My story-just looking for support and similar experiences

[nicbub]

Hi I've recently joined this site and just thought I'd post about me and how I've been feeling. Sorry if it is a long post...
I've been suffering from anxiety with depression for roughly 8 years now. I have been on and off medication over the years and I last came off 40mg citalopram July 2011 as I was pregnant with my little boy. I was really worried about coming off it but the doctor said my body would produce 'happy hormones' anyway being pregnant. I guess he must have been right because even though my pregnancy was pretty tough my depression wasn't that bad. After my son was born I was monitored closely by health visitors as I had a high chance of being post natally depressed but apart from normal baby blues, which I mainly put down to extreme tiredness, I thought I coped quite well and I was never diagnosed with it. However in the last few weeks I have started to feel extremely low again. I feel irritable, depressed and my anxiety is the worst it's ever been. I have been going to a baby group once a week to get out of the house and although I haven't made any friends there, there are usually a couple of people I have a bit of a conversation with. Some days it takes all my strength to get out of the house because a lot of my anxiety is to do with social situations. I was feeling really anxious yesterday but still went. I didn't speak to anyone all afternoon. Everyone seemed to be in small groups or twos and were chatting between themselves. I felt panicky immediately and after an hour or so I just had an urge just to get up and leave but couldn't because I was worried about people looking at me and wondering what I was doing so I sat through it getting more and more depressed. Anyway that night I couldn't get it out of my head and I've also been worrying about going back to work soon and I ended up having a panic attack. I haven't had one in years and I was so scared and upset I just burst into tears. I have been to the doctor this morning and he has put me straight back onto 20mg citalopram. I don't know how I feel about it, in one way I guess I'm glad but in another I was hoping I could cope without it but anxiety/depression always seems to creep back into my life and take over :weep:
I know how hard it can be coping with this in life and really hoping to meet friends and share smilar experiences on here with people to help each other get through it, x

[Annie0904]

Hi I hope you start to feel better soon when the medication starts to work. Maybe your doctor could also refer you for counselling? Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs:

[nicbub]

Thanks Annie. I have tried counselling before but I'd be willing to try again. I'm going back in a couple of months so if things haven't improved ill ask about it. Hope you're ok x

[ElizabethJane]

I'm sorry that you are feeling depressed again. I found National Childbirth Trust groups really supportive. They are a national organisation and there will be a group near you. Also you might want to consider doing something like Aqua Aerobics where there is a crèche and where baby can be looked after and you have some time to yourself. EJ

[Thumbelina]

Hi Nicbub,
I can relate to your experience. I had my kids 10 and 8 years ago. I did have anxiety issues before my pregnancy but they were not aknowledged yet by me. My birth was not what i thought of it and traumatised me allot, i was not prepared for it. I had no idea what i should have experienced. Everybody was telling me it was easy so i refused any painkilles and when it actually happened i was in shock of the experince + mixed with feeleng of magic over birth of my son. I got very sick 5 days after delivery with the flu and was burning in fever and bound to bed. I had nobody at all to help me as we lived very far away feom any friends of family. 1 month later instarted baby blues and because the doctor couldnt belive me and wasnt listening to me about what i was telling her - my post natal depression was untreated. I was a wreck, scared of knives,scared i was going to hurt my son, and etc, but was not sharing it with anybody as i was embarrassed. I only a year later started having symptoms of a panic attacks that took me to ER, where the only thing they found out - palpitations. By then i had my daughter and one postnatal went into the second one and then 2,5 years after birth of my first i started having regilar panic attacks and nobody for another year would tell me what was wrong with me. I started getting depressed and changing medications and only 3rd doc fold me that at the time i had GAD. I had attacks coming and going, i have mot had proper treatment at all all this time, so after it took me years for medications and CBT to work. I took cipralex for 4 solid years and attacks became less and leas frequent. Last one was 1,5 years ago until 2 weeks ago. I also became very upset, but on the bright side we know we got better before so we will get over this time, just at our own pace. Think that the reason for you to get better is your son. You will do anything for him!

[nicbub]

Thanks ElizabethJane. I don't have any family support myself but my mother in law has been great and she sometimes takes my little one off my hands so I can do my own thing or just catch up on sleep so thats great.
Thumbalina you're right my son is my world. I'm sorry you had such a traumatic time, my birth was extremely traumatic as well and it ended up with my baby being seperated from me in ICU straight away after a long induced labour and emergency c-section. I was in hospital for 5 days in total and it took me a long time to get over the shock and accept what happened (still not sure I have) so I'm surprised I didn't breakdown sooner to be honest.
Thanks for replying it's good to talk to people x