not sure where to post this ...

[swgrl09]

The holidays are coming up fast and soon my sister will be home with her husband, who if you didn't already know, did some really traumatic things to me last year ... won't get into details.

I am getting quite anxious about them coming back home. My dad and my other sister insist that he will not be allowed at their homes and won't be welcome at our holiday celebrations, but I can't trust the sister who is married to him to keep him away. She still thinks he did nothing wrong and blames me about the whole thing. She says I am punishing her and so is the rest of the family for not letting him be around.

The thing is I am nervous she will just show up with him at our family events and I don't know how I will react. Not all of our extended family knows about what happened (I wanted to tell them but was told not to). So at their homes he is welcome ... and I really don't know what I would do if I came face to face with him again. My fiance would go crazy too. I am so nervous about them coming home.

Right now they live in California but are coming back across the states to the east coast for the holidays. They moved out there right after this happened so they would not have to deal with the consequences...

Guess my question is how can I get through the holidays terrified of running into him?

[missybct]

Hi hon.

I'm sorry to hear you have suffered at the hands of this man. I'm even more sorry that it seems your sister is blaming you for what happened. Sometimes people are blinded by loyalty and it's unfair that you are being punished for this.

I am glad that your father and other sister will not be allowing this man into their homes. As for the other family members, is there any way you can visit them at another time other than your sister and her husband? I know it's not ideal, as family members like everyone to come over together, but you could perhaps say you really want to see them, but can't come over on the day that your sister and her husband are there. That means you don't explicitly have to say what happened between you and him. Another idea would be to invite the family members to your home, without that invite being extended to your sis and her husband. That way you can monitor who is in your house and who is being invited.

The fear of running into him is less easy to deal with. Because I'm not sure what happened as I've not been around on here long and because I don't want you to have to recount something that was clearly traumatic, I don't know how best to advise. I would like to think that if you bumped into him in the street, absolutely nothing would happen.

Stay strong x

[paranoidtree]

I agree with the above, maybe try to see your extended family at an alternative time (maybe phone before you go over to check if your sister and her husband are there first?)

And even if you do run in to them remember you are an amazing strong person! The fact that they moved away means they know what happened was wrong. You are a good person, don't let anyone make you feel any different.

[swgrl09]

Thank you both for your advice. I will try to do that ... I will check first to see if they are going where I want to go ... the little nagging part of me though keeps saying that I shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to miss out on time with my family because what her husband chose to do to me. He shouldn't get to see them and I miss out... ugh just frustrating and sad. Wish my mom was here to help.

[Serenitie]

My Sister's partner did the same thing (from what I can gather) as your brother in law. He caused distress over a period of several years culminating in a traumatic incident. My Sister believed me but minimised what happened, as did my parents.

This issue has caused a lot of tension and fractures in my family. I completely understand and empathise with your distress and frustration at you losing out on family interaction as a result of your brother in law's behaviour. Unfortunately, such incidents are not as rare as we would like to believe or feel they are when we experience such behaviour directly. It is also common for the wronged person to be silenced to keep the family harmony.

I would visit family members when your Sister is not present if at all possible. This is neither right or fair, but it will save you further trauma during the holiday period which is a difficult time for you.

If you ever need to discuss your feelings surrounding this issue further with someone who understands, please do not hesitate to get in touch :hugs:

[swgrl09]

Thank you Serenitie, That was a very kind post. I can't think of the word for how this is ... its infuriating, sad, etc etc etc .. as you know though. Thank you for your help :hugs::hugs:

[Serenitie]

There isn't one word that fits the bill. There are many feelings that will arise from the original trauma and fallout from it. You are entitled to feel them all from anger, frustration, hurt, sorrow and any other feelings which arise. This is part of the healing process and a completely natural response to trauma. You are always welcome to any support I can offer. Take care :hugs::hugs: