could really do with some help please

[i-have-issues]

Hi in advance sorry for the long post - quite a lot of problems!

Im new here so i'll introduce myself - my name is Sam and im 29 with 2 children. I have had a lot of issues in my life which are all probably a lot to do with why im suffering now. such as an abusive childhood... lots of miscarriages (10), abusive first relationship..

I am now married and have 2 gorgeous children but the past still haunts me. I am a generally anxious person anyway, always been the 'scardy cat' at school etc..

before i had my 2nd child I didn't really have any worries that effected my daily life, but when i had my 2nd child i had an allergic reaction (was not very severe) to some hair colour when he was 2 weeks old, since then I have been scared of everything. by this i mean EVERYTHING!

food - i stopped eating completely as i was worried that i would be allergic to it - I lost 4 stone in 3 months, which was great as I was overweight anyway but i am now an 8 and dont really want to lose anymore. I slowly re-introduced food back into my diet - I started to eat a few things, but its up and down... i used to be able to eat things such as wotsits, chicken, chips etc.. but now ive had a funny turn and can only eat chocolate and drink tea. no breakfast, lunch or dinner one or 2 chunks of chocolate and about 10 cups of tea! its crazy... i dont want to be like this at all. but everytime i eat i think my throat is going to close up, and im not going to be able to breathe. at the moment I have a sore roof of the mouth and am panicky of this incase its my mouth closing up! my worst nightmare is going to a restaurant and i am constantly making up excuses why i dont want dinner if im out with family for example. birthday meals in the family i dont attend, as im too scared.

I am also petrified of chemicals - to the point where i am scared to wash my hair incase the shampoo causes a reaction or put bubble bath in the bath, obviously i do but it takes me the whole 3 days in between washing to psyche myself up for next time! every single thing i do/eat or smell i'm petrified
I cant stand cleaning stuff, descale the kettle or bleach my tea cups

I am scared to go to the doctors as I have a serious phobia of any medication. I dont take it - simple. I live in fear of becoming ill to the point where i need medicine as i would not be able to take it. im too scared ill be allergic...

I have formed an OCD of feeling my pulse everytime i eat or drink to make sure my heart rate is ok.

I dont even like getting my nails painted as i fear the smell.

I have also gained this way of thinking that if for example im wearing a new skirt and i have a particularly bad day - its the skirts fault! this goes for everything new!! crazy.....

its getting beyond a joke now and making me seriously miserable. i want to live my life and be carefree, try new foods,drinks, cleaning stuff, bath stuff, shampoo, hair products etc but at the moment there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

some might say this was beyond livable, i cant talk to family as they'll just think im crazy!! i constantly worry im going to have an aniphilactic (sp) reaction and there wont be enough time to get somewhere, petrified of dying, but im probably making myself more ill by being like this - there must be a corner i can turn soon??

It is medling with my life to the point that i feel like i should be in a mental home! and my current relationship is suffering as he thinks im turning anorexic but im not - i actually want to eat im starving - i just physically cant, otherwise i know for the hour after - i'll feel like im dying - i have even called for an ambulance on 3 seperate occasions thinking im actually dying!

any thoughts, similar stories, just anything would be great!

thank you

sam.

[dread]

First of all..hello and welcome to NMP, you'll find people here very helpful :)

It sounds to me like a perfect case of Anxiety and panic attacks, and a lot of what you are saying rings true with myself and many others....so you are most definitely not alone!
I would advise you to check out a lot of the links on the left side of the page about anxiety, because half of recovery is understanding the symptoms and anxiety itself!

it IS entirely possible to recover from this, no matter how bad you think it is.
Have you ever sought help for it before? Not the GP, if that's hard, but anything, like counseling or CBT?

[Col]

Hi Sam, I'm 31 with 2 children. I suffered with a breakdown last February and I won't go into it because it would fill this entire page but, if your board Ive gone into loads of details on my first couple of post and thread. I've always been a go getter and the 'expected' career women of the family. In short .My world changed when at 20 I had my first child and basically it's all gone pear shaped since then. All I've I've ever done is try and keep everyone happy at the expense of my health. Which I am now seriously paying for. I married my now hubby in secret - cultural reasons! my parents have had a volatile relationship , women , affairs , anger, arguments basically, finally ended after several coming and going of my dad. This resulted in mum going nasty , resenting me for having a baby , despite the fact I was older than her when i had my first ~ she was 18,19. She then overdosed my little brother was in the house, now he doesn't speak to her (7-8yrs), the physicians at the time admitted to me, they thought the overuse was more attention seeking. I bought and sold 2 houses before I was 24, flipping back and forth from my mums house in the early days. This environment - abusive I paid my way - always! I FINALLY left aged23-24 which was just after I got married in secret and moved in with, the in-laws - ( big mistake). Hubby has got 6 other siblings 3 of which were living at his mum and dads when we moved in. There Pakistani,so culturally difficult anyway. Coming from an English family, they immediately started with - you need to wear this and that, change your name etc. horrendous! They stole off me, they would make it perfectly clear if they didn't agree with something I was doing. I would have to clean the house before going anywhere! Once I was going to see my auntie and a friend because it was Christmas , my mum inlaw ( bearing in mind they didn't want anything to do with my daughter for 3 yrs) said to my daughter "I don't like Claire I don't like your auntie". I was doing a degree in science at this time, did remarkably well, surprisingly. My dad has now got a 6 year old to another women and is racist! After my 2nd baby needed to buy a house near school posh area but, we had lived with in laws for 5+ years. Dad loaned 10k , was meant to give my bursery money ( was doing PGCE teacher training just before breakdown) to him last year, but breakdown. He's the sort who boasts, he sits with 98k etc around him some mornings!!!! He holds it against me not being able to pay him back as planned.I think he thinks my breakdown was a plan to get his money for the deposit and not pay back. I WISH!!!!! He says, this is his house behind my back , to my bro & basically "does her mother know she's sat in my house" ???? Gosh a house for 10k - he's a joke!!! We've not spoken since summer. My body gave up, hence last February Major meltdown. Working too much a 8-9 year old and a little boy under 2, I was physically unwell and this made the mental side worse. I would get to my placement and panic , heart would be jumping out of my chest. and total horrendous sense of imminent collapse!

Now Im better compared to last year but, most of what you suffer with I have,.
I'm a shadow of my former , larger than life character. Just horrendous .
I've had agoraphobia, shear panic over taking any medication, breathless, stomach cramps, feeling like my throats going to collapse. Awful.

Sorry for rant its clearer on my first threads/posts.
I just hope this gives you some reassurance in that, your really not alone.
Takecare of yourself, NMP will Be invaluable to you:flowers:

[flipped]

If your drinking 10 cups of tea a day try to have decaff as caffinated tea or coffee does not help with anxiety, hope your well soonx x