Horrified that I have cancer

[WorryingMyselfCrazy]

For the last 5 years, I've become a huge hypochondriac. I've lost my faith in any sort of higher power or after life so my fear of death is extreme and I feel I have nowhere to seek comfort. I'm convinced that I have cancer, because there are way too many things wrong with my body. First, I've had a very small, rock-hard-feels-like-bone lump on the bottom of the dividing wall in one of my nostrils. It's painless and has not changed in size, but my nose runs on that side and I get tingly sensations far up in that nostril that makes me sneeze. Next, I've had a sustained, soft ringing in both of my ears for the last year and a half. It never goes away, but if I go running or really work up my heart rate, it can occasionally turn into a loud pulsing ringing. Next, I can press the back of my skull and make it click. Not imaging this. If I jump up and down or run I can hear the clicking unless I press on that area of my skull. Next, last year I got a ton of floaters in my left eye all very quickly. I went from 1 to 20ish in a few months. Earlier this summer I got an eye migraine according to the eye doctor. I had a fuzzy orb in my field of vision followed by one of the only migraine headaches I've ever had in my life. Apparently it wasn't a big deal, but I thought I'd include it. This month I developed a lump on my finger that is very hard, and is sometimes very tender. Once in a while that entire arm will hurt radiating from that hand, usually at night. Next, I see visual snow all the time. All the time. I also get air bubbles that come up my throat often (not indigestion). They are uncomfortable like hiccups. I don't know what that is, but I thought maybe it's because I don't burp. Seriously, I think I've burped maybe 3 times in my life. This month, my cousin died from melanoma, then my aunt died from a bowel infection, another cousin was diagnosed with stage 3 testicular cancer, and my uncle just passed away from pancreatic cancer a week and a half ago. He'd only been diagnosed three weeks prior. I'm horrified at all of this and I'm convinced I'm next. My OCD has been more of an O for 8/9 years be because I haven't felt the compulsions to perform my little rituals and since my uncle's death, I'm suddenly wanting to have my shampoo bottles and shoes and medications facing away from me and wanting to spit an odd number of times while brushing my teeth. Ever since his passing, I've been experiencing lightheadedness/brain fog all day every day. I can't focus, my head feels weird, I'm not off balance but I feel weird and I can't calmly talk my way out of feeling this way. My head feels like a balloon. I can still function, but not at optimum capacity. I can't pay attention to detail or concentrate unless I'm laying down. I don't know if this would be considered dizziness/lightheadedness or brain fog. I'm horrified I have a brain tumor. I'm 22 years old and instead of enjoying my life, I'm crying about my impending demise every day. I worry about my mother because I am all she has and I don't think she can handle any more loss. I'm afraid that too much time on the computer (I'm on them 24/7 for work) and my cell phone has given me brain cancer. I know I am far more deserving of cancer than my cousins or my uncle and I feel as if I'm simply waiting to die. I'm terrified of going to the doctor because I cannot handle being told I have cancer. My cousin was afraid to go for the growing tumor on his testicle and now he's paying for waiting 3 years to have the dr. take a look at it. I'm afraid the same thing is going to happen to me, only worse. I'm afraid my brain tumor will kill me the same way my cousin was killed by melanoma and my uncle from pancreatic cancer. My best friend's dad died from a brain tumor two years ago and he was the kindest man you'd ever meet. I deserve it more than he did. I just can't deal with this. Can anyone help me or relate? Nobody I know understands how I feel.

A little more about me:
- I have horrible circulation. My fingers and toes are often purple and I'm always cold.
- I'm very thin. I often skip menstrual periods because I don't eat enough. I don't like to eat unhealthy foods or meat because I'm afraid they cause cancer. I'm currently having the first one I've had in a few months.
- I have Gilbert's syndrome, a benign liver condition.
- I apologize to anyone who actually read all this.

[cassy1989]

Hello. First of all you have had a lot to deal with lately and its no wonder you are worried about cancer with so many people you know having it. But anxiety is a very powerful thing and all the little lumps you find are just normal lumps that some one with out anxiety wouldn't even look twice at. What has your dr said about all of this? Now I'm also going to be a bit brutal. You are making yourself ill by not eating properly and the fact you don't have proper periods proves this! Not eating is most likely what's making you feel constantly cold too! You really need to see your dr urgently before you get any worse. Its very unlikely you will get ill from eating meat, think how many people eat meat every day and they're fine! Fair enough about not eating junk food but enjoy yummy and healthy foods such as shepherds pie, spag bol, roast dinners, casseroles, stews, pasta dishes because you really do need to start eating. Feel free to message me if you want to talk xx

[panic12]

Hi sorry to hear you're in a bad way, I have had fears of brain tumour for about 4 months now. Muscle twitching, headaches, dizzyness, floaters, little black spot in the corner of my vision etc etc etc. One day I had enough and said stuff it, sounds kinda stupid but I went a week with no anxiety by just telling myself I was fine and keeping myself busy and when I wanted to do something but wasn't sure just did it anyways, and that week there was a 90% improvement in my symptoms, this made me really happy and helped me to realise I was causing these symptoms myself. A month later and only floaters, twitching and the little black spot remain but honestly Ive had all those a while anyways. What I'm trying to say is don't diagnose your self and convince yourself your dying, thinking that your dying is enough to make anyone sick right? If you haven't been to the doctors go, if you don't have hobbies get some, if you don't spent time with friends start doing it, remember you only live once, if you were diagnosed with a brain tumour and only had weeks to live could you look back and think that you had made the most out of life? not by worrying like that you cant! Sorry if this is a major ramble but the point i'm getting at is dont worry about something thats not there and live life to the fullest because you never know when its going to end.

[Col]

Hi, I've read your post and I think 2 things are going on. Firstly you already have anxiety related issues and the the things that you are suffering with, serious or not, I think your anxiety is magnifying your worries to the point , you believe you have something seriously wrong with you. Secondly you have had to cope with a large amount of loss which, have links to cancer and other serious conditions. So the second point makes the first point, seem to be making you believe even more that ~ you definately have something seriously wrong. I think your grieving has made your anxiety worse. You've got to give yourself time to grieve and with time, your extreme worries of cancer might nt be so severe. Then you might start to believe that there's nothing soo serious. I think you should perhaps consider going to your doctors and simply explain all of this , your anxiety and also why you think you have something seriously wrong with you and incorporate what's just happened with your family members recently. Also make sure your eating, sleeping properly. If you can't manage a full meal what about , nourishment shakes. Sleep is vital and maybe this might make you feel abit better in yourself just generally. Really do take good care of yourself :hugs:

[ReissG]

You're not alone here, I promise you!
Here's some stories for me to tell you, might make you feel a little less alone-
August 22nd 2012- Just had a huge anxiety and panic attack, for the rest of the day I felt as if I had something horrible caught in the back of my throat, now keep in mind at this point I had absolutely no idea that a lump in the throat was a common anxiety symptom!
So I go the rest of the day feeling this, I thought it was maybe a tonsil stone or something.
I then did the dumb thing of going upstairs and looking in the mirror with a torch and found something that would change my life....a tiny yellow cyst which I automatically assumed was cancer.
I went straight onto google and yes....CANCER CANCER CANCER!!
I was absolutely distraught, started planning my funeral, I knew if I got officially diagnosed with cancer I wouldn't have the mental mind to fight it, so might aswell plan my suicide now!
5 days later go to a Dr......it was a cyst....SIGH!
The lump in the throat feeling went away completely after finding out I was fine

September 16th 2012- Found a lump in my neck, obsessed with it for 2 weeks before My partner finally made me go to the Doctor, this lump had got me so ill and worked up I'd gotten countless colds from low immune system, I lost weight and was having all kinds of other symptoms! Went to the Dr....It's a palpable lymph node

October 10th- Found another lump under my chin, straight away thought cancer again...long story short, Dr saw me, felt my whole neck and again told me there is nothing wrong with me.

AND NOW say around November 12th I got a wisdom tooth infection which caused lots of things in my throat to swell, tissue infront of my tonsil and tissue under my tonsil...BUT NOT MY ACTUAL TONSIL...WHAT?!?!
I took anti biotics and all swelling has gone down but I'm still obsessed with the idea of cancer!

So this will be (Haven't mentioned everything in this short story lol we'd be here all night) my 12th trip to the Doctor in 3/4 months, last time my Dr looked in my throat was 2 weeks ago and that isn't enough time for cancer to develop, so when he looks in my throat he'll see nothing new lol just my anxiety tells me he will!
YOU'RE NOT ALONE!
Anxiety can damage your life just as much as physical illness's, no doubt about it.
I've lost weight
Been ill
lost strength
Slept for 28 hours one day!

It's an awful thing, so never feel like just because people can't see the symptoms that they aren't bad or that you should just have to get on with it, anxiety can cripple you, me and many others are here to support you and give you the lift others can't!
BE STRONG :)

[beauty2010]

So sorry you are feeling so bad. I do know about grief as I lost a baby and my dad within six months of each other. Don't be too sure about there being no higher power - I have never felt joy and love so strongly than after my baby's death - even though I was grieving so much. Fear is more scary than anything that could possibly happen to you. Death is really not that scary......
But I don't think you are going to die - the likelihood of there being anything seriously wrong at the age of 22 is minimal.
Love and hugs
Bxxxxxx

[shellyruby40]

Really feel for you with the worrying.
i always find in my experience with my health anxiety is that theres never one thing wrong.i alway had 3 or 4 small worries at the same time..like say i would have migraines..a sore knee..swollen ankles..and aching calves..where you have 4 or so different worries also..i think its a lot to do with the losses youve had.
only advice i can give which sometimes work for me is to take each day at a time.distracting yourself totally..i always feel better if i can stay off the net all day and just go on in the evenings..then you ll find one day is gone .then another.then another and that you havnt focused on the symptoms as much as you ve been distracted...hypnotherapy helped me a lot when my anxiety was at its highest.but its so expensive.
i also find laying down the best.or rather sleeping and not thinking about it lol,
so sorry your going through it.its soul destroying feeling like it.
xx