FEEL SO CLOSE TO GIVING UP

[fran43]

Hi

I thought all my problems would be resolved once I got home. They are far from that. My husband is looking withdrawn, my memory is so bad, concentration impossible. I dont know how much more i can take.

Yesterday evening got so blown out of proportion that I grabbed my car keys and take that was it, life was over. It was far from a cry for help. I have had enough of feeling unreal, far, stupid for not understanding simple instructions.

I hope someone can identify with these feelings and say how they managed to get through them but I am out of answers.

FranX

[kazzie]

Hi Fran please dont do anything silly, i wish I could answer your problems but I cant but one thing I know is that you really must stop beating yourself up like this. You have just been through major trauma with your holiday and the stress of getting home and I think you need to just take a few days to recover and let the world take a few spins and im sure you will feel a little better. what you have just done is a fantastic achievment dont lose sight of that!!! Please try to relax and stop worrying and im sure you will see things more positivly soon take care luv kaz x

[net]

hi fran

i felt exactly like that 3 years ago when my deression was at its worse. my friend got me to go to dr again and went with me to explain how i was as i couldnt explain it. he out me on high risk and sent me to a cpn who referred me to a therapist, i take fluoxetine. i also take one day at a time and now when i have a set back i know i will improve. fortunately for me i help run a group (not for depression) and our vicechair is a trained counsellor so i get a lot of help from him. talking about ny feelings helped as he taught me that it was okay to feel how i was and ok to cry.
don't know if this helped but if you ever need to talk i will gladly be here for you you can pm me or email me.

netty

don't walk in front, i may not follow. don't walk behind, i may not lead
just walk beside me.

[polly daydream]

Oh Fran please try to stay positive sweet, like Kaz saids you must stop beating yourself up, now you are home relax and take things easy, you will feel better soon.

Take care,

Polly x

[manmoor]

Fran hun never ever give up. I know its so hard sometimes but we're all here for you. Thinking of you.

Take Care

Mandyxx

[Insomniac]

Hi Fran.

You've been through the most amazing challenges with your travels. And my husband would agree that caring for someone with panic and anxiety does take a toll because you worry about them and want to help and support, but he says he feels helpless too.

When I came back from my holiday I had a big panic attack which left me feeling dazed and disjointed for days afterwards. When your body is under so much stress it will take time to recuperate. Hang in there Fran. We're all here for you. (((HUG)))

Lisa

Is there light at the end of the tunnel or is that an oncoming train?

[fran43]

Thanks for all your heart felt replies.

I do beat myself up. I forget I am dealing with recovering from anorexia, tranquilliser addition, an 18yr old who relies solely on supporrt and guidance and a ten year old who is now bored (because his three week holiday is over). Not a lot to deal with! I so feel fat and ugly and old.

I know I need to take things slowly but my mind is rapid. I am already freaking out about his school uniform and he is not back to school until Sep 5th.

A lady from CRUISE phoned for bereavement counselling. At this moment in time I think it would open massive wounds that I cannot deal with. My dad was (apart from hubby and kids) the most important person in my life. There are numerous reasons why that was. I totally hate my adoptive mum who beat me/said she was divorcing my dad a week before he went into hospital and consequently died on life support and I was the only one there (and we are going to dinner with her tonight).

I hate having to say I love her when I dont but that is necessary to keep her on an even keel.

I am ending this post and my mind is going literally mad and have to prepare a smile when we go over there tonight.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

FranX

[Dave777]

Fran, keep it going for your Family and the friends you have on here.
I have had some serious downers myself but with support you will grow stronger.
PM me anytime if you need a shoulder

Davexx

[suzanne]

You have done amazing some of us can only dream of what you have done.

I think it takes time to adjust to being back home.
Everyone feels sad, tired, spaced out and fat when returning back from there holidays, obviously these are issues are triplefold for the likes of us.

Take care
suzanne

s shaw

[fran43]

Hi

Thanks for your posts.

I have tried to rest. Being home has triggered thoughts and raised new situations, previously forgotten.

I am off to my GP tomorrow (with husband in tow). Enough is enough. It is true, I have done things but dont see them as achievements. I feel fat because of recovery from being anorexic for 19 years.

I just feel I need more help than has been offered. In my view it is not asking a lot as I am putting so much effort into everything I do.

I will let you all know how I get on tomorrow.

Take good care of yourselves.

Fran X

[missacorah]

Yes you really need to stand your ground now and get what you want and deserve, although I am wholly aware that with some of these doctors this is easier said than done! Look forward to hearing you telling us you have some answers after the doctors.

Thinking of you!

[fran43]

Well that real hard work, saw my GP this morning.

My husband did most of the talking, I sat there with sweaty palms. I really feel bad this morning as I have not slept. I had repeated P/As throughout the night. As my concentration is limited I tried to read but putting on the TV is not an option as my husband and kids were asleep. I wanted human company and not four walls to look at.

He agreed with us that enough time had passed and that he would talk to the Primary Mental Health care worker and when I see him he can refer me on to a psychiatrist. He said it would be far faster that way that do it direct himself.

He has also increased the dose of the antidepressant and has put me on propanalol (a beta blocker). Hopefully this may help but at least I feel I may be getting somewhere.

Take care of yourselves.

Fran X

[kazzie]

Thats good news fran....fingers crossed you will be feeling better really soon! Take care luv kaz x

[fran43]

Thanks Kaz

The surgery phoned five minutes ago and my appointment with the CPN is in ten days. According to my doc, he should then refer me to a Psychiatrist and then who knows.

I have a bereavement counsellor coming to my home tomorrow. I dont want to open wounds. However, I am not going to get over my dad's death - how I went in 18 hrs per day to feed him and look after him, being told he would be discharged with new meds but then seeing him in ICU and the only one with him when his life support was switched off.

I know I have to deal with a whole host of feelings and professionals but I do want a life that is better than this and despite my being under the 45yr old mark, I am going to be a Nan in December. I would love to start having excited feelings about that. I want to feel good things and stop feeling unreal and suicidal.

Take care of yourself and thanks for post.

Take good care of yourself.

Fran X

[kazzie]

Hi Fran sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you at last!!! Dont worry about being a nan I became one a month after my 40th birthday its not that bad!!! Having said that i havent seen my grandaughter for over a year due to family split but i enjoyed the 3 years i had with her once i got over the shock!!!! Take care and stay positive luv kaz x

[Paddington]

hello Fran,my what a journey you have made over the last few days ,let alone years!You are doing so wel ,you are taking control!May not feel like it ,but YOU are!I was with my father when he died too,it is such a shock..well you know what i mean.You tell all to your councellor Fran,it is so important to your full recovery.My panic disorder started after the death of my father 19 yr ago!I am sure it was holding in the pain that caused it.I also started to abuse food.Compulsive eating in my case.Still battling with that one!You are on the road to recovery ,i am sure of it!Oh and ii became a Nan at 39!!!!Took him to his 1st rock concert a few weeks ago!!You will get there too hun.All the best,here if you fancy a natter,love mary rose.xxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[fran43]

Hi Sassy and Kaz

Looking back on threads i truly wonder what I was saying!

My anorexia has been with me for 19 yrs. My dad died less than 10 months ago. Having taken too many tranquillisers over the years and stopping them (my initiative) has definitely brought back rebound anxiety but it has also brought back severe bad feelings surrounding my dad's death and how I do not get on with my mother.

I eat constantly and am getting bigger and while I say to others I do not care, I do. Getting into a bath is a PA situation because of how big I feel, hate looking at my body.

I must relearn and start to love myself otherwise I run the risk when things do start to settle, of wanting to lose the weight I have gained in the last four months.

Thanmks for your supportive replies. The bereavement counsellor is coming in 20 minutes and I am in one major PA. I know this is one thing I have to do but it is so painful I just feel like screaming.

Will catch up later. Need to make sure lounge etc is tidy.

Take good care of yourselves.

Fran X

[kazzie]

let us know how it goes fran, thinking of you, luv kaz x

[fairygirl]

Hey Fran
I can identify with you. I managed to get to Spain to see my sister this month. I hadn't been abroad for 17 years or on plane for 30 years. I was so chuffed with myself. I was anxious but coped and did lots of things which I actually enjoyed. I had a bad panic attack on day 6 and we eventually flew home 2 days early as I had had enough, but felt very positive about what I'd done. I hoped it would give me more confidence when I got home, but like you I am worse I
am panicking more than before and feel very depressed. I thought I would be elated about what I had done. I was but it only lasted about 24 hours.
I am just trying to plod on. i think my body and your's too will be exhausted from the increased anxiety levels we have had while we were away and it takes a while to calm down. I think you need to be kind to yourself as you have been through an ordeal. I try to keep busy with little jobs in the house and watch a DVD when I want to distract myself. Just remember this is a bad patch brought on by extra anxiety and you will come out the other side.
Love Wendy x

[fran43]

Hi Kaz and FairyGirl

Thanks for your fast response!

The bereavement counsellor has a three month waiting list but has said she will put me as top priority as I was honest with her about dealing with dad's death, not getting on with my mother (who said she was going to divorce my dad a week before he went into hospital), dealing with anorexia and having given up tranquillisers.

I had and seem to have continued with the after effects with this and could not get hold of my husband or daughter. I had a glass of wine to calm me down (not sure that is a real good thing to do but it takes the edge off things (a few too many glasses make the PA's totally unmangeable).

Went out to get a proper hot dog with hubby and son (the USA hot dogs are frankfurters which, to me, are foul!).

Peeled potatoes, did ironing. I am still surprised that even when trying to keep busy thoughts etc enter into my mind and that is why nothing gets put back in the same place.

Fairygirl, I think you are right that 3 weeks away and doing theme parks, queues, crowds have taken their toll. For some reason I hate the inactivity back home and I always ask my husband the night before what the plan of action is the next day!

I guess there is a limit between too much or too little. Finding a happy medium is the hard bit.

I hope this bereavement counsellor and the CPN counsellor will do something that will help. I am willing to change and I guess they alll see that, I just need help from professionals, especially as I have little social support.

I may post later. I feel this may be a long day!!!!!!

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Fran XX

[missacorah]

Fingers crossed for you Fran!

[Insomniac]

Hi Fran

You are doing so well. You sound so much better than when you first got home. You should be so proud of your achievements.

Being brave enough to face and deal with all those things is great! Well done for being so honest with the bereavement counsellor.

Lisa.

[fran43]

Thanks Lisa

Some hours have been better than others. I cant I have slept in until mid day most days since I got back from the USA.

It wil be sad but nice to (a) have my daughter go move permanently into her own flat next Thursday and (b) have our son back to school! This is the first summer holiday where he has not been at summer school pre or post holiday and a constant presence is definitely becoming too much.

My daughter dyed my hair this morning. Probably the longest I have sat still (besides a plane seat).

Not too keen on weekends (bank holidays) or unstructured days. Hopefully with the bereavement counselling in the pipeline, seeing the CMHT worker, my son back at school etc the "working week" becomes more structured.

It does not stop me worrying about my husband who is fourteen years old than me (I am 45) and just how long he can cope with all this.

Thanks again for your post.

Take care of yourself.

Fran XX

[Melxxx]

Fran,

Just too let you know I am thinking about you hope everything goes well with the councillor. Please don’t give in I know it’s hard but life will get better.

Take Care

Mel xx

[fran43]

Hi Mel

Thanks for your post.

Today has been hard. I am waiting for Claire Weekes book (had to order them from Amazon and the two books our library had not been returned since 2004). I know the hard work has to be done my me!

It didn't help yesterday when our neighbour, who has been agrophobic for 20 plus years say it was vital I got help before I got like her. Nothing like positive statements. I feel very down and at the moment find some friends too loud and cheerful (if that makes sense to anyone).

Since I have PA's indoors or out then there is little point looking on home as safe. I feel I have to do something all the time otherwise thoughts begin to go wild ie I cant stand like being like this forever.

It is getting late again and I need to bed down one child who thinks he still is on holiday in the USA and his clock (let alone mine is well and truly out). School starts on 5 Sep so he will need some training himself.

Take care of yourself.

Fran XX

[Melxxx]

Hi Fran,

Hope you are having a better day. I would ignore your neighbours comment. Even through it was given in good faith sometimes hearing things like that don’t help. I should know my mom god bless her was always giving what she thought was good advise but it only made me feel worst. I did have help off a councillor, which did me the world of good. Basically she gave the kick up the bottom I needed to get back out and about.

You will get there Fran it’s not easy but you will I am sure. You seem like a very strong person too me.

Love

Mel xx