What would you do?

[Bill]

Life isn't black and white so I don't think there is always a right or wrong which is also why I feel people shouldn't judge others so quickly until they know all the facts.

There was a film not long ago about a young couple. One day the male partner had a severe accident which left him bedbound due to paralysis. She wanted to care for him but although neither wanted a divorce, he told her to forget their marriage and to live her life. She did as he asked but she had to live with her conscience. If she hadn't, she knew what life she would have had, and he knew it.

Was she weak or strong for going against her conscience, or would she have been weak or strong for staying beside him resigned to a life of caring without her own emotional/physical needs being met?

So, supposing you are in a relationship but your partner (male or female) becomes so severely mentally (not physically) ill before retirement age that your own emotional and physical needs can never be met.

1) Would you stay?

This would mean resigning yourself to a life without emotional and physical needs being met.

2) Would you leave?

This could mean living with your conscience because you do still care about them and in their way, they do about you.

3) Would you still leave if there was a history of suicide in your partners family?

Could you live with your conscience if the same happened to your partner as a result of abandoning them?

4) Would it make a difference what sex you are? Would a woman find it easier to stay because they don't have a mans needs? Would a man find it easier to stay because of their conscience?

5) Would it make a difference if you were aged 20 - 30 or 40 - 60?

6) Would you stay if there were children involved because of your fear of how they would react if they thought you were abandoning your partner?

7) Supposing you stay and resign yourself, should you be resigned or hope to find a third party to help you live a life that was taken from you?

8) However, what third party would even want to be involved? They would have their own conscience to cope with and perhaps we're brought up to believing that sort of thing is a "no-no" but then what about the partner who is trapped and their life? The third party would also most probably want someone for themselves but then where would that leave the partner who is in a relationship that has no emotional or physical future left for them?

9) If you had children, would they judge you for seeking a third a party despite knowing you are staying to care for your partner? Would they still judge if you left? Is it a "no win" situation?

I think life is full of grey areas and we have to live our lives according to our own consciences because often people get trapped through no fault of their own but they still pay for their mistake for the rest of their lives.

So....what would you do?

A riddle for you -

"The greatest meaning to life can be freely given but the cost to the giver can often feel too great."

Answer - "Love"......but what it actually feels like, I can't remember.:unsure:

[Granny Primark]

Id definitely stay.
I took my wedding vows and part of them was "til death us do part"
I know of a couple. The wife suffers from alzeimers as did my dad.
The hubby is is an absolute star. It must be so tiring for him but its also very rewarding.
I was a carer for over 20 years and there is more satisfaction in giving than recieving.
Even tho at times it can be very tiring.

[Serenitie]

A very interesting post, Bill. What film was this?

1) Would you stay?

I would stay. The health status of a partner would never be a reason for me to leave. You can adapt to these situations and still have a fulfilling relationship and life together. People change. The man or woman you meet at 20 is going to look different, have a very different perspective on life and differing interests when they are 30, 40, 50 and so on. This is part of growth and development of a person throughout the various stages of their lives. I think that the inability to work with this change can be the reason for a lot of relationship breakdowns.

2) Would you leave?

I would leave if we grew apart, trust was broken or the relationship became damaging or abusive in some way.

3) Would you still leave if there was a history of suicide in your partners family?

The threat of or potential for suicide is not the right reason to stay in a relationship. Staying in a relationship is no guarantee that suicide will be prevented.

4) Would it make a difference what sex you are? Would a woman find it easier to stay because they don't have a mans needs? Would a man find it easier to stay because of their conscience?

I don't think that you can generalise that a man has greater physical needs than a woman.

5) Would it make a difference if you were aged 20 - 30 or 40 - 60?

No

6) Would you stay if there were children involved because of your fear of how they would react if they thought you were abandoning your partner?

This is not the right reason to stay in any relationship for me personally

7) Supposing you stay and resign yourself, should you be resigned or hope to find a third party to help you live a life that was taken from you?

No. I'd stay and be fully committed or leave and build a new life. I'm very black and white on this.

[Magic]

Welcome back Bill.
This is a difficult one. Me and my hubby are in our prime.
So I would stay, and I would stay anyway.
As many people know my eldest is in a care home.
She was married when she started with her illness- and her then
husband left her for someone else.
Life was unbearable for him and he could not cope,so I cannot say anything
wrong about him.
It was left to us to deal with the situation.
I could write a book about all that we had to do, but in the end it was
my daughters wish to be where she is now,
She is mentally and physically disabled,the care she is getting now
is wonderful and everyone where she is loves her to bits like we do
I end on a sad note as i cannot see for tears xx

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Bill I have just read another of Susan Hill's books in it the central character Simon Serallier is having an affair with a woman whose husband is dying of Parkinson's disease. He is in full knowledge of this. It is just a novel. As you might know my Mum died of MND and for my Father it was very much 'for better for worse, for richer for poorer' I would do that too if my husband became terminally ill. Would I want to still care for him at home if he became violent - probably not.My Dad's cousin has had to go into a care home because he has become violent and doubly incontinent. Sadly he can no longer be looked after at home. We are all different. We should not be judgemental about the difficult decisions about care of loved ones that we all have to make. EJ

[JT69]

Hi Bill

This really has you thinking and your mind working over-time!! Lol!!

I would stay...I definately could not live with myself any other way...till death as do part...in sickness and in health...maybe old fashioned but as long as it was a safe enviroment then I would stay.

I agree though we are all different and our circumstances would be different so I guess it comes down to that at the end of the day.

I have a very rewarding position at the moment where I manage a unit that supplies meds to alot of care homes and I find I cannot sleep at night if any of the meds have not been delivered on time etc...that could be one of my relatives and indeed is someones elses relative...so how would i feel if that were me or one of mine is my mind-set!!

Jo.x

[xBettyBoopx]

Hi Bill

I can't answer your questions but I just wanted to say a big HELLO and good to see you back:hugs::hugs:

I emailed you but it bounced back to me:lac::lac:

Betty aka Els
xxx

[Thumbelina]

I would also say stay due to the vows you both gave.
Marriage is a commitment with or without children.,
Its much harder alone and all the troubles are shared between two husband and wife when together.
Of course there are extreme cases, exceptions, but i dodnf believe thats yours...

[Bill]

Thank you for your replies. I notice that it doesn't appear as if any men have replied as yet. Also, I notice that I think all of you have said you would stay. I wonder, would a greater proportion of wives stay compared to husbands because they don't have the same needs? However, I think there is a more important factor and that would be the bond between them because if there was no love before or after, the partner would just feel like a carer, in which case I suspect most if not all of you would say leave because you could live with your consciences.

That is rather my point though that life isn't always black and white because caring about someone and loving about them can be two separate issues.

There are couples who stay together not because anything has happened to either of them and not out of love. Rightly or wrongly they co-exist for convenience as friends because to leave would cause too much hassle and upset. Most probably you would say that's wrong especially if one or both were unhappy living as they are but to one or both I guess it would feel the better of two evils.

My own feeling is there is no right or wrong and no black and white because we all share different beliefs and have different consciences and we have to live with ourselves. However, I do feel that any husband who has you as their wives are very lucky because they know they will always be well cared for. I think a husband would really have to love their wife to be truly happy to care for them when they would receive nothing in return.

I don't know. It's a very grey area but I do feel, without meaning to sound sexist, that women would find it easier to care? Maybe that's why they make such good nurses too? Maybe it's the mother instinct or the ability to empathise? Maybe they don't have mens needs? Are women happier with their own company because men need company more? I wonder also how many women would actually look for comfort from another man compared to men in their position? Presumably that word love would be a factor. I'm only thinking outloud, raising questions.

As for the film, I honestly can't remember the title. All I can remember is that it was based in Scotland or a Scottish island, that the husband worked on an oil rig and had an accident and the wife belonged to the church. When she did as her husband told her, she was treated as an outcast and came to a sticky end which was sad because she wasn't to blame. Anyone know the film?:shrug:


Els...I'll send you a pm. I hadn't realised. Sorry.:hugs:


I've just found this following thread I posted a year ago. It was a german film... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbdi-Lp55uw&feature=related

Just to put it in the mix!


I was watching a film tonight which I found very thought provoking so I thought I would tell you about it because I bet everyone will hold different views.

It was about a couple who had been together for 30 years in a loveless partnership. However, the woman did care about her elderly partner and wanted to look after him. One day the woman met another elderly man who she couldn't help falling in love with. She told her daughter and the daughter told her to just enjoy it and to keep it between themselves. However, she was faced with 4 choices...

1) She did as her daughter said.
2) She stopped seeing him.
2) She told her partner and hoped that she could still stay to look after him.
3) She told him and left.

She decided she couldn't live with her secret but nor could she give up the man she loved because she needed his love so she decided she had to tell her partner. However, of course her partner was too upset to forgive her so one day she told him she was leaving and moved out.

You were then left with a scene of her elderly frail partner silently sitting at the kitchen table and you could imagine him thinking to himself who would want him and who would care for him. That night he decided he only had one option and that was to take his own life.

This made me think how quickly we can judge people before learning the circumstances behind people actions and that often we have very black/white thinking when life is full of grey areas, especially when we care about others.

I wonder, if you were in her situation, what would you have done?:hugs:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/nmp/misc/progress.gif

[Bill]

Just wanted to add that I remembered the name of the film set in Scotland. It was called Breaking The Waves. It's on youtube.

In that german film I've mentioned, it made me feel she had 3 options -

1) Stay where she was out of loyalty but never have happiness for herself.
2) Leave but then her husband couldn't live without her.
3) Stay but have happiness for herself.

I just feel if she took the third option, it may not be right but could you say it's wrong either when she and her husband would be happy in their own ways and her husband's life would be saved. Also the third party would be having some happiess.

Which would be more right - her husbands, her own or both?

Just an example of how life can create grey areas.

In an ideal world we should all find our soul mates and live happily ever after but sadly life isn't like that. Food for thought.