Where are friends when you need them?

[claire_2910]

Hello everyone

I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for 4 years. I have highs and lows - it all depends what month of the year it is!

My main areas I have struggled with is: breathing and gasping heavily, claustrophobia/flying, general anxiety and more recently eating ( I feel like I am going to choke).

With every problem, I have struggled and come out the other side. I know what to do and how to control it. However, there 'always seems to be something'. A month back I was struggling to get out of bed I felt so low. Depressed, crying all the time and my breathing was really bad. One day I got up and went councilling and 7 days later I was (almost) me again. I worked at my problems and forced myself to cook dinner, get up and be happy. Now the eating issue has started where I am struggling. Some days are much better than others and even though I am not 100% I am much better than a few weeks back.

I have just finished councilling (CBT) and I am due to start somewhere local. I had one hypnotherapy session which was very expensive.... AND I read lots of self help material and inspiring books. Aside from this, I am running my own business which is doing really well and I am extremely positive in that area and want to be successful.

However....

I avoided telling friends over the years and got on with things (or avoided them). However, after my bad spell this time I decided to open up and let people in. Why did i bother? One friend said "oh maybe your thinking too much about it?" OH HELLO.... :mad: and others just never ask how things are getting on. I don't want them to smoother me and constantly ask, but once in conversation just for them to say "how are you doing with your anxiety?" and maybe a few positive words.

I had a bodyshop party the other month and this is when my fear of choking began. My neighbour was chatting to me whilst eating a sandwich and i was talking and i thought something went down wrong way. Everyone went into the lounge to start the party but I started hyperventilating and thought i was going to collapse. I spent the next hour in my bedroom with my neighbour trying to calm me and crying .. then when i went downstairs not ONE of my friends asked if i was ok. My partner says oh maybe they don't want to ask or bring it up or maybe they feel awkward. True friends ask.

Since I also have a meal booked for a friends birthday. Which, of course i am worried about. I have not mentioned anything up to now to them and was thinking of not going. Instead I decided to text and be honest, tell them how I am feeling and ask if it is ok if I eat before I come then get something small at the meal to be polite and won't have much to drink. She didn't ask me anything and just said that SHE isn't drinking much and SHE just wants a few cocktails.

My partner says I am looking for attention. Which pisses me off. I just want to feel like I have people there to talk to, if needed. My partner is also supportive when I have problems and comes with me to councilling and when I do finish a meal says I am getting better etc. But .... when we argue its a whole different story. I need to sort my life out, I am a mess.... etc..

Is there anyone out there that gets me? That wants to be a TRUE friend. :weep:

Having a bad day :( x

[missybct]

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear you are suffering. As I'm sure you're aware, there are a lot of people on here who suffer from similar symptoms to you, especially the choking/fear of choking. I for one, know how you feel.

I wanted to address something first - your partner is WRONG for saying you are looking for attention. There is a big difference between wanting to be heard and having true friends, and deliberately posting/texting/writing attention seeking phrases designed to get maximum sympathy. I'm sure we're all guilty of having a good moan on Facebook or Twitter etc, and we all know someone who uses them to post every detail of their so called horrible life - usually gaining loads of comments.

The thing is, when you have a condition such as ours, you find that people you once thought had your back suddenly disappear. It can be a number of things - they weren't real friends to start off with, and only want to know you when you're at your best. It could be that they are ignorant to mental illnesses, and don't want to say something that could be taken the wrong way. Sometimes when I read posts on here I realise I don't know what to say, and I think in some cases, "friends" feel that way too.

Unfortunately, there are some people who are just concerned with themselves. They are your best friends when you fit in with their plans, but when you don't, you are expendable.

I completely sympathise with absolutely everything you have said. I have had a long term illness since I was 14 of varying degrees, and know all too well the way people come in and out of your life. When I was at school, I had friends who I thought were brilliant, but once I was in hospital and recovering, not one of them came to visit me. I was lucky enough to break the social glue of another group and become acquainted with them, and some of those people I still speak to today.

I think my problem is that I find it very difficult to trust people. I have met a lot of people in my life; through work, friends of boyfriends, housemates and online. I have spent a long time in my life pondering whether it's a problem with me, and whether I am just not a good friend. But I know that's not true - I put myself on the line with anyone I feel is a good person. I will take them out for meals, send them birthday cards, talk to them and ask how they are. I know I'm not as open as I could be and people have said that before, but I have reason to be - most of the people I've gotten to know, brought drinks, gone to gigs to, shared my home with have all but forgotten me since I had a relapse of my M.E.

Oddly enough, the best friends I have made have been ones that I've met online, and in some cases, never actually met in person. Some people think that is weird; I don't care - what I do care about is someone who wants to spend time getting to know me without me having to buy them off, if that makes sense.

I've rambled quite a lot here, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I know you may feel that way, but you are more than welcome to PM me and we can have a chat :)

[Col]

Hi I suffere with the symptoms you get but, not the choking thing well.....not yet ( touch wood ). Ihate to admit that before last year I was so rude about people who had mental illness of any kind! I am seriously paying for that ignorant attitude of mine now! I just used to think it was naturally nervous shy types of people that suffered with anxiety. I feel awful saying that but, that's how I was. I think maybe your friends might be unaware ( as I was ) and that's why they come accross as ignorant! I'm not defending them at all because from what you have described you'd think there would be at least one of them that would try and understand and that would ask you, especially since you've told them straight and after a few incidents, maybe one would ask! Why don't you try telling them exactly how you feel and exactly what you experience , to try and make them understand what you go through. If after that and all your efforts you feel, they still behave ignorant , distance yourself and maybe in time they'll come running and will need you one day! My hubby is exactly the same! Understands everything one minute and come an argument ~ will push me to the brink! Maybe that's just because where arguing , not because he really means to stress me like that? Well hopefully.

Chat anytime, thank god for NMP:flowers:

[Serenitie]

Maybe you have not met the right friends yet? A true friend accepts you for all you are and offers support. Trust people who are deserving of your trust and let go of the ones who are not to make space for genuine friendships. I wish you well :hugs:

[smit]

I think in terms of friends I get what you mean , when my housemates found out they kind of shrugged it off to . I think it's very hard for people who have no experienced this to know what it is you are going through , certaintly before I got Ill I had no clue "anxiety " could be this awefull . You've done well :) you sounds annoy like me how things keep chopping and changing just think of it as a graph , some little downparts but overall good :) chin up xxxx

[Anxious_gal]

People who don't have anxiety can't understand it.
I would wonder if they didn't bring up the panic attack to save you from further embaressement? Also they might simply have not known what to say.
If they chatted with you afterwards n didn't ignore I would take that as a sign they are still good people.

Even the people closest to you won't always be there, they won't always care and give you support. From the outside you're freaking your self out over nothing.
People view it as self inflicted.

I hate to say this but stick to one or two good friends for problem sharing.
If you over share with too many people it can be viewed as not too good.

I know it sucks n maybe it's not like that for everyone? But for me that's just my view on people I guess.

It's hard when people let you down, I've learnt that people often cannot cope n will run off when you need them most :(

As for your boyfriend I dunno I would never call a friend an attention seeker even if I thought it to be true.

[Thumbelina]

Hi Claire,
Many of the people that are here talking, have lovely friends and partners though hey still do not understand fully what we are foing through. Thats why i am very grateful to nicola and her partner for creating a place for this community of people who struggle.
My best friend is still my best friend though she tells me - snap out of it and she tells me i dont know what hard is and dont apprciate small things around me. I was shocked to hear that when i shared with her, but then i thought, how would she know - and is it the real reason for me to write her off. No its not she is still my best friend and when she is in a right state (of a diffeent kind) i will be on the phone with her for hours in the middle of the night consoling her, because she is my best friend. How can i be mad at her for something she doesnt know.
The same with my husband - ok he saw more and he knows how i suffer when it happens but its still hard for them to get inside our heads and skin and feel what we feel.
I am not mad a them at all. Do your CBT, and like advised here find one or two of those who do understand and also you have 3,500 friends on here. Thats a massive shoulder.
Take care and you are so not alone....

[claire_2910]

Thank you everyone for your comments. It is extremely hard. I am just very upset over it all. I don't think they understand no and to some degree I can forgive them for not understanding. But.... I can't forgive them for not asking if I am ok. It's hard.

:(

[joebloggs]

What everyone has said is so right. It is very, very difficult for those without any idea of what anxiety feels like to even begin to understand. They can sympathise but this is not the same as empathy, which is 'the ability to enter into another's feelings as if they are your own', a very rare gift Also there is the element of fear that comes into this. Any sort of mental disorder (although, in my view, mental illness is very different from nervous illness) is looked upon with fear. 'There but for the grace of God, go I'. So called 'friends' tend to shy away for this reason, but you may find you gather around you other more understanding friends, like those on this site who do not regard you as 'abnormal'. How lucky we are to have this site where we can talk without the old 'pull your socks up, snap out of it' brigade! No criticism here, just plain helpful advice. The two words 'struggling' and 'forcing' appear in your post and that is just what you should not be doing although the temptation is very great. Struggling involves the expenditure of energy and that you do not want. To say you are 'attention seeking' may be true of some but the vast majority of us do not have that in mind. (And you certainly don't). Our main aim is to get well. You have, obviously, been to your GP so it is safe to say that all the symptoms you describe are those of anxiety. The choking feeling is so common. I had it for many years until I read Dr. Weekes. You are running your own business which is wonderful, but it can also be very demanding, so take it easy. Now please try and accept the way you feel at the moment. Worry, struggling, trying to find reasons are time and energy consuming, and the dissipation of energy is the one thing you cannot afford. Please read and re-read the advice given on here. It is good sound stuff. Look after yourself. Beast wishes. joe.

[Cocomademoiselle]

Hi I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. Although I dont have physical panic attacks, more of a anxiety attack and depression. Nobody knows how to deal with it or what to say even your close family partner even. There are those lucky ones that go through life never getting depressed or anxiety. I find it easier to talk to people who have been through it. I have just come to the conclusion nobody will full understand unless they have been in your shoes. I probably wouldnt have understood other people until it happened to me. I would say try not to isolate yourself from your friends because you feel you cant face explaining how you feel etc try and stay as positive as possible as you will come through this and want to see them again. Obviously if you have toxic, nasty friends then cut them out completely. xx