GAD. Ups and downs. My diary

[Thumbelina]

Hi,
I am 35, and i have posted on many threads in past 2weeks especially but i feel like highjacking peoples threads so I decided to post my storyline.
I have two kids 10 and 8, boy ans a girl and i am currently going through some panic and anxiety issues. I have many reasons in my life for them, like my husband loosing his job 8 m ago, him getting very sick because of it, then he started drinking heavily, then him moving far away to work, yet i know i am overeacting. There is no need for such a drama - but my GAD doesnt think so. I had panic attack 2 weeks ago and since then i am up and down, cant eat, sleep once in few days, lost lots of weight. And what upsets me the most people notice it and tell .me - ohhh whats wrong with you, you are not looking so good... I wish they just kept quiet.
This is he main reason for my vicious circle. I will go and see my doctor today because she gave me appointment 1 week after medications started. I hope she will not be upset with me because i am still a wreck and feel bery shaky. I areived from 7 hr flight 1am where i went to see my husband, i took kids to school rhis morning and went to work at 7. Inhave not shut my eyes, and it was one of those when your eyes are closing but the mind keeps them opened.
I had one or two day during this 2 weeks when i was feeling slightly better but today after half night flight and jetlag i am knacked again and all shaking and sicky. I came to work but will not be able to stay here long. Also my dad had a heart attack last week and is in the hospital now. I had a moment of clear head the day my mum called me about my dad like as if its not about me anymore. But I guess anxiety came back again.
Today my head is pretty clear compared to first days after big attack, but my body is so tired, i am shaky from my stomach and sicky,
I had a small bottle of juice milk, almost full banana, one bottle of yougurt drink about 5 spoons of porridge, and half bottle of water. Do you think its enough for breakfast?
Thank you for reading

[Annie0904]

I am not surprised you are feeling so anxious at the moment you have so many things going on and you must be exhausted. You need to give some time to yourself. Will you still get paid at work if you are sick? I really think you need to take some time to rest and give yourself time to get better. Anxiety is not something that disappears overnight. I am not good at eating either so try to eat little and often. :bighug1:

[Thumbelina]

Thanks Annie,

I can only take holidays, cause if i take sick leave for anx and panic, i might loose my job, and will be thrown out of the country. I live now in the middle east. They dont need a nut case here - they will bring another person. My manager is understanding but i cant tell him how exactly i feel, i can only describe my circumstances and he understood that its tought and allowed me to take few days off to go and see my husband to the other side of the world. This trip was important but at the same upsetting as i saw him bein lonely and it was physically difficult as i am in full anxiety state and not eating well.

On the other note, I am also trying to put puzzles together now and actually 1 week before my panic sttack i was taking Amoxicilin 2mg a day for infection (thats an elephant dose for me as i am less than 50kg) I didnt have diarhea or anything too bad while i was taking them. And as soon as finished, the next day attack happened and also all the hell broke in.
Could it contribute?
I dont know - but even if it didnt - there are many other reasons.
Thanks

[Annie0904]

Any physical illness can contribute to anxiety. Every time I am ill my anxiety gets worse. You do have a lot of other factors as well though and anyone would have some degree of stress dealing with those so anyone already anxious will feel worse. I am not sure how easy it is to get counselling where you are? x

[Thumbelina]

Hi Annie, i did go and saw one lovely psychologist here and will go again this week. This is no problem at all, i was lucky to find one good person.
It helped before allot.

[Annie0904]

Hi Annie, i did go and saw one lovely psychologist here and will go again this week. This is no problem at all, i was lucky to find one good person.
It helped before allot.

I am pleased about this :)

[hellybelly1982]

Hi hunny,
Sounds like you are going through a tough time. Does your husband live in England (because of work) and you in the middle east, is that correct?
You sound very poorly at the moment and I really think you need some time off and you DEFIENTLY need to get back to your doctor. Having no sleep and not eating will defiently be making you feel worse and adding to the viscious circle that is anxiety. You must go back to your doctor though and I strongly recommend you go back and see your doctor ASAP. x

---------- Post added at 10:31 ---------- Previous post was at 10:30 ----------


Hi Annie, i did go and saw one lovely psychologist here and will go again this week. This is no problem at all, i was lucky to find one good person.
It helped before allot.

What has she said about your medication?

[Thumbelina]

Just came back from psychiatrist, told her that i just arrived at 1am, and she said she wanted me to stay home for few days. I cant do that as i will loose job - i would rather show my face and then sneak away.
She said medications will soon help me to start eating and sleeping.

Hellybelly: no my husband is in far east asia now. We have been away from uk for some time now. Only going back for visits.

[Annie0904]

I know it isn't easy when you are on your own with 2 young children but you must try to rest as much as you can :hugs:

[Thumbelina]

I hope i will just collapse tonight and will be fresh tomorrow even if with anxiety.
I have trembling in my chest and belly. Doc said definately anx. Checked my bp - ok. Weight - lost 4 kg within 1m. From 52 to 48kg.

[Annie0904]

Try to eat little and often, I lost a lot of weight a few months ago but my appetite is starting to improve again. x

[hellybelly1982]

Why are you convinced you will ose your job? What has your psych said about this? You really need to rest x

[Thumbelina]

When you work here you pass all sorts of health checks so you only work if you are fit. Just trying to put my head down now. Doctor offered sick leave but I said its not a good idea. Will see if I need I will take more holidays.

[Thumbelina]

Tried to go to bed early last night around 9pm as my body was extremely tired.
As soon as got to bed the burning of the inside of the arms and a bit of the chest started, as well as mild trembling. I thnkin i still was going in and out of sleep every 30 min 1 hr. 3am was wide awake.
Not the sleep i was waiting for. I wanted my normal sleep. Hope i will feel better later.
Positive: inthink head is clearer than the days before 1st attack. Also the sleep today is better than yestetday (yeatetday none). I didnt go to the toilet as many times as i did 2 days before, so some food has been kept inside. Hoping its all the sideeffects of cipralex, which should go away.

[Thumbelina]

Day 17 since big panic attack.
Had no sleep last night, but was feeling less down during the day. The only thing is because i have not slept properly i have panda eyes and everybody tells memi look tired at work. I wish they were not saying it...
Positive: i had a bowl of cereal at work for breakfast with less nausea as the days before. I could even taste it. Had cup cake and banana for snack and a subway sandwich with a bit cup of tea for dinner. I am pleased that i also have been less times to the loo.
Extremely exausted though.
My big wish - to sleep at least few solid hours tonight.

Thanks

[Thumbelina]

Day 18.
Have definately had few hours of solid sleep without waking up. I think 2,5hrs min.
What a massive difference.
Last night even managed to cook roast chicken and some potatoes for kids linch today. I was extremely tired yesterday.
Since morning while driving started catching myself on checking on myself.
Well and thats why i think i was hyperventilating all day long at work. My chest is burning and airpipe is hurting. I am not even understanding why anxiety came out today for me as this symptom.
It was with me all day. Came home - started decorating for christmas and if started coming over me, lightheaded, breathing more and more. But i promised kids will do it today so i couldnt leave it. At some point i was going to give up and lie down but then thought - screw you, i am not stopping putting up christmas decorations to sit and have panic attack or anything like that. I continued and it slowly went away. My chest is still hurting but i think it because i was like a hoover all day long...
A bit upset because of this stupid thing today because my head is pretty clear and a had some sleep. Well i guess its not going go away as fast as i want it to - now!
Hope i will sleep again at least as much as last night.
My Dad got out of the hospital yesterday after heart attack.
I have not told my mam about being in the state as i dont want her to worry more.
Thanks for listening.

[Thumbelina]

Day 24
Since the panic attack n1 in 2012.
I have been gradually getting my sleep back, not solid but with less anx. I did wake up 3 and 2 days ago at 3-4am wih the pounding heart and spent the rest of the time in the bathroom and on the computer.
Yesterday (a weekend here) cleaned the whole house, cooked lovely meal for kids, done shopping, worked on resolving some family business problems... So was a bit overwhelmed.
Last night fell asleep without taking my cipralex 5mg. Woke up at 2am and took it. Was ok in the morning but a bit breathless at work now, yawning and grasping for air all the time. I remember i was yawning allot when i started cipralex Almost 6 years ago first time... This gives me burning chest, thought my head is pretty clear and no sign of depressed mood.... Strange why the basic anxiety symptoms are still popping up every day....
My daugter was sick on wednesday and i had to be at the hospital with her, maybe that accumulated some new anxiety for me... Possibly.
I know - small steps, just one at a time... To get back some sleeping and some appetite back during 2 weeks is massive.
Though i feel pretty exausted with accumulated lack of sleep,
weigt loss and all the other collection of symptoms...
Hope it is the progress, just wish these sudden anx symptoms would stop popping up..
Thanks

[Annie0904]

Reading through your post Thumbalina I can see you making good progress and I hope you can too. We still have to accept that some days are going to be better than others. You have had a lot going on but you do seem to be getting more control over it now which is good and I think you have achieved a lot this week. Even small steps will get us to our destination eventually :)

[Laurenita]

Hey Thumbalina :)

Just wanted to let you know that I'm following your diary and I want to offer you as much support as I can, as you have offered me!

About the sleep, I used to be the same. My anxiety has worsened, yup, but my sleep has got a lot better. I used to wake up over 10 times in the night, I had no problem falling asleep but I just couldn't stay awake. I started listening to sleep hypnosis and it's honestly worked wonders for me!

Hope today is a brighter day for you x

[Thumbelina]

Thank you Annie and Laurentina for support.
Hope your day is positive today.

[Thumbelina]

Day 26.
Its going to be a month since the first attack happened. It actually feels like its has been much longer. Maybe because so much hapenned during this time.. I had 7 hours sleeps for the past 2 nigts, such a difference...
Was very busy yesteday at work and actually i have not " thought" of my anxiety for half day due to that. My ladies time of the month is comng up and i felt yesterday the sudden doom as i do every month this time. Caught myself in this state and tried to explain to myself that it was only hormons...
The shakes, the palpitations slowly fading away...started looking more into perspective, looking forward to few upcoming events...
Diarhea changed to constipation - which actually bothers me a bit. Will try to drink more from today.
Spoke to my dad very long.'he is recovering after heart attack. He told me that he is confident that his heart attack provoked by his overthinking and stress, as at 62 he is fitter than many younger ones doing 1 hr morning excersises every day. (I have not told my family about my set back)
He is determined to change his attitude to life - and have more - i dont give a "sh..." approach...
In general the symptoms are fading away slowly, sleeping returned and eating is better. I know there will be still blips on the way, and not looking forward to them, but what can i do, will deal with it when it happens.
I am pretty sure my 5mg cipralex is helping, and also moving with friends for few days, time and being on NMP allot as well.
Thank you for reading.

[Annie0904]

Pleased to hear that things are improving for you. :yesyes:

[Thumbelina]

Hi everybody,
Its March 26th today, and my recent major episode began on 17th of Nov 2012. I see I posted here last on 11th of Dec.
I have not been posting as i tend to dissapear when things are going back to normal just as if nothing happened before... I am not sure its good or bad, I just get into routine and get so busy that i dont even open the page... I guess its selfish a bit.
Its been few days since i have been a bit more anxious as normal. The reasons are obvious to me: 2 weeks on work trip which had a disasterous situation where i kept it together but probably it all went in the GAD bank, left kids with my mam, was worried, came back feeling sick after the trip, and have to do too many things at the moment. So I guess my "processor" is saying slow down a bit - and puts me in the anxiety mode.
I have not slept a minute last night - have no idea why...
I have been skipping my 5mg of cipralex since i restarted them again, so that could be partially a reason also feeling unwell gave me right shakes this time triggered all sorts of health anxieties. Also my dad is still recovering from a heart attack, which worries me so much. I have not spoke to the doctor yet but prob he will say that these are still "aftershocks" from November and that it is normal. I will keep taking the meds now daily as it is helping me definately whether therapeutically or psychologically only, as the dose is pretty small.
Thanks for listening.
M

[Thumbelina]

It was my bday yesterday i turned 36. My husband works away now and we live abroad as well. My kids wanted us to go to the restaurant which we did and turned out lovely with the cake and a song and a framed picture. None of the work colleagues remebered that it was my bday though i get cake for all of them. Prob its because the only person that remebered and sent me an email is on holidays... we are the only 2 women at the office so the rest of the 20 guys just proved that they dont care much.... i actualy was a bit upset to realise that. Strange but today for some reason my head is pretty clear but i have a bit of shakes and anger (prob from yesterday as nobody still remembered....) i dont want to be angry today but i am. I admit it. The frustrationis also with me today and a bit of a low mood. Otherwise head clear...
Will see tomor.

[Thumbelina]

5th of April.
Almost got over the birthday thing at work. The birthday of one of the guys who didn't remember was on wednesday and I arranged small celebration...
Have been less and less remembering through the day panic and anxiety word. Concentrating on all the things that need to be done before I take 12 days off work and go with the kids to see my hubby. He is so excited, bless him.... I have too many holidays and he doesnt so we fly 7 hours to see him instead....
There is one thing that upset me last night: went to drop off the kids to their friends and was sitting with their family at the back garden for 20 mins. Was chatting away and having a great convers, until all of them started smoking. I just suddenly felt like I couldn't breath at all, all the symptoms of anx instantly came, my chest started hurting, i tarted hyperventilating, even left hand started being like shaky and having some kind of spasm... So weird and unpleasant. My husb used to smoke but stopped a year ago and we all hated it when he did. Nobody else smokes in our families... Have no idea why I had such a weird reaction to a sigarette smoke...
I left very soon after it started with the confused head and drove to the shops... Walked around a bit and I thnk it cleared up. Was trying to mentally withdraw myself from that smoking situation and doing self talking.
Some strange trigger, Wil try not to dwell on it...
Thanks

[Meewah]

Hi Thumbelina

The doctor has said its anxiety, yes? If this is the case then stop fighting it let it do its worse. I understand your dilemma with work but the sooner you allow the feelings to flow over you without fighting them the sooner you will recover. I use the analogy when you are on a fairground ride that you don't like. If you fight it and try to resist all the twists and turns you make the suffering worse. If you just close your eyes and try to relax through the uncomfortable sensations you make it a much easier ride.

Forget about the sleep everything will return to normal when you have stopped fighting these sensations, I promise. Try deep relaxation exercises and some meditation. Fill a bath and light candles, Sometimes the very trying to relax becomes the fight and so you have to distract yourself by doing something that needs concentration and you enjoy.

Its so easy for me to say all these things, I am in a reasonably calm state at the moment and I agree it is much easier to bring yourself down from a mild anxious state than when you are having a full fight or flight response. The problem is we have involved this fantastic protective mechanism that has allowed us to continue as a race. It is so strong and so effective at protecting us it is hard to beat. When something is too powerful to beat you should become submissive to it. Allow it work its protective symptoms on you and you just let it get on with it in the background of your life. Its your friend after all it will protect you from harm. Enjoy the ride it can't harm us.

Mee

---------- Post added at 09:41 ---------- Previous post was at 09:37 ----------

Woops didn't see the date.

Glad your feeling better. Even better because you can practice what I put in my post so you are better armed next time.


Mee