depression/anxiety - negative thinking

[DPC]

Being told by the person you love how difficult my depression and anxiety has been on her for the past 2 years has prompted me to face this. I have begun my confrontation with these issues and am 100% positive of making a full on recovery from them, nothing will hold me back now.

What I want to ask is has anybody any advice on how to lessen the effect of our depressions and anxieties upon those we love?
I ask this because what I have come to realize is how much of an impact this has upon those people, but who are themselves healthy and positive people in their outlook.

Its like these illnesses kill love and passion in a relationship slowly by weighing upon it and grinding it down, piece by piece, until eventually something gives. Whether that be consideration of leaving, love dying out or desire for someone else - I guess they all play a part - and for another to think these thoughts can't be too good for their own health and self image.

Whilst I'm fortunate enough that we are not at this stage, but from the conversation we had they are hovering, I've been made aware of how difficult it is for the person who loves you to not see the person they fell in love with, but in fact a negative thinking, anxious unhappy mess of a person.

It makes them feel useless, unhappy themselves and confused as to what they can do, and whether they can do anything - hopeless I guess - much like how I have felt. She understands these things, but not to the extent that she suffers from them - thank God. All she wants to see is me happy, smiling and back to being the man I actually am, and was, somewhere behind all this mess. And this is all I want also of course.

So I guess I have shared a piece about my issues, does anyone relate? And have they any advice they would like to share with me on how to manage and not consume the other person with our illness?

I begin counselling Thursday, never had it, is this a good place to mention it? Also I'm considering medication to try and alter this way of thinking whilst the counselling takes effect, which I am sure it will.

Anyway I look forward to anybody sharing anything, and I'm staying positive :yesyes:

[Thumbelina]

Dear Dpc,
It is good to share on here your worries about your relationship.
To me it feels almost like couselling.
You get to know what other people experiencing.
My husband is not the most understanding person especially in these matters. He grew up in tough enironment, and all this anxiety stuff to him is BS, saying that he is definately OCD (magnets on the fridge, tin cabinet and etc...) and has terrible mood swings, though its all fine to him.
Though i cant blame him much for not understanding how i feel when i am having panic attack. 7 years ago i was convinced that he was the main reason for my anxieties and panic and i was telling this to the doctor and later we agreed that it was a part of flight or fight response, running away...
Of course it would be easier if he would be 100% understanding - but even if he suddenly is and anx doesnt go away - who would i blame then,... Anxiety is to be resolved by us only - bearers of it - and only. We have to become comfortable with the emotions we get nomatter how horrible they are.
This time i am repeating to myself while attack or severe anxiety comes over: no matter where i am - this is the safest place i can possibly be at this moment, especially when the only thing you feel is to crawl out of your skin.
We have 2 children and and times it givs me more anx as if i cant cope and at times it pushes me forward for their sake.
This time my set back happened after many stressful months and my husb starting working away. We have not seen each other for 2months and my first attack in 1,5 years happened. I actually thought that i might need him to go away for some time so i could rest a bit with thr kids only. But as soon as he left i panicked, i felt totally alone, sad and angry at the circumstances that led to him working away. I bought a ticket and went to see him last week right after panic attack. When i came he looked very lonely and sad and drinking at the weekends heavily.
I will try to do what i can to bring him back here. Will see.

Back to your question, i always say - when we got married or committed to civil partnership we both said - for better for worse, so there is only one thing to do - to share all the joys and sorrows. I am trying not to affect people around me by moods but you cant pretend, you cant only think of how not to upset somebody by your miserable state. This makes your recovery longer. Your family are supposed to be the only ones you can be totally opened with.
You need your wife as much as she needs you and she is one of your crutches. She has enough happienness to share wih you. It is her turn to take care of you and you will take care of her when needed.
Even if she cant understand you - she just needs to be there - thats all, not to judge you not to tell you snap out of it...
This is all you need from her. And it will get better. Would she consider leavig you if you have been paralised? I dont think so.
She is just frustrtrated a bit, i am sure - but if you keep telling her how much you need her, and apprciate how much she is always there for you - she will suddenly feel so much more needed and treasured.
I hope your depression will go away soon and your fears will dissapear and you will feel as happy as your wife...

[DPC]

Thanks for this reply Thumbelina,

I guess she got the point where she felt she couldn't help me no more. But you're right, and fortunately we have had a good understanding with one another, and that's important, I think like I said it just gets to that point.
It's time to help my self rather than seek it off those who cannot fully help in this situation, which is unfair on the other person, I can only expect support and non judgement like you say. Which is what I have luckily :)
I guess for those who love you in such a situation to see us face our issues, challenge them and try to overcome them, which personally I'm 110% sure I will do, is all they want.

Once again thanks for the response and take care :)