Making comparisons to others

[Hellington Boots]

Hello all,

I was just wondering, does anyone else find that they compare themself to others? If so, any suggestions to try and get on top of this? I have been doing it for so many years it's almost become like a habit now that I am always doing without even realising.

I compare myself to other girls - looks, lives, money, home... and now I even find myself comparing my relationship to others...

I am so fed up with it, it makes me unhappy and lets face it - comparing all the time is exhausting and really batters my self esteem. I know in my rational mind that we are all individuals and it is daft to compare but i seem to do it obsessively now.

I am spending Christmas and new year with all my friends and their partners, and i am worried I will spend the whole time measuring up my relationship/looks/weight/ bank balance to theirs and it will make me very unhappy :-(

Any advice/suggestions are appreciated.

xxx

[joebloggs]

Hi. I do not know who said it but 'comparisons are odious' sums it up. Is it any wonder that some people, especially young women, tend to compare themselves with others. The airbrushed models on TV; the advert that suggest everything will be marvelous if we have a certain hair style, or eat the right food, or have the right car etc. etc. ad nauseum. You are you; you are unique. Yes you are! Just be yourself. Others may envy you! Of course it makes you unhappy and is exhausting. It takes a lot of nervous energy to be continually comparing. If you can see the folly of this in your 'rational mind', then you are halfway home. Build on that 'glimpse' you have of the truth. These days most people continually talk about their possessions and their lifestyle as if it is the only thing in the world that matters. You are very fortunate (although you may not believe it) because you are questioning this and will be able to reach conclusions about, what can only be described, as materialistic nonsense. Most people do not question and so go on leading superficial lives to the detriment of those around them. Believe it or not, you may be awakening to the realisation that there is far more to life than materialistic pursuits. Do not worry about how you feel. In my opinion you are on the right road. Best wishes. joe.

[missybct]

Hi hon.

I really empathise with you on this because I do exactly the same things. It started when I had anorexia when I was 14 and I constantly asked my Mum whether I was "bigger" or "smaller" than women walking by me - it drove her mad!

As I've got older (I'm nearly 28) I find myself doing it more and more. I guess because although I have a relationship which I'm thankful for, I feel like I've barely achieved anything. I have barely any qualifications because I was poorly throughout my GCSE's and A Levels, never went to University, don't have a job because of my anxiety and M.E. I look at Facebook and see people I went to school with; one of them is a doctor, which I'm intensely jealous of because we were going to do it "together". She also has a lovely cottage home and got married this year in a lavish but tasteful wedding. We lost touch years ago when I became sick. I seem to envy the money people have and their ability to do things I can't like go on holiday or go out for meals, because we barely have enough money to heat our tiny flat (which we don't own).

I'm also of that age where everyone I know is getting married and having children. When I was in my early twenties I could kind of say "Well, I'm only young" - I know I'm no blue rinse granny, but I feel my life is dragging on with no real direction. I don't have a mortgage, I don't have a job (at this stage in my life I was convinced at 14 that I would be a A&E doctor, go figure!) and there are no signs that me and my boyfriend will be getting married in the next few years.

What I've decided to do, due to this constant comparison, is "hide" some people who seem to trigger my feelings out of my Facebook feed. I use Facebook as a means to talk to a lot of online friends who I love dearly and who are very helpful with my medical conditions, so I would feel a bit lost without it. The people I hide have done nothing wrong, which is why I didn't want to delete or block them, and if I really need to see how they are doing, I can visit their page. It just means that I'm not confronted daily with the stream of other peoples' lives that make me miserable.

On the flipside - I know I'm very lucky in some regards. I don't have a terminal illness, I do have some control over what I think and I can find enjoyment in some tasks. We are not in streams of debt (we refuse to use credit cards) and we have a tiny bit saved up. My other half has a solid job and we have two gorgeous guinea pigs who brighten my world. I also have a very good family network who are my life. I may not have many friends but I can just about live with that.

It seems that you've got good friends who you will be around with at Christmas. Try and enjoy yourself and don't look at their lives compared to yours - you are your own person and have a right to be there as much as they do. Also, not everything in everyone's life is perfect. There are very few people lucky enough to not have to worry about things. I found out a couple who have been together for ten years with a home and a child - everything I associate with a perfect life - are up to their eyeballs in debt and are having to go bankrupt.

I hope my story/thoughts have helped you to realise you are not alone in your thought process, and I hope some of the advice has helped.

[joebloggs]

Hi. missy. I had to smile at your reference to your friends who went bankrupt. I had a similar experience when I was younger. My friends had a lovely detached home in the country; were having expensive parties and going abroad on cruises etc. How we envied them! Then, suddenly, they parted and went bankrupt. They owed around £2500, a lot in those days and it appears they lived on credit. Just goes to show. All the best. joe.

[missybct]

I remember looking at a set of photos from a friend of a friend's wedding - it looked absolutely amazing and I was ridiculously jealous that they could afford such luxury.

Six months later they had their house repossessed because they had paid for the entire thing on EIGHT credit cards and ran up a bill of 70k. We may have very little, but what we do have, I know is ours. I don't belittle people who live on credit because I have done it before and in this economic climate it is the only choice some people have, but I've always made sure what I am paying for is something I know I can pay back. As much as I want to get married, I couldn't physically cope with the thought of running up that amount of money unless it was a mortgage for a house!

[Emma86]

I do this all the time.
Whenever I go round my friends house, she has a beautiful house, I always compare what she has to what I have. I then come home and I'm disappointed with what I have. I really shouldn't, its a horrible thing to do.
I did the horrible thing when I was in a relationship was to compare ours to the one he had with his ex, the mother of his child. He did things quickly with her, had a baby, got engaged, bought a house and I always asked him whats wrong with me, why everything so quick with her etc. It wasnt good to do and it caused many arguments. I will never do such a thing again.
Things are what they are and just be happy with what you have and who you are. I think most people compare what they have to others, in a normal way! It can just get out of control and it can get you down and its not healthy.
Im trying not to do it so much now!

[missybct]

Emma - I am the same with my current partner. I constantly compare myself to her because she worked, was pretty switched on, didn't create problems (until the end, when she cheated on him) and probably most significantly to me, she was thinner and prettier than me. They were engaged and she made such a big deal out of it (she threatened to dump him unless he proposed to her, and set him a date) that as a result he no longer sees the fact I'd like to get engaged as a positive thing and only has negative connotations surrounding it.

I think a lot of my problems surrounding it is that we met very soon after she dumped him and I think when we met he kind of went on a date with me because he wanted to see if he could "forget" her. He denies is vehemently but I remember all too well when my ex boyfriend who cheated on me, dumped me - it took me ages to get over it even though I got with someone else. I'm still not entirely convinced that I'm not a rebound. He has loads of pictures of her on his computer and says he has them because they were taken when they travelled the world - another thing I cannot do. I don't want him to delete them because I think it's important to have tangible memories but it does cause me worry.

In the end I just realise they broke up for a reason. I suppose I'm at an age now where I'm not longer idealistic about relationships.

[Emma86]

Yes I completely understand how you would feel. When I first got with my partner - now ex. He had photos of him and her together, they had been broken up 3 years at that time and it upset me, he did get rid of them but it was from then on, I kept asking questions all the time about their relationship, what did it matter? He was with me now but I did think she was better than me, didnt have all the problems and issues I have. It did get me down.
You do get to the point where you realise its silly to keep comparing, was just too late for me! I'll remember it for the next time :D

[ricardo]

Hellington Boots
having read your post and various replies you don't mention if you are under any medication or not. it may or may not be relevant but many of us suffer from an inferiority complex regardless of our financial situation and that in turn can turn to being paranoid.

I lived with my late parents in rented accomodation and had a good ubringing but we just scrapped by.
I alwas wanted my own business,which I achieved and the got struck down by various forms of mental illness and adjusted my business accordingly.

I promise you even though we are what one would say "comfortable in financial terms" I would swap it all to have a normal everyday existence. I am still paranoid and don't feel I do or give enough for my family but it gives me some satisfaction that I can help them wherever possible. I want absolutely nothing for myself except to get better from my various mental issues.

[Serenitie]

Try not to compare yourself to anyone. We are all unique and have our own unique talents and qualities. Start to value, develop and celebrate yours :)

We are all on our own journey and each one of us has our own struggles. Try to focus on the positives and enjoy being you :hugs:

[Sparkle1984]

When I was a bit younger (in my early 20s) I used to compare myself to others, but I don't do it so much these days as I've come to realise there's no point. When I used to work at my previous employer's, they used to have different ranks for staff, and I sometimes used to feel inferior to the people in the rank above me.

Nowadays I believe that we all have unique skills. There are some things we are good at, and others we're not so good at. We can't all be brilliant at everything. If you feel inferior to someone, chances are there are still many things you're better at than them, and vice versa.

[Hellington Boots]

Hi guys,

Thanks for all your great advice and for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it. I am definitely going to work hard to break this thought cycle!

Thanks for everything.

xxxx