very anxious

[maximus1975]

bit gutted today my cpn nurse cancelled our first meeting although she hopes to come on wednesday instead,
just done my power walk and coffee at nans and am of at 4 to the final session of my stress buster coarse run by outlook southwest , i do belive ive taken some tools/skills out of this coarse, even though i read there book a few years back when i was strugling , it reminded me that if we put the effort in there is hope .
Im still suffering with a low mood but they did say at the start of the coarse they cant perform miracles and that it's gunna take time to rebuild my confidence.
my brothers at a funeral at the moment and i bottled going at the last moment which im not proud of,one of our golfing friends wifes just passed away i would have like to have gone to support him , but as i said my confidence is low and i didnt wanna make a fool out myself if i had an anxiety attack.But now i feel very selfish does that make sense? my brothers managed to go although he is further down the road so to speak with his anxiety.
i must try harder in the near future to go to these sort of things otherwise im never gunna progress.its all about fight or flight according to my class.
the weather down hear is really bad at the moment which i dont think is helping with my mood stuck indoors alot trying to concentrate on something so the hours pass away i hate the long days at the moment.
my goal's are to beat my benzo addiction and get myself back into work the first one is gunna be really tough but i will be chuffed if i can do it
has anyone on hear gonna into a clinic/rehab to come of benzo's as i hear its hell not sure i could put my family through that at home ?

[maximus1975]

something really strange happened at the meeting tonight i had a mini panic attack and thankgod i managed to control it. i started getting thoughts this afternoon of looseing it in the meeting anyway i put that to one side. but sure enough in the meeting i took a sip of my drink lost my breathing and the panic set in followed by thoughts of im gunna have to leave the room, im miles away from home, i need a double vodka real fast, all the people in this room am gunna think im a complete nutter.
my jaws locked together and i clenched onto my seat but some how i managed to stop it getting any worse my mum was sitting nxt to me and she said didnt notice a thing.
reflecting on it now maybe i got bad as tonight was all about rounding up the things wev'e learnt , and talking about are life in the future that was the bit that i started to feel anxious.
they asked us what was the hardest thing that we have put into practice from the course and my answer was worry time , this is when we put all of our worries aside through out the day into 15 mins worry time in the evening , i have found this super hard as i tend to worry almost all the time i need to keep working at this.
the coarse moves onto a different part of cornwall now but in jan comes back to a town near me, so i will see how im going and if im struggling i can re visit the course its brilliant that it's free .
luckily this organisation does one on one therapys so ive put myself down for that but its quite a big waiting list.
so this evening i find myself depressed that i almost had a full blown panic attack but proud i pulled mysef through it,
i have a problem with the consultant and the moment as he is reducing my meds when im clearly not ready, ive tried to explain this but will not change his mind