart. At the time he was 16 and I was 23 the age gap meant nothing tho and we became best friends, for once in a long time I was happy.

Things started to go wrong and in June 2011 I overdosed and spent time in hospital, as soon as getting out me and Stuart sorted stuff out and come August we were on kind of a relationship. We'd talk all day from waking up to going to sleep we went out walking his dog together every night and got many memory's of places together I ft better than I ever did before.

In August this year things had been rocky for a while and after arranging to meet to talk things through I found the person I loved laughing and joking with someone else I flipped, we had a massive argument and I didn't see him again, the events here drove me to jump from a bridge however I backed out at the last minute. After this Stuart's mam found out about us, stopped me seeing him, told the police I had been harassing him and that was it all contact lost and blocked.

Last month I got to know a guy who had very similar experiences, we talked just like me and Stuart use to and he told me he wanted to meet and get to know each other and hopefully go further. After starting to be happy again I found out he had already met someone and that I wasn't wanted again...

Now, here I sit alone nobody to talk to, no friends, crying, hoping every night that I don't wake in the morning, wondering what it is I ever did to deserve this torturous life...maybe I should be over Stuart but...I don't even know if the times we had were a lie like his mam said, maybe he did like me maybe he didn't I'll never know...I just want to be happy but nobody in this world will give me a chance so what's the point :'( what's the point in living when nobody cares :'(

[Annie0904]

Rex, you are not a failure or any of the other things you say you are. I really think you have got in a very depressed state though and I think you need to go back to see your doctor and tell him how you are feeling. maybe you could ask him to arrange for you to have some cognitive behaviour therapy which I think will be helpful to you. There are plenty of people on here who will support you and be here if you need someone to talk to. :hugs:

[Supersal1984]

Tell yourself that you are better than this, you are worth it and we are all thinking and care about you.let us know how you are doing. I suffer with depression, but there appears to be no outside reason for my depression, so I am stuck with it, but I just have to tell myself, no matter how bad it gets - keep going! You have had happy times, and that means you will again in time. Don't worry if you are not over Stuart, it takes time and be kind to yourself, and don't be ashamed if it takes you a long time.z if you feel suicidal again, please talk to your gp, and get some help. If you succeed you will miss out on many happy times that are ahead of you xxxx

[marie1974]

Hi, I suffer dep/anx too and years ago i let a few people into my life who i shouldnt have, i was not in a good place, vulnerable and open to people who take advantage, friends im on about, i had some counseling and its taught me too look more at me and learn to like me more and keep things simple, but do things just i enjoy .

now years later, i have a few friends and i dont want anymore, but they r genuine and not the awful ones i let in because i left my self so open.

My advice to u hun, would b, take how ever long it takes, to learn to like you and start feeling happy, doing simple things, i dont rely on people to make me happy anymore. I walk lots as it helps with my head and although i do struggle still, i am alot stronger than i used to b, counselling helped me alot, but i also make myself keep busy and find something small to smile about every day, mayb also keep alittle list of things to do each day and tick it off when done, it can feel great. i know its so hard, but u can feel better, hugs xxx

[ricardo]

marie,

good post.

We are all so vunerable when this illness first strikes as you mentioned.It happened to me and it's just a matter of time to feel comfortable with whoever is caring for you be it in a professional way or otherwise.Best of luck rex, you can do it.